[Troy]

From an email circulating around the web:

When a soldier comes home, he finds it hard....

.....to listen to his son whine about being bored.

.....to keep a straight face when people complain about potholes.

.....to be tolerant of people who complain about the hassle of getting ready for work.

.....to be understanding when a co-worker complains about a bad night's sleep.

.....to be silent when people pray to God for a new car.

.....to control his panic when his wife tells him he needs to drive slower.

.....to be compassionate when a businessman expresses a fear of flying.

.....to keep from laughing when anxious parents say they're afraid to send their kids off to summer camp.

.....to keep from ridiculing someone who complains about hot weather.

.....to control his frustration when a colleague gripes about his coffee being cold.

.....to remain calm when his daughter complains about having to walk the dog.

.....to be civil to people who complain about their jobs.

......to just walk away when someone says they only get two weeks of vacation a year.

.....to be forgiving when someone says how hard it is to have a new baby in the house.

The only thing harder than being a Soldier... Is loving one.

[Open Eyes]

Very good Troy, you were thinking about telling us something.

But what about you, do have to anything to add to this?
Do soldiers really think that it hard to love a soldier?
Why do they think that?
Did they see too much?
I think that we do love them, but I think we don't understand how to love them the way they want to be loved. Tell us, how do you want to be loved?
How can we greet a soldier that has come home and has seen too much?
How can we give him a voice where we can treat him with respect and help him really come home in every way?
How can make whatever he has seen and whatever he feels as something we can show him respect for?
Because we have not seen it, lived it, we do not know. How can we change that and let him say to us his misery and what it means to him?
We want to welcome him home and make him feel at home and that he truely is at home when he gets back, what can we do for him?
The sentences that are written on this email they mean something.
Someone is saying something here to us, we want to hear the rest.
It sounds like we do not realize what is really important in this list you post.
Can you tell us the rest? You gave so much for us, how can we give back?
Excuse us for our ignorance, as we truely do not know, because if we did, if you would speak, than you would truely be at home.


Open eyes

[Troy]

Here's one thing about my ptsd that I've learned ... I get very nervous when I'm asked more than a couple of questions. Again, it's illogical, but when questions come in a flurry I start to shut down; I feel that feeling in my stomach, behind my knees, and down my biceps.

Same thing happens when I'm asked to do something. I'm ok with any request, but when I get the second request before the first is completed, it's like I'm overwhelmed in some way and just want to stop entirely, not do any of the requests.

I'm way bad about over reacting. Example, a small criticism of my input causes me to completely withdraw and not participate at all. I know it doesn't make sense, but I've seen it happen often. It would be like ... ok, I'll pay that amount even though the sign says differently, but I'll never be back in this store. Or ... you don't like the way I mowed the grass ... fine. Get someone else to do it. I've learned to find middle ground, but it's always a stressor.

This isn't meant as a criticism of your post. I'm just letting ya know since ya asked.

[Troy]

And why would soldiers think it's hard to love a soldier ... because we know what we're really like on the inside. We learn to cover the things we know are not acceptable. We learn how to "act" happy. We learn how to go along with the crowd. But on the inside, we know we are not what others see. If they knew us they would hate us, not love us.

Most of us learn how to cover the ptsd. People who know me would comment how well I adjusted to combat wounds and returning from war. They do not know the energy it takes to stay under cover. "He's a nice guy," they'd say. I hear it often. And it crosses my mind each time, "if you only knew."

[Troy]

How to greet a soldier coming home ...

Just say "hello" ...

Don't go on with that thanks for your service crap. Especially don't get all teary eyed and look right into their eyes and say things like, "Thank you for your service." Wow ... you talk about triggers!

It's all contrary to common sense, but the ptsd causes me to react emotionally when I hear something like that. One professional T said something like that to me and i just started sobbing. I almost have tears as I just type this.

It seems to be ok to say, "Thanks for your service" if you just say it and move the conversation to something else because I don't even know how to reply.

And don't ask questions of any kind about the service. I mean zero.

And if I start to tell you a story about something that happened, let me tell it without interruption because you can't imagine the courage it takes to get that story going. It won't be gruesome but probably humorous. Just laugh along at the end. Do not ask questions about it or ask for more. Just because i got one story out it doesn't mean i want to tell more.

If you want to buy me a beer or take me to dinner ...

Just do it. Don't even say it's in appreciation for my service because if you say that, it ain't gonna happen. Don't explain why you're doing it, just pick up the tab. I'll know what you're doing, and I won't have to trigger up a response because i don't know how to respond and it will make me way nervous knowing that I haven't responded appropriately.

