[dolphin89]

It is so hard trying to work with a boss and co-workers who don't understand PTSD and think I use it as a way to get out of work. I have never not done my job or what was requested of me because of PTSD. Ex military just don't do that. We were trained to suck it up and do our jobs. If we didn't we could be responsible for our buddies being killed or wounded. I have explained the PTSD and some of my triggers, such as when I travel for work and I have the far eastern portion of Montana, I have too much time to think which causes me get aniexty. At one point I was suppose to be in a town but it was like I woke up in a different town an hour south of where I was suppose to be. Has this every happened to anyone else. Hotels are especially bad for me, especially the dark and small mom and pop hotels that are found throughout eastern Montana. Twice now I have found myself under the bed and once in the bathtub in the hotels. I just don't feel safe and the least little noise can cause major panic.

Three years ago the boss promised me that we would rotate the routes but it has never happened.

Today one of my co-workers and the boss were trying to push my buttons and get me angry. You admit you have a weakness and they use it against you. The boss is a bully we have lost 8 workers in the three years she has been there. I need the job to pay off student loans so I can't leave, but here are some days when I just want to go on a rampage and destroy everything in my path related to this job. I know I have problems with authority figures whom I have no respect for. Does anyone else have work issues.

Sorry for rambling, the PTSD has taken over today and I'm just trying to make sense of everything. Thanks for letting me ramble. Like Alexander in book think I'll move to Australia

[Open Eyes]

Hi dolphin I am sorry that I didn't see this. I can relate to the anger, sorry it can happen with the PTSD. I am sorry that you are running into people that are not repecting the fact that you are struggling with PTSD. I can relate to that as well.

I personally think the goverment should pay off your school loans.

Open Eyes

[dolphin89]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Hi dolphin I am sorry that I didn't see this. I can relate to the anger, sorry it can happen with the PTSD. I am sorry that you are running into people that are not repecting the fact that you are struggling with PTSD. I can relate to that as well.

I personally think the goverment should pay off your school loans.

Open Eyes

Thank you open eyes. It would be nice if they would had least knock 20% off the total loans. I never knew getting an advance degree would cost so much.

I think my biggest problem at work is the lack of respect for myself and my experience and knowledge I bring to the table. Since I've been out of the military respect is a big issue with me. That I can't understand the work ethic or lack there of from my co-workers. Maybe I'm the one out of step with the rest of the world? Sorry got off subject and my mind is starting to take a trip so I better catch up with it.
Thanks again Open-eyes and I hope all is well with you.

I am sorry! I am just coming across this now. Sometimes I miss posts and then find them days later ... 5-minutes away still applies, though

I JUST spoke with my T about the very thing ... it's not WORK that gets to me (I actually love the industry and the actual creativity about it all), it's the people that sometimes push my last button...a member recommended a book to me which I am reading now and it helps a little bit.

Also, yes, I have certain areas of town that are totally off limits and if I go anywhere near them I start panicking. And I also have found myself hiding because I am so afraid (A got so bad I didn't leave home).

So, it's been a time since you posted (again sorry I didn't find sooner). How are you doing?! Hugs

[dolphin89]

Originally Posted by Rose Panachée

I am sorry! I am just coming across this now. Sometimes I miss posts and then find them days later ... 5-minutes away still applies, though

I JUST spoke with my T about the very thing ... it's not WORK that gets to me (I actually love the industry and the actual creativity about it all), it's the people that sometimes push my last button...a member recommended a book to me which I am reading now and it helps a little bit.

Also, yes, I have certain areas of town that are totally off limits and if I go anywhere near them I start panicking. And I also have found myself hiding because I am so afraid (A got so bad I didn't leave home).

So, it's been a time since you posted (again sorry I didn't find sooner). How are you doing?! Hugs

Being around the people at work is driving me absolutley over the top. For the VA disability I have to explain how I am having a hard time adjusting to civilian life. My pride is getting in the way, I hate to admit that I have trouble with authority that I have no respect for. In the military you might not respect the person but you respected the rank. I don't have that to fall back on at work. I have to explain to the board why I almost took down a supervisor that snuck up behind me and crooked her arm around my neck ( Flashback to the sexual and physical assult). I stopped myself at the last second from snapping her like a twig when I saw the look of horror in her face. She was just kidding around

When I talked to the VA counselor I was informed that it was because I was angry not because of the PTSD or flashback and I need to have better control over my actions. I was beating myself up enough about almost killing the supervisor ( she is also a friend) I didn't need the T getting on me.

I think right now I just want to say screw it all, take the dogs and move into a cave in the mountains. That way I don't have to worry about other people and saying or doing something wrong.

I am in the same boat lately. I was ready to check myself into UCLA just so I could get away from some of these people...they are ridiculous: spoiled, entitled punks who expect the world revolves around them.

I am (what feels like) wasting so much time every day and night and even in T just trying to put up with their antics and dealing with them that I just feel even more miserable. It sounds selfish but I want to work on me: not teach others how to be empathetic, respectful, decent human beings.

