Charles Lee aka Charley

Capp · Jan 02, 2009, 03:49 PM

--insert many trigger warnings--

My intent this day was to be mature and philosophical and professional, and I was but within the last hour my grief started ripping my guts right along with my heart...

Annual poker game last night. We were short one player.
Charles Lee, very fondly called Charley (Char-Lee in honor of his Southern accent)
Micky waited to tell the rest of us so our holiday wouldn't be ruined...Charley killed himself.
Ya don't survive a well-placed shot in the head, but I suppose you remembered enough medical training to know just the right spot
so ya wouldn't be a forgotten vegetable in a VA hellhole

Charley, RIP
Thank you for holding my babies and making them laugh. They adored you...and still ask about you.

Thank you for holding me while I cried then and through the years.
Remember my first time?
Rockets red glare, my butt. It scared the pee out of me, and it didn't help that you landed on top of me...I never did believe it was to protect me...got yourself a freebie didn't you? Not really but we got a lot of mileage out of the jokes, didn't we?
It's ok; I was shaking so hard I don't know why ya didn't just roll right off me. Thanks my brother for not letting them know I was such a CS for the first few weeks...

You worked harder than most of us. Enlisted techs got no respect from anyone but us...
Be in the OR for 24-36 hours or longer and you still had to do the crappy Mickey Mouse stuff. 'Member when ya fell asleep in that kid's gut? I don't remember who took the 56 seconds to pull you out of him and put you in a corner...it was like a well rehearsed movement...swoop in for you and drop ya in the corner, head and chest covered in his blood
sterilize and back inside without missing but two heartbeats
now it's your own blood that covered what was left of your head
why Charley why
didn't get answers then and there is none now

shoveling the mud sliding into the OR during monsoon
never seemed fast enough
us cleaning fast as we could
oh well

71 worst ejaculation hospital
least offensive name we called it
offensive
saw the results of a lot of them, didn't we Charles Lee?
saw a lot of things
I'm glad we saw them together
I'm sorry for the look of relief in your eyes when i said crispy critters for the first time
heart hardened and ya knew I'd make it--helluva way to grow up, isn't it? we did grow up though and they didn't

why?
Charles Lee
Taps again
in honor of your service

I'll miss you, brother
say hello to those who are saying, Welcome Home! to you now
home of rest and peace and the puzzle fits again

Cap

bebop · Jan 02, 2009, 07:38 PM

capp hon my heart is breaking for you! lean on us here anytime hon. words are never enough in times like these.

Capp · 12:02 PM

Thank you, bebop, for your response!

still trigger warning...

I spent most of last night listening to Pavarotti and Robert Windpony...
Grieving with no serious flashbacks after the initial shock. I'm grateful for it.

Walking through many memories can be comforting in ways.
Memories surrounding gruesome events, but there were also memories of the intensity of the situation and how it forged a closeness between all of us.
We would not have stayed functional without that feeling of having our backs covered while covering the backs of others.
It's something you never forget, and something you will never have with anyone else...

I feel so sad and bland and numb and angry and sad all over again...
My heart remembers Charley holding on to me while I puked my guts out...first time of caring for a crispy critter...napalm makes for some nasty crap...it seeps into the pores of the skin and the smell of the rot and infection that comes along with it. Kinda bad and ya never forget it.
Ya never forget it was a jet jockey over shooting and hitting our guys...
Charley told me I was allowed one puke and that was it. And it was.

I wanted to have a tribute of sorts, but there are no words...and it wasn't just Charley, either. It was a whole group of people, much like the group hug emoticon, working and playing together.
When one of us starting coming apart, we held them up or allowed ourselves to be held up.
Give and Get.

It transfers into real life and also here at PC...if someone is willing to accept it.
Give It-Get It.
How little importance we can place on the words of care and encouragement given to the hurting one.
Some refuse to hear while others grasp and won't let go...
Payoffs for some; relief for others.

Strange thoughts from a tired and aging mind, I know.
Oh Well.

I'd like to shout out the full name of Charles Lee *****, but obviously I will honor his right to some anonymity.

