[Troy]

Ya know how some people always want to play the introducing game. Like, they meet someone from another country and they are all excited to introduce this new person to a friend of their's from the same country.

Or they find out someone is from NYC and they just can't wait to introduce them to someone they know moved from NYC 15 years ago.

When these introducers find that I'm a wounded combat vet, they go all out to tell me about their other friends who are vets (and often tell me the second hand stories they've remembered), and if I'm not careful, they want to introduce m to that other vet.

It happened again last night, and I just wanted to say all kinds of rude things, not to the vet but to the introducer. It's just kinda stupid if you ask me. What makes them think I want to meet another vet and have all my triggers pulled. They just don't understand what it's like being in my skin.

I didn't reveal my feelings, but the other vet probably wondered why I was kind of stand offish. Or maybe he was stand offish too. We didn't chat much.

After he left the little gathering, the introducer told me that this other guy had been way over the edge after Nam, creating havoc with his family and self medicating way too much. He is beyond all of that now and the introducer was telling how he'd turned his life around. The introducer was glad "he could meet me" ... like they think i've got it all together.

Truth is, that other guy is probably far better put together than I am because I'm spiraling down. Sure, I've made the appointments with the T. but I didn't get there yet, and the anxiety is growing and growing. My symptoms seem to be magnified since that initial intake meeting.

And now ... VA has set up appointments to reevaluate my disability based on ptsd. i told them I'd already been to the intake doc and that I have appointments scheduled, and they said I must come to this other city and go through this examination. I've resisted this same caller before and i would like to get something for this anxiety since it's going to be another couple months before I get my initial T appointments.

I've swallowed my panic and practiced stuffing everything back in the boxes. i'll go see them and find out if they ask the same questions as the first intake doc. I won't be as reluctant to tell the truth on some of these things this time. Hope i don't get in trouble for changing my story about how bad some symptoms are.

And I hope I don't meet any other vets who feel a need to tell me triggering stories.

[bebop]

I think people (civilians) really don't understand and really hon they just dont think like vets do. I know before I married a nam vet I had no idea.

(((hugs))) maybe your private dr can give you something for the anxiety til you see the va drs.

[Michah]

Troy,

You are well within your rights to say "I do not want to meet that person. I appreciate that you are "thinking of me", but I decline the invitation". This person that you met is probably a great person and you both might have a lot in common, but you need to meet people on your own terms. Especially at the moment when things have ramped up and vulnerability is paying a visit.

Social niceties be damned, dear friend! Mind you, me giving any sort of advice on social interactions is probably not a good thing. I have become increasingly intolerant in my maturity and have been known to simply walk away from someone after imparting a comment along the lines of "You are a bigot and an imbecile." I am not anti-social, I just don't suffer fools gladly. So you might want to take my post with grain of salt, even though my intentions are good.

Along the lines of what Bebop said, people don't really understand. In this case, because they were genuinely trying to help, you might have felt obliged. But you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to do. If you can't be around happy people right now, then don't be, BUT don't replace them with negative nancy's either. Maybe just catch up with mates, one or two at a time.

Say "No" a bit more to the things that don't really matter, and "yes" to the things that do. It is all about you at the moment, my dear friend. Your safety is all that matters.

Hugs,

Michah

[(JD)]

Well, non military people want to try and show they care, and they, like others in similar situations, can make or say some inappropriate things. They are just trying to help, truly.

You know what I'd say? I'd say, Hey, even I can't stand to hear those stories, I lived it! Or maybe say, Hey, maybe later, ok? Of if push comes to shove tell them I've got PTSD Dude, and I ca't stand the stories!

however...with that said... I sat next to a guy at a dinner last night...and the conversation triggered something in him to share a line that he had been a cop in another city and had been badly injured and ...months of rehab etc. AND I DIDN"T HAVE A THING TO SAY! So, who knows? Here I sit, disabled from an industrial (work) injury... and I had nothing to say.

Guess we all just do our best.

[Troy]

Thanks for your tips on how to respond to these ppl. I know the friends are well meaning in wanting to introduce me to other vets. Maybe I need to pre-empt their kind efforts by explaining before hand, before they have a chance to "want to introduce me," that I'm not big on meeting other vets. I dunno. Maybe. ... I guess I could try each of these things and see what works.

I really appreciate feed back on all of this. I think it's going to get even scarier and I'm going to need help getting through the individual and group. Maybe they'll build my trust for me.

[Troy]

So, I meet this guy who has heard that I have Purple Heart from war. Lie the second words out of his mouth it's, "My good friends went to that war. One got killed. Two were wounded badly. I didn't have to go. I had a very low lottery number for the draft, but my uncle helped me avoid getting called up. Sometimes I wish I had gone, just to know what it was like, but I guess I'm really glad I didn't go." ... What kind of jerk lives inside that guy? All of that within 15 seconds of our being introduced. I said, "Nice meeting you. Hope all that get all of that worked out. See ya later." And left him standing there flat footed as I turned to speak with someone else.

