[Tyffani]

On the outside, my life seems pretty normal and things honestly couldn't be any better. I have an amazing new job, my husband got a raise at his job, my daughter is growing healthy and happy. I am working on getting more involved at my Church and I am always trying to find things to do with my family to be involved in our community and extended family. So why do I feel like all of these amazing, loving people are so far out of my reach?

I don't have trouble socializing but I feel like I am just talking on auto pilot and watching from a foot away... My husband and daughter end up suffering the most for it. I come home from work and tell myself "okay, you're gonna engage!" and I try so hard to stay upbeat and listen, but I can't focus and I find my hearing going in and out, not physically, just that I only can catch parts of what is being said and I try to fill in the blanks myself to not be rude.. but my husband notices and I know it hurts him... My daughter is only 2 but she is such a mommy's girl. I love her so much and adore when she is so excited to see me, but just like with my husband, I lose the energy almost instantly and I feel like I'm gonna suffocate if she climbs all over me again...

I don't like feeling this way... I know I love all of these people and I want to have a strong bond with everyone, like I did in the past, but I don't know what changed.. I just can't find the internal motivation to connect with these people anymore, no matter how desperate I am to.. What is wrong with me?

I don't really know how to explain it.. and it sounds so crazy to me as I reread what I am typing... but this insanity is how I feel in my head everyday.. I can't figure out what to do.. and I am scared I will permanently hurt my family if I don't fix it...

[Skeezyks]

Well... honestly I don't know the answer to this. But I'm familiar with the experience. It's something I've struggled with pretty-much all of my adult life. In my case, I've always struggled with a lot of social anxiety in particular along with more generalized anxiety & depression. And I most unwisely always managed to end up working in jobs that required a high degree of professional interaction. So I was pretty-much always stressed out to the max by the time I would get home in the evening. As a result, I was always worn out both emotionally & physically. Any kind of interaction with family members or anyone else was a struggle. I just wanted to be left alone.

Over time I think that living this way my body gradually reached a point where it no longer knew how to function any other way. So even today, now that I'm retired & mostly reclusive I still function the same way. Perhaps what you're experiencing is also a reaction to anxiety? I clearly don't know. But this is what happened with me. The other possibility, though, could I suppose be that you have something going on physiologically that is draining your energy. It might be worth getting yourself thoroughly checked out medically, perhaps including a consultation with an endocrinologist? If that doesn't produce anything substantive, then perhaps some mental health services are the other thing to consider. I wish you well...

[My Paper Heart]

I can't really comment on how to fix things but I do understand how you feel.

I put on this facade whenever I leave the house so no one knows anything is wrong. I honestly don't even think about faking it anymore, I just do it automatically. I've become so good at faking things that people don't believe me when I tell them that my life isn't as cheery as they think it is. They're so used to me being clumsy (falling and laughing at myself as I get up) that they assume whenever I say I have health issues that it's related to my clumsiness and it becomes a joke.

Completely unaware I'm doing it, I do this no matter where I'm going, even if it's just to throw out the trash. I remind myself to keep my head up and smile at people, even though I don't know why I'm doing it.

However, putting on this charade takes its toll on me. I'm so tired of this act that by the end of the day I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to be alone. I don't have the energy to deal with making dinner let alone dealing with people.


You're definitely and completely *not* crazy. In my eyes, you deserve a lot of credit for trying to fight the feeling so you can enjoy your family and so you don't hurt their feelings. I wish I was as strong as you are in that respect. And I'm convinced that if you're strong enough for that, you'll be able to hang on long enough to find a fix for this. I'm usually a pretty negative person but your desire to help yourself because it can help your family actually makes me believe you'll find a way to succeed, for them if not for you.

[Tyffani]

Originally Posted by My Paper Heart

I can't really comment on how to fix things but I do understand how you feel.

I put on this facade whenever I leave the house so no one knows anything is wrong. I honestly don't even think about faking it anymore, I just do it automatically. I've become so good at faking things that people don't believe me when I tell them that my life isn't as cheery as they think it is. They're so used to me being clumsy (falling and laughing at myself as I get up) that they assume whenever I say I have health issues that it's related to my clumsiness and it becomes a joke.

Completely unaware I'm doing it, I do this no matter where I'm going, even if it's just to throw out the trash. I remind myself to keep my head up and smile at people, even though I don't know why I'm doing it.

However, putting on this charade takes its toll on me. I'm so tired of this act that by the end of the day I don't want to be around anyone, I just want to be alone. I don't have the energy to deal with making dinner let alone dealing with people.


You're definitely and completely *not* crazy. In my eyes, you deserve a lot of credit for trying to fight the feeling so you can enjoy your family and so you don't hurt their feelings. I wish I was as strong as you are in that respect. And I'm convinced that if you're strong enough for that, you'll be able to hang on long enough to find a fix for this. I'm usually a pretty negative person but your desire to help yourself because it can help your family actually makes me believe you'll find a way to succeed, for them if not for you.

Thank you. Your response brought some tears to my eyes. I didn't think anyone else really felt this way. People say they feel lonely.. but this feels so much deeper than that, you know.. I hope you are able to regain even just a little ambition to connect again. I feel like going through this makes me just want to see everyone happy and okay.. I know it sounds silly.. but no one should feel this way alone... At least that's what I feel.

[My Paper Heart]

Originally Posted by Tyffani

Thank you. Your response brought some tears to my eyes. I didn't think anyone else really felt this way. People say they feel lonely.. but this feels so much deeper than that, you know.. I hope you are able to regain even just a little ambition to connect again. I feel like going through this makes me just want to see everyone happy and okay.. I know it sounds silly.. but no one should feel this way alone... At least that's what I feel.

You aren't alone in feeling this way. And this really does feel a lot deeper than loneliness.

It's really bad with me: Since my BPD diagnosis a year ago, I've sort of decided to accept being isolated... I've decided that the only way to save people from being emotionally hurt by me was to distance myself from others. I think this hurts so much because I feel like the only way to prevent hurting others is by hurting myself emotionally instead. (*** Everyone tells me this is a fairly common reaction to the initial diagnosis but that I'll change my mind later on. Considering I've never learned to put myself first, not unless it becomes psychosomatic and it literally endangers my life, something tells me this idea is going to be around for quite some time....)

Regardless, saying "this sucks" about the show we put on daily is a severe understatement. I always say that life shouldn't have to be this way, there must be some sort of a fix for it, so now it's just a matter of finding the fix.