"Remember this man, world! He was loyal and funny and good, and a privilege to know him. Smart and dependable and sought out the worst cases 'cause he could handle it..."
Until he came home and couldn't forget.
We had one male nurse who we thought was cold but polite. He never accepted our invitations to get drunk, always preferring to read...yep, read about how much Darvon you could take to die and not be a veggie if it wasn't enough...we never found out if he was a corpse or a veggie. poor man.

sorry, one memory is bringing on others
good--bad--in between
center of all of them is a solid foundation of love

Cap

madisgram · Jan 03, 2009, 01:50 PM

i'm so sorry for the loss of your good friend, capp.

you're right...in so many words, he's at peace now...no more tormented soul. he sounds like he was an awesome man. i will pray for him, his family, his friend-capp.
i lost my best girlfriend this way...she had not served in the armed forces but she meant the world to me. i will never know all her torments to make her choose the only option she saw. it took me a while before i began healing from the loss of her so i can relate to your sadness.
sincerely, jan

gimmeice · Jan 03, 2009, 03:14 PM

(((((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear friend.

Typo · Jan 03, 2009, 03:24 PM

((((((((((((((Capp)))))))))))))0

I wish, I could give you a giant hug, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish there was something I could do to help you ease the pain hun.
Always here for you, always,

Love
Sparrow

xivella · Jan 03, 2009, 04:04 PM

(((((capp))))) sorry for your loss

Capp · Jan 03, 2009, 06:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by madisgram

i'm so sorry for the loss of your good friend, capp.

you're right...in so many words, he's at peace now...no more tormented soul. he sounds like he was an awesome man. i will pray for him, his family, his friend-capp.
i lost my best girlfriend this way...she had not served in the armed forces but she meant the world to me. i will never know all her torments to make her choose the only option she saw. it took me a while before i began healing from the loss of her so i can relate to your sadness.
sincerely, jan

Thank you, Jan...
that sadness is still clinging to me
but I'm also very angry with Charley...part of the grief, I know, but I'm still angry with him.
Thank you for the prayers, Jan. He left his family within weeks of coming home, came here where so many others were, and lived on the streets.
He always shaved and smelled clean and laughed so much. I agree that we'll never truly know his torments and demons...but I'm still angry.
If I stop being angry, I'll start to cry and I don't want to cry--he would be royally POd at me.
...feel like I'm in a crossfire of conflicting emotions

Mick and I made some calls today. Not much of anything can be done until Monday. There's a waiting list for the two closest national cemeteries.
His body is still at the funeral home thanks to Mick. They would have put Charley in potter's field...anyway, we'll do what we can to get the money and give him a decent burial.
Taps...recorded with a uniformed soldier syncing 'cause there aren't enough buglers. The few that are left are kept busy with WW2, Korean, and Iraqi vets...
It sounds the same and hurts as much

I think his heart just wore out

Cap

Capp · Jan 03, 2009, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by gimmeice

(((((((((((((((( capp )))))))))))))))))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss of your dear friend.

Thank you for the hugs...I needed...need them.
Cap

Capp · Jan 03, 2009, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Silversparrow

((((((((((((((Capp)))))))))))))0

I wish, I could give you a giant hug, I am so sorry for your loss, I wish there was something I could do to help you ease the pain hun.
Always here for you, always,

Love
Sparrow

My thanks, Sparrow, my thanks

it hurts more than when my parents and my brothers crossed over
I'm so very, very angry

Cap

Capp · Jan 03, 2009, 06:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xivella

(((((capp))))) sorry for your loss

Thank you...I sincerely appreciate your condolences
and hugs

Cap

Capp · Jan 03, 2009, 07:11 PM

replying to my own post...damn but that feels weird!

I am so freaking angry with him
he was smiling and telling dirty jokes the last time I saw him
no threats, no depression showing, nothing

I spent some time digging through my father's old foot locker...I keep my treasure box there. My boonie hat and pictures and the crest and more pictures
there is his grinning face among the others
half the others are dead, too. some natural causes...drinking themselves to death. the others from cancer most likely from agent orange

I am so freaking mad at him
he held my head when i was ralphing from the chemo and picked me up and carried me to bed and crooned until I fell asleep
he shaved my head when there were only wisps left and bought me the brightest red lipstick to wear and told me to stand tall dammit that i was a survivor and to stand tall

I am so freaking mad at him
my grown children cried when I told them
my grand babies saw him only once and he was thrilled with them
my sometimes SO was stunned

Charley I am so freaking mad at you

Troy · Jan 04, 2009, 07:43 PM

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened to Charley. He must have been a great friend, then and now, and his choices hurt everyone who knew him. He wouldn't want to have hurt anyone like that, but he ran out of choices as far as his mind could see. You told me one time that we're all just doing the best we can at the time, and that's the best Charley could do as he saw it.

