[Yoshi]

I just want to ask god, what have I done to deserve this.

I've been having serious medical problems since I was 10, its giving me so much stress.

I feel like i'm hurting everyone around me because i'm not we'll, all because i've been born into the world with these ****ed up problems.
All my friends are so scared for me, and it makes me cry so much, I just feel like **** because of my medical issues.

I feel like that I will never be able to have a family, a husband, nothing.

I feel so lonely, and loved at the same time, if that even makes sence.
I do not want to end up hurting everyone, I dont know why I get close to people or even have friends.
Why do I deserve to be torchured?!

I seriouslly just want to end my life, to stop my pain, and everyone elses pain so hopefully they can get over me sooner. Though I'm not going to end my life, but I sure want to.

Idk what to do with myself anymore, I feel like I need to avoid everyone, but theres always those few people that you could never avoid

[(JD)]

"Deserving" has nothing to do with it, you don't deserve it, but that isn't the issue.

God is not torturing you, you're blaming the wrong entity. God only wants to love you and comfort you: rest you under his "wings."

I'm sorry you feel such anger. It's often part of depression and chronic pain. It only hurts the sufferer more though. I learned that personally (even though I learned it in college.)

Time to pick your battles. Quit fighting the ones you can't win or change. Review your life and change what you can ... or even eliminate things you can't decide about right now, whether they are helping or hindering. Begin with a clean slate.

You can escape from those in your life, demand time alone. But don't wallow in depression during that alone time, use it to enjoy something and build yourself up.

I was ill at age 3. I did well coping ... then was permanently disabled at 34.... it is my draw in life. Yes, there are still days I would rather choose to be with God than here suffering ... but I'm still here.

Perhaps you are trying to live a normal life. Maybe those around you are expecting you to do that. It may not be possible. What's normal for you is probably not other's normal. Who has normal?

[Yoshi]

Thanks so much JD
This is very helpful

[sunsetsunrise]

hi Rainboz I can so understand some of what you are saying. I too have been ill since an early age. I too feel like I am a drain on people and relatives. And I too pray to be taken. The thing is, and I believe this with all my heart (although others believe different and whose to say someone else is wrong) I believe God is love. God is only love. No one does anything to deserve suffering. God doesnt condemn anyone to a life of pain. But I surely do believe people condemn themselves. I know I do. This Perhaps God can heal if someone has enough faith and opens the door to let the light in. I do not know. I do know that prolonged pain combined with depression and dispair can cause just the feelings you are having. and that I have. I do not have a religion by the way. so this is not religious dogma. I want to say that I am sorry for your pain. living life in pain is not easy. It takes strength to do it. Even when we dont see that. I hope something that I have said can help a bit. Sending lite to you Rainbowz

[Yoshi]

SunsetSunrise, that was very helpful.
Like, I know god is all about love and care, its just I feel like I did something to deserve this, idk why.

[(JD)]

Well it surely would be easier to deal with (we think) if we can find a reason for something to happen to us. Just like those who are abused feel that if they can take responsibility, then they have a reason they can understand (I should have...I shouldn't have) yet it isn't true. No one "deserves" to be hurt or in pain.

You've heard the phrase "s***t happens" and that applies to this exactly. It means that, without blame, without cause, without reason ... bad things do just happen. It's like accidents...they're called accidents for a reason.

Are there mitigating circumstances we can look at and say, if only? Sure, but just by living we subject ourselves to things just "happening." That's the root of the word: happenstance.

But I also look at the good energy available to us, which counters the negative bad stuff that happens. Draw on that good energy, and find some relief.