You don't really want to know

You dont really want to know from your warrior about the symptoms of ptsd or about their experiences. If i tell you either of these, or about the way it all affects me now, it will fracture our relationship. 100% of the people who I've told any of this are now on the outside (or I'm on the outside). It's like you know too much. I lifted the curtain and you saw what is back there. And to compensate for that, I start to withdraw. i probably won't tell you that's what's going on, but I won't reply to messages or I'll start delaying until you get the idea. I'll arrange NOT to be where you're going to be. I'll avoid conversations other tahn official business or a kind hello. you'lll still see the smile on my face but there will be no glint in my eyes. Eventually, we won't even be communicating. ... so you really don't want to know.

No criticism intended ... just trying to anser that list of questions

[Troy]

How can we give him a voice where we can treat him with respect and help him really come home in every way?

Sorry to say, Open Eyes, but I don't think we'll be coming home in every way. I've buried myself in work for years. Stress was my friend. When all of it started to relax, the ptsd symptoms became more pronounced. They've offered therapy, but it seems too scary to me. I'm not into that yet.

Happiness - still searching
Relationships - appear to be real, but are distant
Relaxation - don't know how
Hyper vigilant - always
Trusting - no one
Alone - preferred
Suicidal - frequent thoughts
Helpful - always
Generous - overboard
anxious - always
Guns - keep 'em with me
Sleep - short period only
Facade - long term, but maybe wearing thin

I left part of myself on the battlefield. Each gun fight took away part of my being. Each warrior wounded or killed changed me in some way. Doc says it is a physical change and that I can learn to compensate for it but that it won't be "cured."

My physical wounds won't be going away either, but I've learned to compensate for the changes.

People see me as a model of what a wounded warrior would hope to be -- but if they only knew.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

How can we give him a voice where we can treat him with respect and help him really come home in every way?

Sorry to say, Open Eyes, but I don't think we'll be coming home in every way. I've buried myself in work for years. Stress was my friend. When all of it started to relax, the ptsd symptoms became more pronounced. They've offered therapy, but it seems too scary to me. I'm not into that yet.

Happiness - still searching
Relationships - appear to be real, but are distant
Relaxation - don't know how
Hyper vigilant - always
Trusting - no one
Alone - preferred
Suicidal - frequent thoughts
Helpful - always
Generous - overboard
anxious - always
Guns - keep 'em with me
Sleep - short period only
Facade - long term, but maybe wearing thin

I left part of myself on the battlefield. Each gun fight took away part of my being. Each warrior wounded or killed changed me in some way. Doc says it is a physical change and that I can learn to compensate for it but that it won't be "cured."

My physical wounds won't be going away either, but I've learned to compensate for the changes.

People see me as a model of what a wounded warrior would hope to be -- but if they only knew.

Thank you for sharing Troy and telling me some of the things that make it feel very difficult for you to feel that you have come home.

I am glad that you have shared and I can only hope that somehow you put what you have said here in an anyomus article, as much as you can so that others know how you feel.

What you have done for me is help me understand the depths of your pain and it has given me a way to relate to you.

I understand a lot of it as I am a victim of PTSD too and I have experienced things in my past that have been bad too. I can relate to that curtain and hiding behind it, even fearing to share what is back there. I can also relate to the feeling that part of you got left in that place where you felt pain, me too. I can also relate to if another person knew, well, they would walk away and somehow you would feel that you are not worthy or your past is so bad that others can't possibly relate to you or have an answer for you so they avoid you, me too.

I am glad that you shared this Troy. I hope that you can see that even though I have not seen what is behind your curtain, I know enough about that curtain to say, you are not really alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

I think that sometimes we have to realize that there is a time for sharing and a time to leave the curtain in place because, yes others will not understand. I am trying to understand and ACCEPT THAT, myself.

THANK YOU FOR SHARING

THIS IS ONE PLACE YOU CAN SHARE

AND, OTHERS WILL SOMEHOW UNDERSTAND BECAUSE THEY FEEL THE
PAIN AND LOSS AND CONFUSION TOO.

Open Eyes

[Troy]

Open Eyes ... sorry that you, too, have had to share the PTSD experience and i appreciate knowing that you realize there are some differences between combat ptsd and the others. I always feel that my symptoms and even the cause is so much less that what other have experienced that I have to force myself to post these things.

