Hospital Incident - triggers

100% triggers - combat, hospitals, injuries
Moved over here from Survivors of Abuse Forum ...

I don't know if I can repeat this here. I was just typing a PM to a friend, and this memory just popped out of my finger tips. It isn't about sexual abuse or rape, but somehow it is tangled with all the stuff that happened in my childhood.

In our PM exchange, my friend mentioned the harassment soldiers sometimes get when returning from war. I told her that I didn't encounter too much of that since I spent so much time in hospitals recovering from wounds. But there was an incident that occurred even in the hospital ...

In telling her, I even started to add an "lol", seeing the irony in the fact that the antiwar feeling permeated even the hospitals. But then I started typing, and you'll see the effect the telling had on me. Afterward, I just felt I had to post this no matter how hard it was or how scary because people need to know what goes on...this is not about today's wars but a time in the past.

***
After I was wounded and spent a long time in the hospital while they tried to stabilize me for the life saving surgery I needed, the day came for us to try it. If I didn't have the surgery right away, there would be another empty bed on the ward and another playing of taps in the cemetery.

I was on a gurney being pushed down a long, long hallway. Just the two of us in this brightly lit hallway.

Along the way I was awake and I responded to some remark of his with the word "friend" in my comment. Something like "It's ok friend, I know I might not make it through the surgery."

Whoa.... the guy went ballistic. He slammed the gurney against the wall. I almost fell off the bed. He jammed it against the wall again just to make his point. He yelled at me, "YOU'RE NO FRIEND OF MINE. DON'T YOU EVER SAY THAT AGAIN. YOU STUPID F*. YOU GOT YOURSELF SHOT AND YOU COME IN HERE WANTING ME TO BE YOUR FRIEND. SHUT THE F* UP." And he slammed the gurney on the wall again.

And we went in silence down that long hall with me holding onto the sides of the gurney because I didn't know if he would shove me against the wall again. No sound other than the squeeking of his boots on the polished tile floor. To the operating room where I saw all the saws and hatchets and tools hanging on the walls.

And people in white gowns and masks. Walking around with their hands in the air like zombies while others laid out sheets and tools. And a masked man came close to my head and whispered about anesthesia. And asked if I was right with God. And echoing in my mind was "YOU'RE NO FRIEND OF MINE!"

I said, "let's go" and that is all I knew until waking up later, alone in a room, sobbing, wondering if life would ever be the same. And holding onto the sides of the gurney so I wouldn't fall off.

*tears *panic *choking ... ... I can't believe the effect telling this has on me. I didn't even remember it until I was typing. It just kind of came out my finger tips. And now tears are running down my cheeks and down my neck.

I am sorry.

<blockquote>
*whew*

That's a hard story to tell, Troy. I'm glad you shared it. I think many people have no real idea of the reality of having lived through a war zone.

I'm glad to know you found the space and the courage to tell it.

Regards.

Very scary telling this story ... scary that others find out what goes on behind the scenes. One combat medic sent me PM commenting on this character. This was just one medic. I was assisted and cared for by dozens of other medics who should all get the medal of honor for their heroic work.

The weirdo medic who slammed me into the wall is not at all characteristic of combat medics who risked their lives daily to make sure others were cared for. All of the medics i knew took all the time they could to listen to soldiers talk all afternoon or all night if need be to help them survive mentally.

Every medic I know helped the whole man survive, from scratches to tourniquets -- aspirin to morphine. whatever could be done to help.

Salute to medics everywhere!

Troy

<blockquote>
I found myself wondering about the motives of that particular medic. After all, his response seemed rather intense. and usually, we get that way because something has triggered something painful or fearful in us. I wondered if maybe he'd befriended lots of soldiers before you and there came a point where he just couldn't stand to lose one more "friend". I guess that's one way of dealing with that problem -- you don't have to lose them if you refuse to befriend them. Not easy to be the one who's not "befriended" though.

Gentle thoughts to you Troy......is it ok to hug you?

I can appreciate how difficult this memory was for you. Thank you for sharing it with us.


sabby

Thanks for the hugs... always welcome ... always needed.

Re. what this medic was suffering from ...

I know what his problem was. It was obvious in the names he was calling me, names that I did not include in the telling.

Revealing his exact motives would not be of value to others in the forum. I hate to be so cryptic, but I just know that in this case it will be better left alone. If it will help you to know, I don't mind talking about it, but it would be better put into a PM. Just let me know if you want this information.

Troy, Wow that is rough and requried alot of bravery to tell. No sorrys okay? You have nothing to be sorry for..sharing memories is a way of healing and confronting the past. I don't know the problem this medic was suffering from..but he shouldn't have taken it out on you. You can tell me if you want. Take care Troy..sending a gigantic hug to you.

comment delete by request. sorry guys

by bebop

((((((((( Troy )))))))))


sabby

obviously the medic was highly opinionated...and you know how that goes... everyone has one.

Racism is an ugly thing..I have seen it's affect on people first hand..and how it can deystroy peoples lives..how horrible it is when people can hate one another for such petty things.
I'm sorry this medic was so hateful to you Troy, you didn't deserve it.
You are an amazing person..keep posting if it helps!!

Wow I bet that was scary! After that happened, You probably wanted to get the hell out of there huh? I am glad you shared that, I cant beleive someone would do that.

It sure made me even more apprehensive going into surgery.

Came out of surgery and recovery room crying my eyes out for the troops back in the jungle. Who would lead them? Who would make sure they had what they needed? Who would take care of them?

I know I didn't have hundred % success, but saved a lot of soldiers from injury and death... and now I couldn't go back. The nurse said, "they have another commander now." .... for crying out loud ... "another commander" ...and it turned out to be one who was far more aggressive and trying to make a name for himself ... and it cost a lot... and I was lying in a bed half way around the world....and he did make a name, he sure did. And you'd recognize the name if i typed it...and so would a lot of other soldiers.

And the weird medic had to deal with his problems on his own.
And the war went on.
And the politicians drank wine in Paris
While the grunts heated c-rations by opening anti-personnel mines and burning the plastic explosive ... and someone said, "breathing those fumes can't be good for you." ... lol.