[Open Eyes]

(((((((((((((((((((((Troy)))))))))))))))))))))
I am so sorry. I know that it is hard to be misunderstood. It looks like people are trying to help you meet others for support. I know it's hard on you, but normally people are compelled to group people in areas of common interests and concerns etc. Most people Troy really do not understand the troubles that our war vets have. I have heard stories from mothers who sons come home and they are very quiet and need a lot of time to even hope to adjust to the lives they led before their experience and who they are now.

To be honest with you, I might make that same mistake, as a matter of fact if you look at PC, there is encouragement for each different issue to be separated.

See how it is done here? But I do say, I have not seen a forum for those who are facing your own tramatic issues. Maybe the way you are describing about how you feel about it is why it isn't done here.

People just simply don't know the appropriate behavior. Perhaps one day you could write an article addressing some of the things that others do to upset you and what you would like to see people do that would make you feel more comfortable. You may even want to start by writing an annoyomous article in your local paper. Tell people what you want, what you need from all of us so we respect the way you want us to react to you.

I also think that people seem to want you to understand that they do appreciate you and they are trying, they just don't get how you feel.
Perhaps if you think about how you would have behaved in their situation before you served and didn't know anything about what you are going thru now.

Luckily now, people are learning how war veterans are really having a hard time. That means we are trying to reach out and help. But it is still fairly new Troy. You were very brave, and most people could not see themselves going thru what you have gone thru. People just don't know, even I don't know. Help us understand how to make you and others like you feel welcome when you come home. Tell us what you want to see happen.

We do care, show us how.

Open Eyes

[Troy]

And thanks for thinking through all of this and explaining it as you see it.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't make the remarks these jerks make.

I'll consider the article. Thanks for suggestion

And as for a combat ptsd forum ... you hit the nail on the head. you can see what small number of participants we get here, and you know veterans who search for ptsd info are finding pc remarks.

It's very difficult to write the hard stuff here. As you know, I finally got up the nerve to be evaluated at VA and am officially declared as PTSD , but I've declined the therapy for the present, very much concerned that the aggressive therapy they recommend will open boxes that I've put away.

Sure, it's counter to logic, but I'm told this is a common reaction as well.

It would sure be good to have someone to talk with about these things, but I just cannot trust the shrinks yet. And they've told me they would be moving toward opening all the boxes ... whew.

ok, enuf rambling, sorry ...

[(JD)]

As for guys who wished (in a way) they had gone to war... there is something to that, not having served their country like the other men (thinking 'nam here) ...

As for the "Combat PTSD" well, I doubt that most Vets search for it like that. PTSD is foremost a disorder from war and it's trauma, remember? Before 'nam it was called shell shock and battle fatigue. It was afterwards that they added in other traumas that create the atmosphere of death or fear of dying.

IDK but perhaps someone could post a list of websites that cater to Vets, and then each time someone went to them, also mention PC? But then... most websites don't play nice like that, being so jealous of their members...

[roses4me]

I speak English and I chose to study in a part of the world where English is a foreign language and was not spoken. I live in a residence. there was one other girl who spoke English. Everyone said, 'oh you should meet her, you will be the best of friends.' I was skeptical. I eventually met her and we had NOTHING in common. We said hi, where are you from and then we had nothing else to say. And as we didn't like the same activities we had no reason to seek each other out. People were so confused as to why we weren't best friends.
I live in a town with a military base. People here are more interested in which hockey team you are cheering for

roses

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

And thanks for thinking through all of this and explaining it as you see it.

I'm pretty sure you wouldn't make the remarks these jerks make.

I'll consider the article. Thanks for suggestion

And as for a combat ptsd forum ... you hit the nail on the head. you can see what small number of participants we get here, and you know veterans who search for ptsd info are finding pc remarks.

It's very difficult to write the hard stuff here. As you know, I finally got up the nerve to be evaluated at VA and am officially declared as PTSD , but I've declined the therapy for the present, very much concerned that the aggressive therapy they recommend will open boxes that I've put away.

Sure, it's counter to logic, but I'm told this is a common reaction as well.

It would sure be good to have someone to talk with about these things, but I just cannot trust the shrinks yet. And they've told me they would be moving toward opening all the boxes ... whew.

ok, enuf rambling, sorry ...

No, Troy, your not rambling.

As a matter of fact there is another vet that posted here and he was told by a therapist not to try to go back to the experiences. And the vet agreed and so far feels empowered by it.

I think what you are saying is that you just want to get back into life here again and that you don't want to concentrate on what is past now. I have to respect that. Not all vets need to revisit it and go thru more trauma. If you feel in your heart that you just want to get back into life, then try it. I don't see a problem with that.

See if it works for you and if is does, please let others know that not all vets have to constantly be reminded. I think that there is just more awareness of vets that have come home and no one helped them. We don't want that to happen anymore. So, think about that if someone trys to make an effort to respect you Troy. We want our vets to feel welcome and we want them to get help if they need it or if they don't then we can respect that too. Do you see Troy.