We share a lot in the details, but I'd have to say that if we knew each other personally, I'd be starting to break off communications about now.

I am glad that you shared this Troy. I hope that you can see that even though I have not seen what is behind your curtain, I know enough about that curtain to say, you are not really alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

You've mentioned an article before, but I have no idea where or how to do that. Can ya give me a clue?

Thanks to you and the many others here who have put up with my on-again, off-again participation in PC and for putting up with my whining about the symptoms. Your allowance for all of this has brought me a long way, encouraged me to get a formal diagnosis, and just as high on the list, let me see that I'm not alone.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

Open Eyes ... sorry that you, too, have had to share the PTSD experience and i appreciate knowing that you realize there are some differences between combat ptsd and the others. I always feel that my symptoms and even the cause is so much less that what other have experienced that I have to force myself to post these things.

We share a lot in the details, but I'd have to say that if we knew each other personally, I'd be starting to break off communications about now.

I am glad that you shared this Troy. I hope that you can see that even though I have not seen what is behind your curtain, I know enough about that curtain to say, you are not really alone, even though it feels that way sometimes.

You've mentioned an article before, but I have no idea where or how to do that. Can ya give me a clue?

Thanks to you and the many others here who have put up with my on-again, off-again participation in PC and for putting up with my whining about the symptoms. Your allowance for all of this has brought me a long way, encouraged me to get a formal diagnosis, and just as high on the list, let me see that I'm not alone.

I thought about you today Troy. I had to answer you this morning because I was going into a situation where I didn't know how I was going to make out. I had to try, but every inch of the way I didn't want to do it.

My husband and I met with family members in a restaurant this morning and it was pretty crowded. I have been having troubles with my daughter understanding what I am dealing with. Actually they are all having a hard time with it, so I can really, really, really, understand what you mean by putting on that face, that face that seems to fit or join an activity with others.

Well I tried very hard with that face and a nice outfit and I could see them all looking at me and that was hard. There was so much noise in that restaurant and for some reason they brought everything out on separate plates and the table was so full. The table behind me was really close and the chair behind me was pushing up next to mine. I tried really hard to listen to everyone talk and there was so much noise banging and dishes and people talking.

I couldn't do it Troy, I really know how it feels. No I didn't fight a battle like you I know that, but I have this curtain too Troy and theres is a lot behind it and like you, no I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!!!!

I know why you wanted to shut me off, I understand really. I feel the same way. To continue my story. Well, I had to get up and go outside, I was shaking really bad and having a horrible anxiety attack. I saw a set of steps off to the side where no one could see me and I sat there and I got angry at myself and at the whole situation and how others were going to see that somehow I was still not strong enough. When I think of what is behind my cutain, how I could be so strong thru it then and not now?

I think that if we met and sat by that campfire and had a quiet chat we may be able to draw back our curtains a little and agree in all the ways we can't seem to show it to anyone else or wish others wouldn't look at us like they do, and waiting to see if we are ok to approach or something.

I have sat with a young man who seemed to be able to do that with me and he was glad he did. He was a rescue person and he also had a history of family issues. He too has PTSD and he hybernates for many months at a time. We have this quiet connection that we just seem to know that we can cry with each other and no one is there to look at us and it's ok to share somehow. He has seen some pretty bad stuff Troy, and he can't really tell anyone else about it. And yet I don't really tell him to pull back his curtain, I don't even ask, he just does what ever he wants and I just listen and we share our fear and how hard it is.

That email that you posted came to my mind today. I could see all the other people and how they were having this complaint or that issue and I just sat there on those steps and shook my head.

I know you have a lot of anger and neither one of our curtains are in any way pleasant. I have not drawn all of my curtain back in PC. But every now an then I show a little. I tried to show someone and drew it back a little more and this person thought I was imagining it. If only that were true. I have to say my name should really be MISUNDERSTOOD.

I have a new habit now, I have to save nasty messages on my answering machine and I have to take pictures or grab a witness. I somehow need to have some proof to show people what I am saying is true. How awful is that.

When I think of your campfire and that center that glow of the fire, I think about PC and how we can somehow sit around that fire and try to deal with that terrible curtain that no one seems to understand, not even us.
You know, we can get pretty angry sometimes and we can cry too. But at least we can do that here, if not anywhere else. Even here is hard and the only good thing is that no one is really expecting us to push back any of that curtain, we choose to try to do it ourselves. And it isn't easy, like I said, I havent really pulled it all the way back and I only do what I seem to need.

