[liveline1850]

Hello, thank you for reading this.

I think my girlfriend may have BPD.
Although she has been seeing a therapist for a while, I don't believe she is being truly honest about her behaviour in our relationship

We have been together for two years. Those two years have seen a lot of love but also one issue after another for her and I have realized that I am neglecting my health and own needs, to attend to hers.
I have tried implementing boundaries e.g. suggesting we go into separate rooms when we are both angry and fighting, so that we can calm down. She gets very agitated by this and will not agree, or let me leave the room (sometimes physically standing in my way) and has twice told me she is thinking of killing herself. I believe she is scared that I will abandon her as we can only get past it once I tell her...that I love her and will never leave her...which is difficult to say when you feel like you are being held hostage and that your needs are not important.

Our relationship seems very unbalanced and I am unable to lean on her for support as when I do, she seems to internalize my problems and see them as being about her. If I'm upset about something, her reaction is to get more upset about something else. If I'm upset about something in our relationship and try to open a dialogue about it, her reaction tends to be to get upset and cry about how she doesn't want to hurt me. I know she doesn't want to hurt me, but it ends up with me comforting and consoling her and my issue remains unresolved.

I do love her and want the relationship to work out. However, I am exhausted from sleepless nights filled with conversations about her and our 'issues' (she seems to want to fight rather than be apart) as well as giving her a huge amount of support, encouragement and reassurance. I'm feeling really burnt out.

I want to tell her that I think she has BPD because I think, if it was the other way around, I would like to know so that I could have a diagnosis to work from. However, I have heard that some therapists and people with BPD would rather not get the diagnosis. I am scared.

Should I tell her?

[technigal]

Originally Posted by liveline1850

Should I tell her?

No, you should not tell her. You are not a psychiatrist or a therapist who can make a diagnosis. Let her therapist deal with it and stay out of playing doctor.

I agree. Don't tell her because you don't know. You could suggest seeing a psychiatrist, but I would leave it at that.

[Nammu]

Tell her and tell her that she needs to address her stuff. Codling her is only going to prolong the agonizing you are going though. Though that said BPD people will fight tooth and nail against real help and create drama so be ready for her big blow up.

[Confusedxx]

Telling her isn't going to work. My partner has some sort of personality disorder, and any time I have tried to mention to him he needs help it is met with a rage episode. You can mention to her that seeing a psychologist would help her feel better if she is stressed out and having a hard time. Telling her she has a BPD is a bad idea.

You can also tell her there are some issues in the relationship that you are having a hard time with. You don't feel like you are being heard and there is a lack of communication and think you both should go to a therapist together to work on this. Don't just say "you have a BPD, get help plz."

I believe my partner shows schizophrenic and narcissistic tendencies. Telling someone like that they have an issue is like walking up to someone with a loaded gun and saying, "I think you should shoot me". It can and will be looked at as a personal attack.

I have attachment issues, anger issues, depression, etc. I only came to terms with it after some of my relationships ended all in the same pattern because of it. She has to learn by herself or with the aide of a therapist. Her behavior actually sounds quite similar to the way I behaved in my prior relationships. I was afraid of being abandoned, thought every issue was a HUGE issue and couldn't handle little criticisms. I was basically a raging B*ch to my prior partners. At the time I didn't think so, but over time I noticed patterns in my relationships. I wish I could turn back time and do things over, and actually talked to my partners and been an equal and supportive person...but I can't. She is lucky she has you who is willing to stick by her and be supportive, but she may need to just learn on her own. If any of my partners told me I had a problem I would have scoffed at it and gotten angry. Now, I finally admit that I do and I work towards changing these behaviors.

[PsychoPhil]

I agree with others bluntly telling her she may have BPD won't help. I'd rather stick to the advice given in books like "I hate you - don't leave me!" on how to best handle temper tantrums and other issues you list.

You could suggest filling online screening tests as a more diplomatic way of telling her she might have a PD, not specifically BPD.

[Unrigged64072835]

I wouldn't tell her. I would tell her how her behavior is affecting you and you need to take care of yourself if you still want a relationship with her. She may or may not go ballistic, but you shouldn't have to "work" a relationship to the point of neglecting your own needs.

[liveline1850]

Thank you for all your advice.
I felt really scared to post anything, as I am sensitive to people feeling hurt by my words or actions. However I just feel so helpless in this situation...so I took the risk and have kept reminding myself that I am not a bad person, I'm just seeking help.

I really appreciate you hearing what I had to say and taking the time to reply. Feeling heard is a need that I don't get met in my relationship and I understand that it is because I am with someone who has many challenges of her own to juggle, right now. It's definitely been a lonely road to walk as many of my friends are starting to distance themselves from us (which I also understand), so I really do appreciate it.

My girlfriend and I talk a lot about emotions and mental health, so it feels like I'm not being honest with her if I don't share my thoughts and feelings, especially as she says she wants me to do. It feels disrespectful not to be open with her..
Luckily she is agreeing to see a couples therapist with me.

We tried couples therapy before, and it was extremely frustrating as she refused to genuinely participate. The good thing that came from that was her willingness to see her own therapist, which she has been doing for almost a year. She still needs a lot of encouragement to continue to tackle some of her trauma but I think we are on a good track.

Thanks again for listening, best of luck to you all on your own journeys.

[liveline1850]

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences in relationships, especially around your abandonment issues. That's very helpful. Thanks also for your kind words of encouragement.
I really hope things improve with your partner.

[REDONE8]

Originally Posted by liveline1850

Thank you for all your advice.
I felt really scared to post anything, as I am sensitive to people feeling hurt by my words or actions. However I just feel so helpless in this situation...so I took the risk and have kept reminding myself that I am not a bad person, I'm just seeking help.

I really appreciate you hearing what I had to say and taking the time to reply. Feeling heard is a need that I don't get met in my relationship and I understand that it is because I am with someone who has many challenges of her own to juggle, right now. It's definitely been a lonely road to walk as many of my friends are starting to distance themselves from us (which I also understand), so I really do appreciate it.

My girlfriend and I talk a lot about emotions and mental health, so it feels like I'm not being honest with her if I don't share my thoughts and feelings, especially as she says she wants me to do. It feels disrespectful not to be open with her..
Luckily she is agreeing to see a couples therapist with me.

We tried couples therapy before, and it was extremely frustrating as she refused to genuinely participate. The good thing that came from that was her willingness to see her own therapist, which she has been doing for almost a year. She still needs a lot of encouragement to continue to tackle some of her trauma but I think we are on a good track.

Thanks again for listening, best of luck to you all on your own journeys.

I have a similar story as this. 3 cycles of push / pull and did some counseling which wasn't productive because she put all the blame on my communication, etc. After a 5 month no contact I started getting a lot of texts that if we met -- would start round 4.... Love her but I need her to take ownership somewhere. If you do tell her, let us know how it goes.