No note, hurts as much as the action-Trigger

******Trigger******
Most here know that finding my Dad after his suicide kicked off my CPTSD, years of trauma came to the surface after this. Things I thought I had dealt with and put away came back in a deluge of emotions.
During my PE therapy the big things for me were finding him of course and then the lack of note being left behind.
I just read an article of where a note is not all that common. That really surprised me, but when I think of all the suicides I investigated there were not that many notes. It was a real eye opener for me and the article explains pretty well the double hit people take when they are the survivor of these tragic deaths.
Unwritten Goodbyes: When There is No Suicide Note : Speaking of Suicide

My sister, 5 of my friends and 3 cousins have committed suicide and none left a note. No note could fill the void they left but it would have (hopefully) answered some questions and given a little closure.

Good grief, I'm so sorry you had to endure that. I really thought more left notes. With the ones that did leave notes it was good and bad, good that they had that for some closure but bad because the notes were usually blaming others, especially the ones reading the notes *sigh* That would be hard to deal with to and never have a chance to clear that up. Did you go to that website "Speaking of Suicide" there's a lot of good articles there?

Yes I went and you are right there are a lot of good articles.

I would rather have had a note and been blamed than no note.

I agree. I didn't get a note, but he tried to leave a message on my answering machine. A note would have been better, something I could hold and read over as many times as I wanted to.

Trace -- you know from my posts that my daughter was hospitalized twice in 2016. Both times were for suicide attempts. I am so thankful that each attempt was unsuccessful, and devastated that she was in so much emotional pain that she preferred death over life. I continue the fight (mainly internal) to keep her safe while her PDoc continues to work to find the right combo of meds for her, and her therapist works with her to find a path in life. At this point her diagnosis isn't 100% clear. She came out of her hospitalization after her October attempt with a diagnosis of Bipolar 2 and Anxiety disorder. After her first attempt in March of 2016 she came out with diagnosis of MDD and Anxiety. Her regular PDoc isn't convinced she's Bipolar, but has kept her on the mood stabilizer just in case. She's been in a major depression since she was released and he is working to find the meds to bring her out of that. Her depression has lightened some, but "we still aren't there". Luckily, she hasn't had any major side-effects from her meds. She's resistant to the more common Antidepressants.

Her first attempt, she did leave a note, but not for the second one. I honestly don't know which was worse no note, or finding the note. I'm just glad she's still here.

Wow, so sorry to hear you had to go through that scare. I'm glad she is okay now, or at least safe. Hope they can get those meds right soon.
Yes that note can be a double edged sword. I still wish I had gotten one. I guess having his ashes is the only part of him I have anymore. Not sure I will ever release those.

It's been very tough, actually it's been a living nightmare. She does seem to be safe at this point in time. I have control of her meds right now. One thing I discussed with her PDoc earlier this week was whether I was holding her back by doing this. He told me as long as she's not pushing to take control of them, it was best that I keep control of them. I'm terrified of the day that she says she wants to control them.

It's that trust thing. You will never be able to trust her again, maybe with some counseling that can change. How do you stop wondering when the other shoe is going to fall though? Sounds like a good question for you to get answered. Did you say she was 18?

Yes, she's 18. First hospitalization she was 17, second was not long after her 18th birthday.

I honestly, at this point, don't think I will ever live another day where I'm not worried about her safety. It's exhausting. I've been doing this for a year now and every day is a struggle. I just need to keep going.

Worry is a mom's job, but excessive worry due to lack of trust...that's something that needs some work on before she moves out. Prepare yourself, start working on that now or else you will drive yourself crazy.

I am in a way, one worry at a time. I process one, then another one crops up. I am very worried about her going out on her own. I am very worried about her attempting college again (she took a medical withdrawal last fall since she was in the hospital 29 days). I think it's all going to happen this fall, college and moving, but I'm not sure she's ready for either. She has a habit of overbooking herself and when she struggles she won't ask for help. I'd feel better about it if her depression was in remission.

I really want her to get out on her own and be independent, I just want her to be safe doing it.

Maybe you could go with her to help her sign up for her courses. Maybe talk to a school counselor prior to going tag team her through school Is the school local? Would be easier to keep an eye on her if she was still at home while going to school. What does she want to major in? Hey! Why don't you take your classes with her be roommates LOL Wouldn't she love that LOL?
At 18 that would be the last thing you would want.

LOL. Yeah she wouldn't be happy to have me as a roommate. It is a local school and she could commute easily and I hope that's what she does. Not only for safety reasons, but also to avoid loans. I have enough money saved up for her tuition, but if she gets an apartment she'd either have to work or take out a loan, and her anxiety is preventing her from even trying to get a job. She's planning on going for Computer Science, and I think that's a great fit for her. She went to a different college last year, but it was a small campus and is very heavy on adult learners. The college she's planning on going to this year, a lot of her friends are going to. I was hoping she would go to this one last year. Her Dad drives by the college on the way to work, and the one she went to last year, is in the building next to where I work, so commuting is not a problem for either.

Well that's great she will be close by. Maybe with a little help with course load she will be fine with it this year. I hope so and I hope she finds something she is truly interested in. It's hard at that age to decide what you want to spend the rest of your life doing.

I can not express how how much all your stories not just break my heart but leave such an impact on me. It makes sense to me why those that suffered didn't leave a note. They were exhausted. They already felt they had said too much. This is purely my guess. Bless your hearts.

We talked a little yesterday about college and it sounds like she is planning on commuting at least the first year. I am so glad to hear that. Not out of control, I don't want to control her. I just want her to be safe and I'm not sure she would be safe at that point. She's been through so much and I want her to succeed. That and she'd have to take out a loan if she moved to the city the college is in. I want to help her avoid debt as much as possible.

That sounds great!!!!

My second husband left notes to me and his family. It ended up tearing everybody apart. But honestly I didn't care at the time as I was manic. It was strange.

Sorry, yes I can see where it could be a good or bad thing to get a note. For me I think it would have been neither, just closure.

reb569,

I am glad your daughter is commuting her first year. I was going to recommend she go to a college close by. College away from home is so scary to a lot of freshmen and its much better if your child is already struggling that she take the least stressful path. You may want to suggest that she consider going easy with how many classes she takes that first year too, the best way to go about it is low stress approach.

Just out of curiosity, is your daughter on any birth control? Sometimes at the ages you have described her being it can have a lot to do with hormone levels.

Trace, when I was experiencing PTSD so badly and experienced suicidal impulses? I did not think of leaving a note. It got really bad for me, almost did not make it through it, and I was so bad I never thought about leaving a note. That never meant I did not love or care about others at all. I was in so much pain all I wanted was that pain to end.

I don't see it as a selfish act, not when it's that bad. I can see now that it would have hurt others badly and I am so glad I did not give in and it sure was hard to fight it.

One thing that saved me was coming across someone who told me how it comes in waves and to pay attention because that extreme impulse comes on crests and then dissipates. So, because I did notice that, I was able to fight through it and I fought like that just about every day for almost a year. I was also lucky that I finally found a therapist that helped me do just that.

I have suggested going part time or at least doing just the minimum, but she kind of discounted that. I am hoping that I can get her therapist to work with her on that.

She isn't on BCP's. Her MD was very thorough in her testing and examinations and I had asked her about this. She didn't think there was a correlation here for my daughter.

I didn't say it was selfish, did I? It would have just provided closure for me, that's all and he did try to leave a message on my answering machine so he did want me to have that closure.

I was addressing one of the responses people in general have of it being selfish not only to takes one's own life but to not leave a note. I think this was a good topic to bring up because I had not realized the percentage was so high of cases where there was no note.