I dont know about where that article could go yet, but maybe if you wrote it, then you may find a place to show it. It may take you some time to do it Troy. But just starting and writing is the first step.

We will have to think, but I am really glad you are thinking and sharing with me, I know its hard but ME TOO. You were definitely there with me this morning.

Open Eyes

[Troy]

You are right on the same path that I am, Open Eyes. Extremely loud, sudden noises SHATTER my nerves, and I'm almost out of control at that point. The one time I've seen shrinks say it has to do with my body's recollection of the combat explosions (just typing this about the noise makes m want to cry).

And those crowded restaurants with the clanking and banging, wow; it makes me want to leave also. If I'm alone and find that situation, I do just leave. If with a group, I have to put on that mask and try to make it through. Before it's over, people wonder why I've gone into a bad mood or why my answers are sharp. But, really, that kind of dinner just ruins the rest of the day or evening for me.

Today we have some children at our house, and they were loud and noisy. I was in good mood and the noise wasn't bothering me. Then one of the boys made this extremely loud, screaming sound and it just shattered my nerves. I asked him not to do that any more and buried the emotions. Seconds later he did it again, right next to me. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled right into his face to not do that again. You can imagine what an ogre I am now with all of those who saw it. It took about two hours to get my emotions and nerves back in place. I thought of grabbing a beer or a drink, knowing that it would tone things down, but I avoided it, knowing that I would settle down in a while. I went outside with the same kids and let them run and yell and play.

I might open up around a campfire. At least I'd tell a lot of combat stories. None of them would be the stories that caused my ptsd because I wouldn't be able to say the words. During the evaluation interview for ptsd, the shrink asked me a simple question about what incident caused my ptsd. I opened my mouth to answer and just started sobbing. (tears now). ... if you want to know the answer, pm me and I'll reply. I don't mind texting it, but saying it aloud to the shrink just wrecked me.

Another time she asked why I had chosen this time to get help, and i opened my mouth to answer ... again, sobbing and choking out the answer. Both incidents were a surprise to me. I know I'm pretty tightly wired, but that spring trigger surprised even me.

You mentioned the family gathering and the misunderstandings. I've found a couple things in all of this (neither helps, except to understand myself). One thing is that when people around me are happy, I go into a funk. I can be feeling good and very happy myself, but as soon as I realize what a good time everyone is having, zooooom. Down. And the longer I stay, the deeper I get. Within minutes, I have to get out of the room, out of the situation, and I often wind up alone and crying about it, not understanding why I am acting this way. It is at these times that suicide seems an option.

The second thing I learned is that I cannot tell my family the symptoms or explain my actions or what is causing it. I've tried a couple times, but both times the responses I got were so ridiculous I could see that I'm not equipped to tell them. i just put the mask back on and continued. Soon after combat and continuing for years, I've distanced myself from every family member (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins). It's that thing we've mentioned, they think I'm such high caliber person and I know that I'm fooling them with my mask. It feels terrible to do that, so it is easier to stretch thin the relationships and stay away.

I have no friends for the same reason. Plenty of people would say i have lots of friends. Many people would consider that they are my friend. But I have to tell you, there is not one person I'd call a friend. I keep all of these people at arms length because I know that being close to someone ends in pain as something happens to them.

LOL ... you say it might take awhile to write that article. i'd say you're right. it took me 2 hours to answer about 10 questions on the intake form for the ptsd evaluation thing. Luckily they gave me a separate room to do the form because every few seconds I was sobbing and crying and unable to write any more.

I've said a lot in these forums, a little at a time, trying to hold onto sanity. Maybe I could go back an pull together something that would make sense.

Good luck with those issues, Open Eyes. We know it ain't easy and that people around us would call us wimps and incompetent for not being able to handle things after all these years. I'm glad to find out from my shrink visit that this is a physical change in our body chemistry or something rather than just an attitude.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by Troy

You are right on the same path that I am, Open Eyes. Extremely loud, sudden noises SHATTER my nerves, and I'm almost out of control at that point. The one time I've seen shrinks say it has to do with my body's recollection of the combat explosions (just typing this about the noise makes m want to cry).

And those crowded restaurants with the clanking and banging, wow; it makes me want to leave also. If I'm alone and find that situation, I do just leave. If with a group, I have to put on that mask and try to make it through. Before it's over, people wonder why I've gone into a bad mood or why my answers are sharp. But, really, that kind of dinner just ruins the rest of the day or evening for me.

