It's been awhile ...

Here's a note I just wrote to a Thread Buddy who visits this forum.
After I wrote the note I decided to post it here and see whether others
have similar feelings to those you'll read about below.

****

wow .. you're brave to connect with that shrink. I pray that you can build on that and come out with what you want.

A few months ago I applied to VA for revaluation of my % of disability, writing them a narrative about my PTSD symptoms.

Now they've scheduled me an appointment with a shrink for evaluation. I called and cancelled because of the location ... well, that was a good excuse. However, I asked them to sched it at a VA hospital that has my records and is closer, etc.

I did mention it to my wife about the sched, and cancel, etc. This is the first time in my life I've worked up the courage to tell her that I might bet this kind of evaluation.

i really don't think I can face the shrink if the appointment does get made. I don't trust them (for reasons from the past) and I don't think I can admit the failure that comes with the diagnosis.

One of my symptoms seems to be to avoid being labled a failure. [I know that the system and people around me wouldn't think i was a failure because of this, but to me it seems like a HUGE failure ... I'm built tough and the system made me tougher ... and ptsd wasn't part of the trainnig] Another symptom is almost a nervous breakdown to recall the experiences.

i'm almost going to cry just telling you those words.

IRL I've learned to change the subject, put things neatly in little mental boxes, avoid the thoughts which only come out in dreams... which I've also learned to control by awakening and changing channels.

Anyway ... I admire your courage and voluntary approach. i hope it is ok to ask you about it because it's possibly in my future. Ugh ... I'm almost ready to do something drastic to avoid confrontation of these terrors. (almost tears again - hyperventilating)

OK, I'm changing subjects ... whew!

Troy hon having ptsd from combat or anything other trauma is not a failure! please don't think that way. I know the military trains people to be tough but heck I know enough about combat to know how hard it is to watch people die. You are still tough! please keep your appt wherever it may be. You don't have to talk about it all at one time either. let as much as you can out and save some for another time. Seriously I have seen many vets be helped with therapy. Some VA clinics even have couples therapy to help the spouses understand. if you would like I can send you my number and talk to your wife. I have done alot of that myself.

Thanks BeBop ... appointment is next week ... still going back and forth about whether to keep the appointment.

it might help to remember that PTSD is the brain's way of trying to make sense of it all, which of course, it can't do. so finding a way to accept what happened, and look at it for what it was, Chaos, Pain and Suffering, helps the mind to let it go.... for some of us at least, with lots of practice,, best wishes for you and your friend, Troy ~! Gus

I'd say, keep the appointment. You can always change your mind or make other decisions afterwards.

Thanks for the encouragement. The appointment was scheduled for tomorrow, and even though I am very fearful of attending, I'd worked up the courage to go. Then a snow storm rolled in and it prevents our leaving the mountain, so I had to call and ask to have it rescheduled. I plan to go. I plan to go. I plan to go. I plan to go when it is resked.

What kind of questions will I be asked? Any ideas? I'm really worried about opening the little boxes containing all those memories.

troy hon they will probably ask your incountry service dates then start asking about your symptoms. I am here for you hon! I know how it can make you feel to start opening up but trust me it does help in the long run.

Now that I missed the appointment, I'm kinda disappointed. LOL ... howz that work, a combination between fear and disappointment. Maybe like combat when you're psyched up to go on patrol to find the enemy and then your mission is changed ... fear and disappointment.

is it rescheduled yet troy?

Troy, from what I have been reading so far, it sounds like you have an amazing story to tell, and very personal. I encourage you to keep your upcoming appointment.

As far as feeling like a failure for your diagnosis, believe it or not this a very easy way of thinking to come by when it comes to Veterans (I'm a Vet myself). In the military we put this guise over ourselves, it is a certain appearance of toughness, nonetheless, it equates to success in the military.

There is an interesting video called Tough Guise that touches on some of this.

I completely understand where you are coming from about not trusting a "shrink". Believe it or not, this can be a subject to talk about with your therapist/shrink. Ultimately, it can bring up discussion of boundaries and trust.

I wish you the best.

Still not scheduled ... and thanks slinger, jd, and bebop for your remarks. Made me smile when you said you say it sounds like I have an amazing story to tell...a quick search for my posts will show that I have a rambling, self-centered story, one that is hidden from all of those around me, one that keeps H and I patrols across the back of my mind.

The new appointment isn't scheduled yet, and while I'd been both fearful and anticipating the appointment, I was going to go to the appointment and see what takes place. Now that it has been interrupted by the blizzard, I'm moving toward avoiding the appointment.

As a matter of fact, my squirrel-y brain is telling me to skip the appointment and avoid all future discussion of the issues. The thought crosses my mind that my continuing decline for the past couple years has come from these PC posts and chats. Wherever and whenever I reveal anything about my hidden self, I find that the friendships (or even acquaintances) are way too close for comfort - so I break the relationships and move on. Maybe it is exactly that "symptom" that causes me to think negatively about PC and all of the people who encourage me.

When I came to PC I resisted posting. I got too involved in reading about all kinds of other problems, and quickly spiraled down because it is in my nature to help other people, to solve problems, and it was evident that neither thing was happening. I was just absorbing the various problems. I took a break for several months. The only reason I'm back now is that I wanted to let a couple people know that I'd finally made those therapy appointments and was looking for support in keeping them.

And you can see -- I've gotten caught up in telling more about myself, again.

You vets know that we're built to "suck it up" and hide our emotions - all emotions. Just do the job. An no matter how hard it is or how long it takes, no matter what the consequences to ourselves, the mission comes first - just do it. And there's nothing in the training about how to survive after the mission is completed.

Sorry for the rambling post.

Nothing rambling about your post. It's thoughts, very insightful thoughts I might add. Our body has an interesting way of protecting itself. The painful things that you have went through, every ounce of your being is telling you not to go to that appointment, it may even feel like a small relief when a blizzard comes.

Look at Psychcentral as a test, you are putting yourself out there, now vulnerable. You are getting multiple feedback and ideas. If criticisms are hard to deal with from other peers, and the idea of opening yourself up to strangers, maybe group therapy will not be a good thing for you. It may be that individual therapy is more ideal. Just an idea.

Ultimately, even if individual therapy would be more ideal, you would want to engage in groups in the future to re-build some of those trust issues that you speak of. Best of luck.