Venting, feeling uneasy

My husband has cptsd, too. He's always had an anger issue. He's always had addiction issues. He can be mean, obnoxious, very unreasonable, and scary. It's difficult, because when he is triggered, I feel like a hostage negotiator. When I am displeased with his acting out, and try to enforce boundaries, sometimes he acts in a way that makes me hate him...like just now.

truly, I am sending a reasonable message to him, but it's about his unreasonable triggered behavior, which makes me unreasonable to think that he will listen and care, and be able to control himself. I can't excuse his behavior, and he doesn't like that. It all escalates. Eventually, I told him I'm done with him if he acts like this. I told him I don't care anymore. It's not true that I don't care, it's true that I don't care to fall for his manipulation. But that didn't come out clearly in the moment. I'm done having to be submissive to triggered behavior.

Still though..somewhere in me I'm blaming myself. Thinking I must've done something wrong for it to have turned out like it just did.

It's hard to know what to think about it. I feel torn, and sad. I can only hope that he'll take ownership, and choose to get back on the path.

Everything you have said and described I can relate to and understand. My husband has issues much like you describe and I'm tired of morphing myself into a fixer to make it ok when he errupts. I'm so sorry that you are in that place.

I hope I can figure out what's right to do. Ive come along way from how I used to be. I don't fall for as much bs, or get pulled into the traps as much. I guess right now, his words are getting to me. Called me a hypocrite. Told me I'm wrong about his behavior.
I need his love and support, and I want to give him mine, yet we have problems so often it's a wash. His anger is close to a deal breaker. It's sad to admit that, and I just hope he doesn't let it destroy us.

I'm sorry you can relate to my post. But thank you for helping me not feel so alone

Me too. I feel like I've come a long way from where I was. It's still hard and I understand. I so want his support and his arm to lean on. What I'm learning though is that I can be strong for myself. Those are words that I'm learning. I'm pretty shaky right now but I pray that I get stronger. I pray that you do too!!

Yes, we will get stronger...or rather use our strength differently.

I agree!! We can use our strength to help us and not pacify or codependent others. We can be strong for us to go forward!

So sorry you are having to go through this. Do you think he would agree to a couples counseling? It must be very draining to be on egg shells not knowing when the next time is coming. Honestly that's no way to live. Look for options and have them ready if you ever need them. Have things together that are important to you, paperwork, some money, ready in a get away bag. Kind of like an emergency evacuation kit. Something we all should have. Have our important papers, some cash, glasses, ID, SS card maybe. Like the EEK you may never need it, but it would be ready if you did need to get out quick.
I hope he will get back on path and you two can live happily together, I really do. But right now it sounds a lot like a toxic relationship, take care of you.

husband apologized this morning, admitted he was exhausted and lost control. He's recently stopped smoking marijuana, which he was lately heavily using to escape emotions, and sedate himself. Now, all his avoided stuff has been making its way out. Being sober, his anger can now have a chance to be dealt with in a healthy way. He knows it's not our family causing him anger...he knows it's his past, his insecurity, his recent disowning of his father, and a couple strained relationships that remain from his original family. When he acts out, it's unattractive and unacceptable. Plus, he is a big guy, and looks scary with his posture and evil eyes. In those moments, his goal is to intimidate and dominate..control. I spent over a decade kissing his butt while trying to solve our dysfunction. There has been much progress, but when the triggered anger shows up, it seems like all is lost.

Now it can be plainly said that we were modeled dysfunctional, dangerous relationships by our parents, and we were parented abusively (and lovingly sometimes, so confusing). our parents were very abused by their parents. And so on. Obviously we are trying to break the cycle.

i would never never tolerate now what I tolerated years ago. Now, I won't tolerate any level of someone putting their baggage on me or the kids.

Thank you, trace14. He will do counseling again. I was thinking about that last night and I could make the call. I am emotionally prepared to leave now. Before I believed it was impossible and not okay to do. I believe he will stay on the path, but most importantly..I will stay on the path with or without him. I strive to ensure we are all as healthy as possible in the meantime.

He can quickly revert to his toxic ways. Although I do believe he has made fundamental belief and perception changes. He needs to commit to a strategy for stress management. And he needs to appropriately voice his requests before he gets overwhelmed..not after.

I put this out here to hear back from others, and I am very thankful for your input. Writing this right now, I am believing in myself even more.

I'm very proud of you, you have grown and become a very wise woman All things we have that we care about require work. Relationships, kids, vehicles, homes, our yards...but it's all worth it. But somethings, other than kids, you may have just let go to protect yourself and the kids. But it sounds like you and your husband have come to some realizations of the harm that this type of environment can be on everyone. Very proud of you both and your resolve to work this out!

Thank you being a mother is utmost important work for me. My children inspired real love inside of me. Without them, I would not have known what it felt like. Ive worked to keep this family together. If I hadn't, looking back, the people I would have turned to would have led to far greater harm to my children. I shudder to think about it. So that gives me some relief that I must've been making somewhat of a conscientious choice. onward and upward is the only way I want to go, and I am thankful for every healthy step.

You sound like a wonderful mom, and that's not an easy task. Probably the hardest job you will ever have, so congrats to you on that! Keep up the good work, it will be worth it in the end.