Please be gentle with yourself regarding that incident with the Supervisor. If I had the skills, I probably would have done the same thing. it's part of your training. And how could anyone NOT understand that ... if someone laid hands on any of us, we would definitely defend ourselves. Especially at the office / in public without consent. Your S should have known better.

(I was at a large function (UGH thinking about it...a lot of people smushed into a very, very small space. it was hot, stuffy, etc.). My (beloved) dad (!) came up from behind me and tapped me on the shoulder, and I jumped about a foot...poor Dad. I felt bad).

I hadn't been diagnosed yet, either, so all I knew is that I was suffering terribly from extreme anxiety, sad and agoraphobia....just going to that function took everything I had to get there and nobody knew how much I was suffering.

I just keep reminding myself of something one of the other members wrote to me just the other day ... perhaps it would help a little: think of a trigger as a clue (pieces of the puzzle coming together) It's exhausting, though.

I'm grateful we all have each other. Try to be gentle with yourself and big hugs! you're getting through another day ... with us! we are all getting through another day

[Open Eyes]

What I have realized about PTSD from where I am now in my recovery work. I have come to realize that when PTSD starts to kick in, what we are living through is all the emotional things our brains had walled off somehow. I think about a computer that is just loaded with viruses and what ends up happening is the computer slows down and has trouble just opperating normally. (understanding that the brain can wall off this like is does is like science fiction, WOW)

Given the fact that we had designed computers to be compatable with our brains, there ARE some similarities. But with a computer, there is no emotion involved.
But like a computer, if there is some kind of virus it picked up somewhere, it does effect it's capacity to function and any new information being downloaded takes more time and puts more stress on the computer as well.

So if we think about PTSD that way, what we are really doing with our brains is we are working on slowly addressing the viruses that affect our way of getting through our normal process of thinking through our days. Only as I mentioned, while we are working on finding where the viruses are and resolving them, the viruses we deal with are attached to emotions that we do experience while we are sorting and cleaning up our brains.

One of the things I have really been on the fence about is trying to continue working and dealing with life as we are trying to work through our PTSD. I find personally that I get exhausted and even short tempered at times. However the up side is that I also get to see more of where my difficult areas are through triggers that present themselves in different situations that take place during my effort to try to still try to do what I can to earn money and get through my days. But my brain is VERY SLOW compared to other people and that is also where I feel far from what others can seem to do so effortlessly and they don't truely understand what I am struggling with.

And YES, I too just want to go somewhere and not have to do people and work and sort through daily struggles. I just want a big time out somehow. And I have come to realize that it is connected to how my brain/computer is slow and trying very hard to work on clearing these troubling viruses.

And I am also still on a sense of high alert sometimes and I am not aways aware of it. But that is something I have to work on and I don't think that I am ever going to erase the fact that I was in danger at times in my life and I had to do certain things to survive. I can't say that I know that yet at this point in my recovery. Honestly?,
I have been programed to run a certain way that is different from the average person so I have to really work on that and see what I can do to better manage it and work through it.

For a while there IS going to be a desire to want to do that in a "safe" place. Because with PTSD, our brains do feel vulnerable because our brains do know that there is a process that we have to go through and it takes time to do this. Actually if we think about it, our own brains are trying to self protect as we work through this thing called PTSD. There is definitely a timely process to it. And it is obvious we are not "just" anything like other people who can move along with thier full functioning brains/computers. And no, we just can't hit the IGNORE button, it doesn't work right now. And yes, we may suddenly get overwhelmed too if a trigger goes off and we know if it is connected to a strong emotional experience, well that can be hard to deal with around other people.

I can see more and more how this process has to run it's course though. And it is important to understand that, other wise it can be much harder when these troubling memories come forward with all the loud upsetting emotions we didn't realized were saved as well. But I have realized that as we experience them and address them consciously, the troubling emotions do lesson more and more. And I have come to realize that it IS a process that we all have to walk "through" to get to a point where we can get to a better more functional state of mind. The key is to understand that this is not perminent and we CAN get better with TIME and good therapy.

I am still working at it and I still have some pretty exhausting days. But I am seeing it more for what it means now and am trying to continue to be patient. But I do still long for a quiet place with no or very few people just to rest my mind a bit.

Open Eyes

Originally Posted by dolphin89

Today one of my co-workers and the boss were trying to push my buttons and get me angry. You admit you have a weakness and they use it against you. The boss is a bully we have lost 8 workers in the three years she has been there. I need the job to pay off student loans so I can't leave, but here are some days when I just want to go on a rampage and destroy everything in my path related to this job. I know I have problems with authority figures whom I have no respect for. Does anyone else have work issues.

Ugh. I can relate.

I'm a manager with PTSD. And I feel this has broken me inside out. I've been at this for almost 3 years and I feel like I can't do anything anymore. Ever.

Hate people (my boss too), hate myself, hate everything about it . Mind you, it is a private company, truly hateful because everything is just so hostile so it doesn't help the cause, either. Anything is a problem, hate, yelling, name calling, etc. They pressure me and my peers with unrealistic goals and when you don't nod and smile then they go around with paying you late, discounting stuff, and being all sort of shady.

Can't leave either because this is what helps me afford all the medical bills, but I swear some days I just can't breath at all.