Today we have some children at our house, and they were loud and noisy. I was in good mood and the noise wasn't bothering me. Then one of the boys made this extremely loud, screaming sound and it just shattered my nerves. I asked him not to do that any more and buried the emotions. Seconds later he did it again, right next to me. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled right into his face to not do that again. You can imagine what an ogre I am now with all of those who saw it. It took about two hours to get my emotions and nerves back in place. I thought of grabbing a beer or a drink, knowing that it would tone things down, but I avoided it, knowing that I would settle down in a while. I went outside with the same kids and let them run and yell and play.

I might open up around a campfire. At least I'd tell a lot of combat stories. None of them would be the stories that caused my ptsd because I wouldn't be able to say the words. During the evaluation interview for ptsd, the shrink asked me a simple question about what incident caused my ptsd. I opened my mouth to answer and just started sobbing. (tears now). ... if you want to know the answer, pm me and I'll reply. I don't mind texting it, but saying it aloud to the shrink just wrecked me.

Another time she asked why I had chosen this time to get help, and i opened my mouth to answer ... again, sobbing and choking out the answer. Both incidents were a surprise to me. I know I'm pretty tightly wired, but that spring trigger surprised even me.

You mentioned the family gathering and the misunderstandings. I've found a couple things in all of this (neither helps, except to understand myself). One thing is that when people around me are happy, I go into a funk. I can be feeling good and very happy myself, but as soon as I realize what a good time everyone is having, zooooom. Down. And the longer I stay, the deeper I get. Within minutes, I have to get out of the room, out of the situation, and I often wind up alone and crying about it, not understanding why I am acting this way. It is at these times that suicide seems an option.

The second thing I learned is that I cannot tell my family the symptoms or explain my actions or what is causing it. I've tried a couple times, but both times the responses I got were so ridiculous I could see that I'm not equipped to tell them. i just put the mask back on and continued. Soon after combat and continuing for years, I've distanced myself from every family member (parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins). It's that thing we've mentioned, they think I'm such high caliber person and I know that I'm fooling them with my mask. It feels terrible to do that, so it is easier to stretch thin the relationships and stay away.

I have no friends for the same reason. Plenty of people would say i have lots of friends. Many people would consider that they are my friend. But I have to tell you, there is not one person I'd call a friend. I keep all of these people at arms length because I know that being close to someone ends in pain as something happens to them.

LOL ... you say it might take awhile to write that article. i'd say you're right. it took me 2 hours to answer about 10 questions on the intake form for the ptsd evaluation thing. Luckily they gave me a separate room to do the form because every few seconds I was sobbing and crying and unable to write any more.

I've said a lot in these forums, a little at a time, trying to hold onto sanity. Maybe I could go back an pull together something that would make sense.

Good luck with those issues, Open Eyes. We know it ain't easy and that people around us would call us wimps and incompetent for not being able to handle things after all these years. I'm glad to find out from my shrink visit that this is a physical change in our body chemistry or something rather than just an attitude.

Thank you for replying,

I don't think that it is bad to cry about certain things that come to you from the past. Sometimes I wonder if it is our brains way of allowing something to come forward that needs to be mourned. I am really trying to sort of ask my brain what it needs in a kind way. I do that here at PC as when I am posting to someone and I am kind and caring, it also reminds me to do that with myself. It reminds me that I am taking time out to not only be kind to another person, but to also learn how to be kind again to myself. Not that I am hard on myself, but I do get very frustrated with the different triggers and how I can't seem to keep them from happening at times.

Because my most recent therapist made a mistake in the way he presented grounding methods, it brought so much out as I realized how I had done it already all my life. I wish I didn't know that, or didn't realize that as I have been frozen, I can't do alot of the things I used to do and I am trying to explain it to my husband and he just doenst get it. My brain seems to, I don't know to how to really describe it, it is like it blocks out the act, and shuts down. And I don't like it at all, and I can't seem to understand it.

I know that much of who I was and how I did so many creative and productive things were some compulsive reactions to the constant tramatic things that I had to face and try to deal with. I can see that for every situation that was bad, not normal, I made up for it by doing something that was something that would offset the bad situation that I was really in. Now, it may sound healthy as I did try to be positive and I did try to work into a positive person inspite of the constant negetive.