It doesn't diminish his contribution, his heroism, or all the great things he did to help others. He should be given awards and his name should be on the Vietnam memorial wall. He was killed by the war as surly as anyone who was sent home in a flag draped coffin.

You and your team operated in a combat environment as much as any of us in the field and all know what it is like to cover and care for each other.

May God bless Charley ... and may God bless you, Capp.

Please remember - you saved my life. You are a hero and you deserve the best. Please add our prayers to yours when you go to Charley's memorial service. It would be good to know when it is scheduled.

My words just feel so inadequate.

T.

notz · Jan 05, 2009, 04:10 AM

Cap,

Unansweable questions. Rage is ok. It's a real stand up thing trying to get him into national cemetary. Do you think contacting state senator would help?

I'm sorry for your pain. Thanks to Charley for his service...in and out of the military.

notz

Capp · Jan 05, 2009, 03:32 PM

Nightmares last night. Drowning in blood and couldn't save anyone
More like reliving time with Charley
Flashbacks while your sleeping/in a twilight?

Depressed today. Lots of memories, many were good, Some made me start laughing which led to tears and that's good, I guess.
Tried to nap but woke up startled and sweating, not knowing where I was.

Looks like he did reach his limit 'cause he left a note for us.
One note with short messages to the six of us, no apology, none needed, he was hurting. More than we knew...more than we saw in his eyes
He'll be cremated tomorrow and we'll spread his ashes over "our" lake on Wednesday. He wanted nothing to do with anything military...
The lake is where all of us fished, and if we were lucky, we cleaned and cooked 'em. Not lucky than we had peanut butter crackers, RC cola and moonpies--a Southern thing.
I think it calls for rain Wednesday
Charley would love it--us trying to throw ashes in a downpour.

our little group has gotten smaller
every little group does, though
side effect of becoming an antique/living long enough to bury 'em

damn I'm tired but leery of trying to nap
Cap

Capp · Jan 06, 2009, 01:37 PM

it's a sad and lonely walk
I'm tired, still some twilight nightmares. feels like I'm on high alert again
local military installation doing the boom-boom thing again, must be heading out to Afghanistan. new medical detachment already deployed

everything feels like it's a supreme effort to do

Cap

notz · Jan 06, 2009, 03:36 PM

I have to run out to some meetings - real life ones! Wanted you to know I'm taking you with me. No need to wear anything special, like you are is just fine. winkwink

Seriously, I really am taking you with me. Don't worry I've got a big SUV & I'm used to driving in traffic. Buckle up. Your RC Crolah and Moonpie are on the dash!

notz

Capp · Jan 07, 2009, 10:22 AM

Better this day...

Around lunch time, we are heading for the lake with Charley...
The rain has moved out
The wind have moved in
15-25mph, gusts to 35

Charley is laughing his butt off
His ashes should cover the whole lake with winds that high
If we take aim then maybe they will get to his favorite fishing hole

Gonna have to be real careful when we "sprinkle" his ashes
I've enough gray hair without adding any more
ok, so that was a macabre statement
even better;
we are gonna wear goggles

This courageous and loving man is no longer burdened with the unspeakable memories
Soar, Charley, Soar

Love to you, my brother/my friend

Cap

Troy · Jan 07, 2009, 12:05 PM

Lotta people are going to the lake with you today, Capp ... to honor Charley, and all of us know that Charley would laugh at humorous remarks ... he would lead the funny comments.

All of us thank you and your "team" for taking care of business for Charley ...

T.

Capp · Jan 08, 2009, 01:04 PM

It was good
Winds only 15-20mph
Six grownups wearing goggles
Mick wore goggles, an old leather pilot hat, and a white silk scarf...I couldn't even ask where he got them because I was laughing so hard.

Charley is all over/in the lake
Six people with ample arses in a jon boat...a visual for sure
Cramped but comfy with Charley in the middle
I had to leave my animals (crutches) on the pier
Much fun being loaded in the boat
There were enough ashes for each of us to toss a handful
while we told our favorite memories of him...
Wind, Ashes, and Laughs
Gonna form our own band

I felt the spirits of many with us
My blood-brothers and others who died because of the war
The spirits of those with broken spirits and wounded hearts
who walk among us
Gave me the damn creeps so I shushed them away.

They can have their own party once Charley has finished scouting the perimeter.

My favorite memory was watching him holding a baby while on a Medcap...them smiling at each other. Priceless.
I've other memories not so pleasant, but this is the best.
No worry lines, etc., just plain joy in holding this itty-bitty baby.

My thanks to all who walked this journey with me,
Cap