[scaredgirl_19]

so I feel like I don't really belong in this forum, but I want to.
I mean, I'm not sure if I'm actually bulimic or not. I've always had moments where I'd eat way too much, like having a box of chocolate or chips or whatever and not being able to stop until the box is empty / until there's nothing left.
I also have a big problem leaving food on a plate, even if I feel uncomfortably full I can't stop.

I've been hating myself for eating too much all this time, and have tried to make myself throw up several times, but it just doesn't work. I'm also no good at exercising, I just can't make myself. So usually after eating too much I just feel horrible, get depressed and frustrated, and don't want to ever eat again. Sadly (or maybe not sadly, as of course that's not exactly healthy) I can't ever go through with it for long. Sometimes it's only a few hours till I can't take the feeling anymore and have to eat again. Currently it's about 24 hours since I last ate something. That's how long it usually takes until I have to eat again.

I really don't know whether that makes me bulimic. I don't want to think I'm just an overeater or binge eater. Looking at my BMI, I go from high normal weight to low overweight and back every once in a while. I just want to be skinny, but I can't ever get there. Most of the time, I'm disgusted by how I look. Food definitely rules my life, I'm either eating way too much or trying not to eat at all. I can never just enjoy a little snack because I'll always feel guilty about eating.

[SkinnySoul]

Hi and welcome!

To me it sounds like an eating disorder, probably bulimia non-purging type. However, I have to stress the fact that I am NOT a mental health professional and this is not a diagnosis - just an opinion as an outsider.
I suggest you contact a psychologist, he will provide an accurate diagnosis for you and help you deal with your problems.
Don't be scared, girl. This is a safe place with many many warm people to talk to.
I hope you stay with as and work for a healthy relationship with food.

Take care... xxx

[scaredgirl_19]

Thanks SkinnySoul,
I'm trying to find a therapist, but that's still gonna take probably a few months, sadly.
I've seen therapists before (never for more than 2 weeks though) but never told them about my eating problems. But they seemed to only want to concentrate with the issue I first told them about anyways, and didn't even seem to think anything else was going on with me (I was inpatient, and they only wanted to diagnose me with BPD, even though I was barely eating. They just didn't notice, and somehow I didn't think to mention it back then).
But then again, I'm a little scared of anybody finding out about it, because they'd want me to stop and then I'd never get to the weight I am comfortable with I know they're supposed to show you how to eat healthy, but I'm not sure that would work for me, and everyone (family) would just tell me to eat more, even if I don't want to.

I know this is a site pretty much for those who are bulimic and don't want to be, so I guess nobody here will be able to relate to what I'm saying, but I don't want to stop this. If there was a way that I could stop eating altogether and become anorexic, I'd love to do that. Then once it gets too bad I'd get help for it. I just want to be thin, and I don't see a healthy way to get there. I always had skinny friends, and just wanted to be like them. I got bullied in school and my mother told me I should lose weight, too, but it's just not going to happen. I'm just unhappy with how I look, and I'm not really ready to start learning how to eat healthy. I'm just sick of those normal diets. They never work and definitely not as fast as I'd want them to.

(Sorry if I'm offending anyone or something I just wanted to talk to someone about stuff that's going on in my mind and how I really feel without risking them telling me it's wrong and trying to control me so I stay fat )

[SkinnySoul]

Months? Why will it take months? It's a health issue, it's important. If you can't afford a therapist, or don't want your parents to find out, there are plenty therapists online you can talk to.

Nobody will force you to do anything, they will just offer help and if you're not ready you can deny it.
There is no force-feeding in ed treatment, except in severe anorexia cases where the patient's life is at immediate risk.
Typically in bulimia, a nutritionist offers a diet plan to lose excess fat caused by binges and the therapist helps you figure out why this disorder presented itself so that you can sort things out.

And believe me, you wouldn't love to be anorexic. I've been there; it is worse than one can possibly imagine. Anorexia is not about looking skinny. It's not about the skinny topmodels you see on Fashion TV and magazines.

It's about being terrified of food, losing your hair, having a BMI of 14 and thinking you're way too fat and crying yourself to sleep because a desperate friend forced you to eat ONE cookie. Constantly being haunted by calories, fat, carb grams, you're never restricting enough, you're never thin enough, you're never pretty enough, you're never good enough. You are just worthless in your eyes. It's non-stop agony.

I understand your desire to be skinny, but sadly there are no magic tricks to that. You can be skinny the healthy way, with the right diet and exercise; and you CAN do it, you are just scared to give it time. I understand, I really do. Have you actually tried one of those 'normal diets' for more than a week? If you don't stick with it you won't see results. You say you want to lose the weight faster? Have you seen faster results with binging and restricting?

I'm sorry I'm harsh to you, I'm only doing it for you to see that this is important; it's about your mental health. Seeing a therapist is the best you can do.

I wish you all the best, keep us posted. xxx

[scaredgirl_19]

Thanks for caring, I know you mean well

the problem with therapy is not that I'm afraid of it, there are more pressing issues than my eating habits that I have to adress in therapy.
the problem is that I recently moved to the states and I still have to go through immigration and that can take some time. I can't get therapy here without being an American citizen. So that's why I have to wait.

I know anorexia is not a nice thing, I apologize for saying I wanted to have it, I hope I didn't offend anyone. You're right, I don't want to be anorexic, I just want to be thin and happy with the way I look. If I was anorexic that would never happen, so I should be glad not to suffer from it.

Since I wrote this post, I've made some drastic food-changes (trying not to binge, cutting out sweets, junkfood, etc.) I'm trying to stay low-calorie and I exercise about 6 times a week for about an hour.

I still want to get thin, and get there fast. I can't stand my weight. I can't stand how I look. I can't stand my BMI telling me that I'm overweight. I wish I would have stopped binging much earlier, so it would have been easier. But I'm very determined now. I'm holding up pretty good, and I think I'll see nice results in a few months.

You asked whether I had ever stuck to a diet for a longer time, and I guess I have. It wasn't an official diet, but I cut soda and snacks (apart from fruits/verggies) out of my diet for a year and lost 6 kg (about 13 pounds).

The problem is that I gained it right back afterwards because I just started eating lots again.

so what I really needed was a life-time change in my diet. This means I will diet until I reach a weight that I'm comfortable with, and then I'll spend my energy on trying to maintain that weight. This means I will always be counting calories, always be thinking twice before eating something and always feeling guilty after I ate more than I wanted to. But I guess that's the only way.

A little question:
I don't know exactly how bulimia is treated, but is there some cure for the cravings, the losing control of how much you eat? Or is it all about learning self-control?

Anyways, thanks for the kind words, I'm definitely aiming to be healthy. thank you for helping me realize that that is the right way