Needing relief

shezbut · May 28, 2016, 01:16 AM

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

Mondayschild · May 28, 2016, 11:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

I wonder about the getting "all better" too. What does that even look like?

#Life is a beautiful lie#

leomama · May 28, 2016, 12:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

Maybe we do have to fight it our whole life. I've been living with it for a decade. That's ok. You can still live a productive Life despite the diagnosis.

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cinnamonstick · May 30, 2016, 11:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

I feel the same way. I have come to peace with not fitting in, and honestly, I realize how incredibly special I am. You are too! I am suffering from PTSD that just happened. The event is ongoing, and I can't find solace. I can't work through it yet. I have lost trust in people, law enforcement, the government the very people who were supposed to "protect us".

cinnamonstick · May 30, 2016, 11:33 AM

I need relief as well, but my PTSD is ongoing...the situation isn't resolved. I put a post up and hope to get some replies...someone to reach out. It will be ironic (but not a total surprise), if no one responds.

quietincrowd · Jun 02, 2016, 08:10 AM

I am so sorry you are struggling. I have only had the diagnosis for about 18 months but in hind-sight been living with it for years, many when I was still in the abusive situation.
To offer you hope, there are days where the world seems balanced and everything is good. There are days when it gets turns upside down, but please hold onto hope because it will right itself again.
I have many many months where although there were small setbacks, I was centered. I found a loving partner who is kind and generous; someone who tries to understand, who loves me despite it, and supports me through it.

Keep focused on the hope and search for your center!

Take care,
~q

RavensPOE · Aug 11, 2016, 02:19 PM

I am 45 years old, and had a traumatic childhood filled with sexual abuse. At age 13, I began having Holocaust nightmares. Try as I might to get the nightmares to stop, no amount of therapy, depression drugs, hospital stays or therapists could help.

By the age of 42, I had become the Professor of Graphic Design and a Holocaust Educator. All of my faculty art exhibitions are my creative expression about my nightmares. I even created a commercial for Holocaust Ed in 2014 using new digital film apps, and my artwork.

Have you ever considered finding a therapist who has the same spiritual beliefs as you do? Whether you be Christian, Jewish, Lutheran, Catholic, etc. For me, this was the key.
Someone from the Jewish community reached out to me in 2013 after reading one of my blogs, and my rampant anger about how no therapist had ever been successful in ever helping me get control of my nightmares. They asked if I had ever considered talking to a Rabbi, who was also a licensed psycho therapist. I was willing to give it a try.

Within 6 months, he was able to get the nightmares to stop. He also was able to correctly diagnose me with Complex PTSD.

I am currently writing to you from Israel. I'm on sabbatical this year as a Professor. I decided to pick up a Master's in Holocaust Education in the Holy Land. My therapist? ...In time, he also became my Rabbi. I spent 2 years in therapy with him before getting on a plane and flying halfway across the world to the Holy Land to get the MA in Holocaust Ed. His private practice is in Tsfat, Israel--1 of the 4 holy cities. After a month of attending the university here, I hopped on a bus and took it to Tsfat to spend the Shabbat weekend with my Rabbi and his family. When he picked me up from the bus station--it was the very first time we were to physically meet. The first words he said to me were:
"God has brought you here."

Perhaps it is the same for you?...God has brought you here, to find answers to your questions. The key element that was missing from all my therapy sessions?...The spiritual component. And, fully knowing that someone truly cared about me, wanted to really help me, and wasn't focused on just taking my money and listening to me talk for an hour.

Your anxiety will end...when you find the therapist that you are searching for.
If you are spiritual at all...perhaps try looking for one that has the same spiritual/ religious view that you have.

Aug 14, 2016, 08:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

I am trying to accept the conclusion that the fight or flight syndrome is self defeating. I am trying to stop fighting back when I am abused by others and to just walk away instead. I'm trying to accept that people are mean and always will be. I may not fit in because I am not naturally that way. Mean people recognize that and will immediately pounce and take advantage. It is futile to fight them as they will only get meaner if I fight back. (They actually enjoy being mean. The sickos; it makes them feel powerful. Take their power away and walk away. If they want something, now they will have to do it themselves.)

This has led to isolation for self-protection and that's not exactly working either. I am thinking of moving. The USA is a very sick nation and the narcissists have taken over. Even churches are full of mean people. I am looking at alternative ways of re-building my life and living in a place where my value system works.

Trace14 · Aug 14, 2016, 11:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shezbut

I feel so complicated. I don't seem to fit in, wherever I go. For as long as I can recall, I've struggled with these feelings. I cannot bear the thought of struggling like this for the rest of my life!

In this room, we all fight PTSD. But, does it ever go away? Do people get "all better", or is it a lifelong sort of illness? I hate to refer to cPTSD as an "illness" (because I feel like that implies that something is wrong with me), but it sure isn't a walk in the park either.

I don't know what I'm saying here. I just feel hopeless. And I'm SO tired of feeling this way!

Yes we are all struggling here and are at different points in our journey. At first I couldn't believe I couldn't fix this on my own, then it was hard to deal with T's and therapies and I wasn't feeling any better, then the medications...my gosh something has to work, but not always sadly. I think at some point we may feel a little better and that's as good as it gets. But that's not bad, we just have to work with what we have and move forward. No one is perfect, right. Why should we think we have to be? How's the job going? Congrats on that! Life may not be what we want but at least we have it, it may never be like it was or it might be better one day. We keep moving forward and trying to find ways to improve ourselves, for ourselves. Take care.