[paynful]

Years ago, I had a “troubling time” in my life. I consider it a breaking point. It was painful. It was scary. It was necessary, and although I couldn’t see it at the time, it was one of the better things that happened to me. I was able to break out of my downward spiral.

Long story short, I was on the WRONG medication for almost 8 years. Back then, there weren’t commercials warning that medication could make you worse. Depression turns into suicidal tendencies. I thought it was all me. Just me. Just MY crazy. I was on the highest dose of Welburtrin XL. I was, also, on several other medications due to the side effects of it all (migraines 5-6 days of the week, nauseous or vomiting every day, heightened anxiety, insomnia, etc.) And then, I had a major surgery. My normal every day medication was topped off with the pain killers. I ended up having a total mental break on day 8 after my surgery. So with over 200 stitches in my chest, my family ended up calling the authorities on me. I was made to be an inpatient for a required 10 days (they let me go on day 7 though).

It took almost 2 years to wean me off all my medications. During that process (specifically the exit exam after leaving the hospital), a Psychiatrist gave me a new “label.” I did not for a second believe him. I thought he was making a split second diagnosis (and at the time that movie “Girl Interrupted” was very popular) since he had never seen me before or since. 10 years later, I think he might have been right. But I have NO IDEA what to do with it now.

Since, I am no longer on medication, almost HALF of the symptoms are nonexistent. However, the ones that remain are… undeniable. I still have depression, SAD, social anxiety disorder, insomnia, and now… borderline personality disorder.
I don’t self harm, make impulsive decisions, sleep around, etc., but I can NOT make lasting connections with others. Not family, not even with pets. I just thought I was a hopeless introvert. And maybe that is true, but I’m worried it’s so much more than that. My attachment/detachment/abandonment issues… I don’t know how to fix myself… connect to people without the inevitable feelings of betrayal or abandonment occurring. Not even an inkling. I don’t want to be forcing myself into isolation FOREVER. I want to at least be able to connect with my family. I don’t know where to begin. Therapy isn’t possible at the moment.

How can I “read up” on borderline personality disorder if half of the symptoms don’t fit me? And only fit me when I was on the wrong medication? Does it still apply? Can the parts about interaction with others still apply to me? I’m just accepting this, and don’t know where to go from here, but I’m starting to feel desperate. I don’t want to lose/push the few people I have in my life away.

Does any one have experience with this or have any suggestions?

[MobiusPsyche]

I saw your post on the other thread so I thought I'd respond. I'm sorry you're in so much pain and I'm sorry that therapy isn't an option for you. Really, long term therapy is the only thing that's been shown to be effective for attachment type issues.

There are DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy) workbooks out there for people with BPD but honestly that helps more with the impulsive behaviors which you say aren't a problem for you. I don't know if any good books or resources on attachment type issues.

It sounds like the persistent feeling of emptiness is bothering you right now and that is tied in with depression. Are you in antidepressants and if so do they help any?

It's possible to have BPD traits without meeting criteria for the full disorder. Perhaps that's where you're at?

Usually people with BPD are too quick to form attachments, very intense attachments, and that leads to lots of disruption and drama in their lives. Was that maybe the case in the past and now you're mourning not having any long lasting attachments? Just trying to understand your situation better.

I can understand your confusion. Maybe more reading and possibly some journaling? This is what helps me clarify things. Maybe it doesn’t matter whether we fit into a perfect box.

[AzulOscuro]

Since therapy is not available at this moment for you, I would forget about the DSM critaria and I would do some research about the disorder itself. Focussing specially on your own flaws, that is, which causes intervine while you are interacting with your loved people. How do you read the situations, how you react...in which way your own self-perception interferes in the way your read others.

I know it’s not gonna be very helpful when overcoming fear of abandonment regards but it can help you to know yourself better.
One main problems why relations with others fail is bc of the way we interpret what happens around us. Cognitive distortions.

You may find interesting this link

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2816926/

I found this article more clarifying than the previous one.
I’m also learning, as you. :-)

https://www.menningerclinic.com/clin...es/mentalizing

Like you, I don’t see that I fit strongly with the critaria for the diagnosis but each person display the disorder in a different level. But, as long as you can learn and work on your own traits, the better.
I don’t cut myself either or seek suicide, or feel a strong emptiness...however I display other symptoms.
From what I read, borderline personality disorder can display a great amount of different symptoms so much that doctors sometimes find difficult to diagnose.

[Fuzzybear]

I would question this...

Whose “reality”??

[AzulOscuro]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I would question this...

Whose “reality”??

I guess your question is addressed to my post. I’m not sure. Am I right?

[Unrigged64072835]

You can have borderline traits and not qualify for the full disorder.

It would be better to look up the specific problems you are having and determine what you can do for that. My old pdoc would say to not worry about the labels and rather find relief for the symptoms.

[MobiusPsyche]

I was first diagnosed with BPD by a psychiatrist at a state hospital who interviewed me for fifteen minutes while reading my chart at the same time. I didn't believe him because what the hell does he know?

I spent years struggling to prove (to myself? To him? To the world?) that I didn't have BPD. For instance, I eschewed all romantic relationships because I didn't want to have BPD and if I never got involved with anyone then I couldn't possibly have a history of tumultuous relationships.

Then twenty years later I saw my current therapist. Took me six months to really open up to her but at that point she diagnosed me with BPD. This time I believe I have it (and had it all along).

Sometimes a$$hole pdocs who only see us for a short time period are right. Not saying it's true in your case, but it was in mine.