I think that in many ways I was always saying in my actions, ''Well this is what I want, I will get it in spite of your actions or the way you hurt me". I know it was in a way healthy and it really helped me keep going.
But, the problem now is that the awareness of it, well, it reminds me or is attached to an injury in my brain. Now when I try to be me or do it, I can't seem to do it, there is a big block that happens in my brain and I have an emotional and physical feeling of being overwhelmed. But I can actually feel it in my brain. Now some may say that it is depression and I disagree, it is more of a no, if I do this than I may flashback to something or if I do this, it is old behavior that revolves around abuse.

When you describe your reactions to some of the situations that disturb you it is very similar to what happens in me. And I do understand exactly what you are saying that when that child didn't listen you broke into anger. You didn't have time to really stop and say, well it's just a child, nothing more. It wasn't that, it was that it kept coming even though you already tried to say something to stop it. So what is happening is that in your past, or my past, something didn't stop, it just kept coming and as it did it hurt more and more. Our brains were injured within this process and so when it happens, we react even though it is not the same trama or event that injured our brains.

Because others can't seem to understand this, we get angry, we don't just get angry at them, we get angry at ourselves and feel as though we cant seem to tone down or control, in fact somehow we have lost control over ourselves. And as far as Im concerned, there is no magic pill that is going to change this. Oh yeah, we can take something to address the excess adrenyline, we can have a drink or take a pill of some kind, but it doesn't address the injury itself, it just addresses the physical process of a reaction to the damage.

I would have to say that I would compare it to a broken leg or some sort of bodily injury. Oh, yeah we can take a pain killer, even morphine, but,
if that is all we do, well, that leg is not going to heal right or that injury is still going to hurt if we don't address the injury.

With our brain injuries, we can't just go back and keep looking at it either, that is not healing it. Can we just look at a broken leg constantly and think it is going to heal? NOOOOOO, and that is what some of the therapists do, lets go look at that leg, oh yeah it is broken, lets talk about it, lets concentrate on it. We say we are afraid to go and see the T. Why? BECAUSE WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP LOOKING AT THE BROKEN LEG.
WE WANT SOMEONE TO FIX IT, STRAIGHTEN IT OUT OR SOMETHING MORE THAN JUST LOOKING AT IT. AND NO, PAIN KILLERS ARE ONLY GOING TO TAKE AWAY THE PAIN THAT TELLS US SOMETHING IS WRONG, IT ISN'T GOING TO FIX IT.

Just my thought this morning. It was nice to share and I wonder how many will say, yeah, me too.

Open Eyes

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry, I tried to take that last statement you made and copy and paste it, well, I cant figure that out yet. But I want everyone or you to address it again.

I read the news letter that PC put out and I read the article about the therapist that has written a book and how she deals with PTSD patients, or even other patients. Yes, she is heading in a good direction, but, it is still in a gray direction. All she is really saying is that she is willing to quietly sit there and let the patient show the broken leg and calmly talk about it and acknowledge IN A KIND WAY, that it is there.

But she is still in a GRAY AREA HERE. Yeah, it is a better method, but it is still gray. I could see that what she is saying is exactly what I am doing in my own way and the way I use PC. I did take comfort in that. But I am still only just KINDLY looking at the broken leg. I have to be honest the next step is sort of on the tip of my tongue but I don't have it yet.
I am still a work in process, the leg is not yet fixed.

I hear you Troy, I understand about having friends, yet not having friends.
They can't get it, not the way you need them too and you know it, so that is why the only thing that can take place is the arms length. But, I know that it is a part of the process, and it is ok, don't feel bad, somehow, I know it is normal, normal to the injury. So don't worry, don't beat yourself up over it. I know its on the tip of my tongue, I am not there yet, all I can say is don't beat yourself up, IT IS NORMAL TO THE INJURY.

Open Eyes

[Troy]

Normal to the injury is good to understand. And it's normal not to want friends because:

...I don't trust anyone

...In the end they, too, will be taken away

...Friendship means sharing and knowing about each other - and it ain't gonna happen

...I must then maintain for them also when I can't even maintain for myself

...I really don't care about their petty problems

...I don't want them caring about my problems

...They ask questions that are triggers

...They start caring about me dragging in sympathy, empathy, and wanting to help

...They would hate the person hiding behind the mask

...They admire my service and want to tell me and others about it

...They can't get it that I just want to be alone

...They don't realize that their happiness is a trigger for me, and their bright smile is a warning sign to me

...They'll never understand that I am always ready for the enemy

...They have no way of knowing how noises, bright flashing lights and crowds affect me (and that none of it is mental) no matter how much I keep telling myself that everything is all right

...They can't imagine the amount of energy it takes to keep the mask in place so that I'm socially acceptable

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