[Fuzzybear]

Do you push people away without meaning to?
How does this work?
Where does it originate from?
How do you break the pattern?

[3velniai]

Oh yes, I do. For me it's all about saying things first and thinking about the issue later. Or not saying things when I'm expected to say something.
I wish I knew how to stop it, tell me if you find out, ok? (((fuzzy)))

[Mouse_]

Before we can make use of someone, we first have to had "destroy" them in fantasy, and if this was met with fear because our first primary care giver was unable to tolerate our "anger" then we will continue to attempt to satisfy this need. If we keep someone at arms lenght we think will have saved them from what we feel is dangerous emotions within us. To love we have to hate also.

[ECHOES]

Notice when it happens. What is going on at that time? What fear(s) drive(s) the pushing away?

I think it originates in our original attachments. I am reading a book that says that certain attachments/interractions with the primary caregiver are seen in a great majority of those who go on to become borderline. "Attachment in Psychotherapy" by David J Wallin.
My T talks about attachment, refering to Anxious Attachment often.
How we develop affects who we become.

[Puffyprue]

yes i do but dont know how to break the pattern,,,its just hard fuzzy
(((((((((((((((((((fuzzy)))))))))))))))

[Michah]

Ah fuzzybear, the age old question......I been thinking about this one all my life.....I just tell people to go away.......that I still love them dearly but i can't handle them, or anyone.

I am anti-social anyway so I don't struggle with it much.......I find the people who are comfortable within themselves take my "hostility" very well. They know how I really feel when I'm not angry, paranoid or just plain hating. My partner is really good about it, my parents, mainly my mother who abused me, not so good. Takes two to tango hey! I have forgiven my mum but she spins me out sometimes and i just automatically withdraw. Fear of abandonment i'd say.

I guess I don't really analyse it much anymore.......I am how I am.......and as I am sure babe, you have great qualities, thats the ones worth loving......

Hope i have helped

[Elysium]

FuzzyBear...

I do push people away...unfortunately! The really strange thing is that I long to have people close to me. I wish so hard for someone who would just be willing to put there arms around me and hold me in a safe way, or who would just touch my face gently..! At the same time, I pull away when anyone gets close, or I sabotage the situation so it falls apart.

Why? Internally...I don't know. I "know" that it has to do with my severe fear of abandonment and my severe lack of trust. You know...the the "go away...no wait, come back" thing.

How to fix it? "Reach out...learn to trust", they say. "How?", I respond....(blink, blink, blink.....blank stare) THE END

Keep on keepin on my friend!!

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Do you push people away without meaning to?
How does this work?
Where does it originate from?
How do you break the pattern?

Hi Fuzzey , don't think Ive ever seen you post.

can't give you enough hugs to replace all you have given,

The push can play out in varying ways, It can be just droping a relationship, and that can be for self preservation , fancey wording for fear. / getting hurt and or rejected again.

Its about boundries .

where did it originate . well for me I remember clearly an incident when I was 4 . I was with my mother outside and I was hugging kissing her and feeling this very warm attachment love and lots of it . she coldly abruptly pushed me away angrily and made me feel bad for wanting to hug and kiss.

Boy did that hurt.

She basically taught the art of push and push and push . through anger and harshness physical injury . but there had to be a connection right?

so there was a " have to be pull" just by the nature of needing to feed and take to school skinds of things or maybe some regret from the pushing away . There was never a pull of affection from my mother she had no affection for me lets say 15% I'm being generous here.

with my Father it was extreeme. He was a hard hitter and sexual violator but he was also very warm and fuzzey huggy touchy.

" LOL" Fuzzy ..... also ,funny ,sarcastic man with moments of real contimplation.

This set up in me a pattern to be drawn to and stay with abusers. Even though they hurt me deeply I still go after them . its harmful and it keeps the pattern going. I pull so they will "treat me better ". I need for them to treat me better in order to repair what they did. But abusers never do. I keep hoping.

I believ there is some whisful and magical thinking that happens in order to avoid the reality that they do not like you ?love you.

so how do you breack the pattern

Become very wise . Know when your filling in the blanks inorder to feel better ,

three strikes and your out . or for me It has to be two . From there I set a boundrie of they can no longer enter my life but I love them from a distance .
try to learn to accept the negative in someone to a degree.

not push back when others are pushing away.

Theres more to it than this . but this is all for now.

Ill sneek a hug in here for your unbrella post Fuzzey ,

its raining here right now . for real . not as in tears.

Patricia

[ciefish]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Do you push people away without meaning to?
How does this work?
Where does it originate from?
How do you break the pattern?

hi fuzzy, for me how it works is I push friends and family away because I feel disrespected or I feel like a boundary I've set has been crossed. I'm struggling with this right now in my relationship. I've counted several times saying simply "no" to my sig other and she continues to push on me. I push back, after thousands of dollars (tens of thousands ??? lol) of therapy I've been told to say "no" and then supply a time for when I'm available. I feel pushed to communicate, when my mind is locked up emotionally. Often I really fear interpersonal issues like this. I've lost friends or had friends I make up with and break up with, falling into an imho unhealthy cycle. The origination is like this for me: I always felt my Mom had emotionally abdandoned me at an early age. One of my earliest memories when I was four was my Mom saying she couldn't play with me anymore. I remember watching massive amounts of TV, I still do actually. My Dad was so jealous and my Mom feared his jealousy and his addiction, his anger. Sometimes nothing but unhinged, blind rage from the old man. It was like he became the anger, was lost in it. I learned to disappear then, be invisable, the adults were talking and I didn't want to be in the way. Kids were "seen and not heard" and kids "needed to be trained". But then I learned later in family group, my Mom had dragged me into her arguements with my Dad? Never understood this one. Sister was born and then I was told by Mom to "work out differences with her" when we were both children? Wierd too because I always felt Mom sided with sis. How to break the patterns??: I'm working on this one and I see a long road ahead for me... I've really been challenging old friendships. Often people I've made friends with from my "using days" I find to be agressive and selfish in the relationship. They don't respect what I see as reasonable boundries. Trying to be friends again is awkward because a relationship I saw as a bit one sided is even more so. I doubt myself as to why I ever hung out with this person. But then I see and remember how emotionally I bonded with them at any cost because I was just afraid to be me. So the pull is to have someone as an emotional surrogate to hide behind. The push is when I have a moment of clarity and I get offended or uncomfortable in the relationship. Great question fuzzy, hope my thoughts were clear and I didn't ramble too much, just sharing from the heart honestly...

[sweetpea_tx]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Do you push people away without meaning to?
How does this work?
Where does it originate from?
How do you break the pattern?

Yes, I'm not sure, No idea, Still clueless... sadly, if I knew, I'd probably be somewhere other than where I am right now, feeling better and not so isolated. I'm new here, and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by sweetpea_tx

Yes, I'm not sure, No idea, Still clueless... sadly, if I knew, I'd probably be somewhere other than where I am right now, feeling better and not so isolated. I'm new here, and I still don't feel like I fit in anywhere.