New here. Both spouse and I have CPTSD.

My husband and I both suffered emotional and physical abuse as kids. I was sexually abused by a kid my own age in middle school. I've been in bad relationship after bad relationship. More than one has been abusive.

My husband was physically and verbally abused by his stepmom growing up. Verbally abused by his dad, who drank a lot. He would go to work as a teenager to just get out of the house and get away. He struggles with addiction to alcohol. In the past, he used harder drugs, such as speed. He got accepted into the Marine Corps at 19, but only went through basic and didn't graduate. His parents gave him so much crap for it. He always has these feelings of inadequacy, even though I think he's just wonderful and I tell him that.

Late last year, he had been working out of state for months. The distance put a strain on us that we didn't see coming. He did some things that I wasn't happy about, like drinking and spending a little too much money that we didn't have. He got used to being by himself again and I was at home with the kids. I reached out to my in-laws for help because he had always told me how well they had patched things up. Old issues and triggers came out and he snapped. He told me he wanted a divorce and was staying in that location. A few days later, he agreed to work on things.

About 3 weeks later, he got sick from a work-related hazard. He hadn't eaten or slept properly for days. He started driving home and began hallucinating. My dad and I had to drive out 6 hours to get him and bring him home. I thought him being home would help us work on things, but it still didn't get much better, he kept fighting with his parents. They flew here (they live overseas, stepmom's country of origin, moved there when he was 20) to visit and the fighting continued. It strained our marriage, too. I then realized I needed to take a BIG step back from my parents and the in-laws, as they were only making things worse. I could NOT work on my marriage with them in the middle and I wanted to fight for my marriage.

He left again for another out of town job, this time it was only a 2 1/2 hour drive. We now live in that city. Things are slowly getting better. He said for a while, he felt like he didn't have a say or a voice. That my mom controlled everything or just had too much say. Same with his parents. And they did cross boundaries. Us moving really seems to have helped with establishing boundaries with my parents. We're doing better, but there's a whole lot of improvement to be done. Before the distance, we were close. We fought sometimes, but we were best friends and I miss that so much.

There is very affordable counseling in our area. He's not willing to seek any at this time, even though he knows what the problem is, I haven't yet, but I plan to. In the meantime, I've bought Pete Walker's book and have just started it. Even though we both have the same issue and we both have anxiety, it manifests differently in each of us. He withdraws, but I tend to want to cling. I've learned recently how to find my own things to do and have gotten back to my art and I have taken up sewing.

This morning, even though he had planned to sleep in and then he and I had talked about the 4 of us going on an outdoor outing. Something told me that I knew it wasn't going to happen. Sure enough, our son came into our room and started waking everyone up, even though I've told him that it needs to stop. He usually goes and plays while we sleep a little more. I get up about 30 minutes later and give them breakfast. Usually about 8:30.

Our son would NOT stop bothering his sister who was in bed with us, jumping on the bed, being loud. My husband got up and promptly got his jeans on. He was clearly triggered somehow and he was angry. He was short with me. He said he was going to work then to the YMCA to swim. He hugged and kissed us and left. I didn't say much because I'm not surprised. When I went back in the bedroom, he had flipped the mattress up. Real mature. Not that I have room to talk, but it still pissed me off. I'm sure we'll talk later this evening and he'll apologize, but right now, I'm still mad. I won't let it ruin my day. The kids are playing, I'm about to shower and start sewing, so it's not all too bad. Just another day in the life.

well that's a tough morning. That's a lot of anger to deal with. My husband behaved similarly. I was afraid to not be there for him, because I was afraid he'd leave me, or that something bad would happen to him. Plus, I wanted my family to stay together. Friends told me to leave him. I felt so responsible for his feelings. Eventually I didn't care if he left me, and I started making healthy choices whether he participated or not. I guess your husband left this morning instead of continuing his angry outburst at home. It hurts and it's disappointing, and you have every right to be angry..yet you know his struggle. He can blame everyone else in your house for what happened, but only he can learn to manage his triggers and learn coping skills.
Things have improved greatly in my situation, but it still takes work. 15 years of marriage, and I feel like we're problem solving at a first year of marriage level.
I hope your day improves, and I hope you don't mind my input.

Thank you SO much. I got into my sewing today and did some reading. Just me and the kids. So how did you work through it? Improvement is very much what I want.

I'm glad you still enjoyed your day. I'm sorry you missed your outing, but hopefully you'll get out there soon.
Getting educated about PTSD helped. we also cut out influence from unhealthy parents, and other problem relationships. Marriage counseling was helpful in ways, but so tense and always triggered us. We didn't finish it, but I go on my own to counseling. I enjoyed a PTSD group I participated in, but it was so difficult for me, too.
We began figuring out/admitting which of our beliefs/behaviors were over the top, harmful, or about our childhoods. Then, we learned new coping skills. It was trial and error.
My husband and I both noticed how our behavior intensified when our children became the ages we were when we were abused. We had to work harder to stay balanced.
It helps that my husband and I have very similar values. And we both want to be mentally and emotionally healthy. But still! It can get so difficult with the cptsd.

It really can! From what you're saying, it sounds like he and I are on the right track. Marriage counseling didn't help us either. It made things worse! Our counselor was our pastor and not licensed.

for us, it's been a roller coaster!
Our rule is not to burden our kids with our baggage. We can't use them to act out our traumas. We often have to remind each other to take a break.
The kids definitely inspire us, though.

I definitely want to be the mom that I didn't have.

I hear that!