Open Eyes

[Troy]

Thanks for the encouragement Open Eyes ... as you mentioned just having the diagnosis and understanding what is happening to me has helped a lot. Sometimes I feel i need to tell someone about some of the things that happened, but i just can't do it in person. I don't think I could tell a T about these things ... and some things are kind of like an obsession, they just won't go away.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

Thanks for the encouragement Open Eyes ... as you mentioned just having the diagnosis and understanding what is happening to me has helped a lot. Sometimes I feel i need to tell someone about some of the things that happened, but i just can't do it in person. I don't think I could tell a T about these things ... and some things are kind of like an obsession, they just won't go away.

Oh yes, I can agree with you on that, just knowing that you are responding to an event in your past in a normal way is a big relief.

I was the only one in my family that took the time to talk to my father Troy, even today. I know that he still thinks about his time in the service. I would have to say that it took him a long time to accept all the aspects of it. I know he saw things that he did not share and tried to concentrate on the things that were over come or questions he seemed to answer. I think that my questions to him were, in fact, questions he had himself as well. I think I gave him a real person instead of his mind, to ask the question so he could give his toughts back, out loud. He is 85 now and one of the things that he was always amazed at is that he lived as long as he has.

From what I have observed in my father and even my own struggle with PTSD, our minds are trying to seek answers for images, sounds, and fear.
But most of all Troy, what we really are looking for is an answer to a complete feeling of loss of control. There can be things in our past that have overpowered us in all kinds of ways and it can be hard on us. We fear going back and seeing it again, and we fear if we will ever be ourselves again or be comfortable with not only others but ourselves.

I think that what is most important Troy. Is that you recognize that, yes there were situations where bad things happened and all you could do is the best you could do. Humans can be very bad, any war is a horror to mankind. But, you did survive Troy, you are here and you are not going to be the same person you were when you left, you are different, you have seen and learned more. But you can still go back to living life and enjoying the simple things of it in a new way. You may appreciate things differently or get angry that others don't know how to appreciate what they have as you have seen it differently now. Remember ignorance is bliss.

Just as your brain has gone from a sort of simplistic thought pattern to a completely different thought process, does not mean that you cant go back to a function within society again. You just have to slowly allow yourself to adapt again. Your brain can do it, it just takes time. Your bain may question from time to time if it is ok to continue. You have to learn to say, yes, it is ok to continue.

Open Eyes

[Marie123]

I am a veteran of the Vietnam War era.....The Women's Army Corps (1964-67)....which was decomissioned over 20 years ago. I am sorry that happened.

Kind Regards, Marie (Sargeant at 19)

[(JD)]

PTSD does not heal on it's own... please continue to do good self care, read about how PTSD can affect your life (and wind it's way in and around everything you do and affect how you respond in the future)... it will cause you to create bad habits that cause much more suffering in the future.

The good thing--if one can say that-- is that once the brain relearns how to file those "type" of memories, it will continue to do so without any conscious effort of your own. What that means is if you learn to process some of the experiences, work through them, you will give the brain the directions it needs and you won't have to go through each harrowing event (as if that's even possible) Meeting and trusting people are a big issue for those with PTSD...

[Troy]

Thanks for talking to me and for talking to your dad. It's important for him to get these stories out before he passes.

And thanks for talking to me ... you're right ... the key issue is my wondering whether I'll ever be normal again. The thoughts are becoming more and more frequent and the solution to all of this occurs to me so often it seems like I'm constantly thinking about it also.

Stay in touch

[Troy]

Thank you so much for your service Marie ... you're an American hero!!!
I knew it then and I repeat it now...you're the best. Stay in touch.

[Troy]

Thanks JD ...my self care is disintegrating. The alcohol is still small amount ,but it's becoming more and more frequent and I have to tell you that it does work...and there are other habits-addictions coming into focus. Are these the effects you're referring to in saying ptsd will wind it's way in and around everything?

Originally Posted by (JD)

PTSD does not heal on it's own... please continue to do good self care, read about how PTSD can affect your life (and wind it's way in and around everything you do and affect how you respond in the future)... it will cause you to create bad habits that cause much more suffering in the future.

I know that this ptsd is an actual physical change in my mind and body, and it is wonderful to finally put a name on it. I am concerned about whether things will return to normal, ever, but also that if I start Therapy we'll open some boxes that will be far worse than what I do remember. T is on hold for now.

The good thing--if one can say that-- is that once the brain relearns how to file those "type" of memories, it will continue to do so without any conscious effort of your own. What that means is if you learn to process some of the experiences, work through them, you will give the brain the directions it needs and you won't have to go through each harrowing event (as if that's even possible) Meeting and trusting people are a big issue for those with PTSD...

You hit the nail on the head, hit the target, meeting and trusting people ... huge issue for me. If i'm in official capacity I just put the meet/greet in my public face department and do ok, even though in the back of my mind I'm thinking about the trivial events I'm participating in, and of course, never trusting any of them.

When I'm not in an official capacity, I just stay away from people. Those who know me are not even aware of my distancing myself when in groups. I think they see that reaction as my being aloof or arrogant. They're probably right.

On the other hand they all see me as a "very nice guy." And every time I hear such a remark, I think "if you only knew me."

Thanks for your encouragement