[nicole84]

I can't win this battle. At least not by myself. I thought I could. I've generally been 'in control' to the point of being able to function at least and hide it. Now I just can't stop the b/p. I've gone between mass restrictive times but the past month it's just b/p rinse repeat. I tell myself I'll have a day off and eat healthy foods where I won't be tempted, but nope.. Somehow it happens. Again.

I tried so hard today. I'm almost in tears writing this but I'm also numb from my depression that I can't really cry lately. The only brief happiness I get is after the 'p' And then I feel horrible and tired. My eyes are black and puffy. My face and skin looks terrible.

Whoever says that having an ED is glamourous and makes you skinny needs to get a reality check. I don't mean to be horrible in saying this but to anyone that reads these in a hope of 'getting an ED' should run the heck away NOW. Yeah you might lose weight, and all your energy, ruin your entire body, look sick and disgusting all the time.

I hope tomorrow can be a b/p free day. I've actually lost count of the days 2 weeks probably. My stomach hurts so bad. Chest. Everything. Then I think that I'M the one doing this to myself. ***** this cycle.

Sorry for the vent. My first thread in here and I'm just a mess.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, it is not a pleasant problem to have. I assume you are seeing a counselor for help. As you say, it's not something that's likely able to be cured by yourself.

[nicole84]

Originally Posted by PAYNE1

Yes, it is not a pleasant problem to have. I assume you are seeing a counselor for help. As you say, it's not something that's likely able to be cured by yourself.

I'm not as yet, but I'm going to be. I can't see a way of stopping this myself at all.

[rsqer0517]

I understand. Sometimes I think I don't want to get better. I can't tell myself no. I trust that will change so I will live. ED is life but not living

[spondiferous]

nicole: I agree with what you said about wanting people to understand the reality behind EDs. I know that for me, what got me started with bulimia was when I was 15, and I read an article in a teen magazine about a girl who had recovered from bulimia but whose friend had died as a result of the disease - died, at the age of 15 - and all I could think was, 'Oh hey, cool, a way to eat all I want and stop gaining all the weight'. Because for me, I'm one of those bulimics who's still been obese all my life, so people look at me and assume that my only problem is a lack of willingness. At my worst I lost over a hundred pounds but my hair was falling out in clumps, I looked like a skeleton with sunken eyes (even though I was still a size 13, my bones were sticking out), and I was cold all the time and had no energy. I commend your courage in reaching out, to us, and in seeking help with your disorder. It's a hell of a thing to live with. For me it's been over 20 years of disordered eating. I'm in recovery now but it seems like I've got miles to go before it'll actually be arrested and I'll have any peace of mind. I hope that you find the support you need and that you find wellness. In the meantime I hope to see you around the forums more, and you're welcome to PM me if you need someone to vent to, whenever you like.