[Trace14]

Have you ever gone through a period that you are so angry inside that you don't want to see people, talk to people, or deal with people in anyway? And if you do you snap viciously at them? The only thing I can think of is trust issues. When people break your trust, and it profoundly affects you, then you don't want to deal with people anymore.

[elevatedsoul]

yes

it takes everything i have not to take it out on everyone, to remain calm collected and gentlemen...

because i am a sweet southern country boy that is not the type to jump on people for no reason... i internalize all my anger...

ouch, it hurts...

[Raindropvampire]

Yes go through those periods from time to time.

[leomama]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Have you ever gone through a period that you are so angry inside that you don't want to see people, talk to people, or deal with people in anyway? And if you do you snap viciously at them? The only thing I can think of is trust issues. When people break your trust, and it profoundly affects you, then you don't want to deal with people anymore.

Yeah but it's not just trust issues for me, it's far more complex, and since I work full time in a people focused job I have to leave all that at the door. It does get complicated when somebody at work treats me in a way I don't agree with. Then I have to fight bad feelings real hard.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Yes go through those periods from time to time.

How long does it seem to last and what do you do for it? This whole month has been horrible and now I'm getting anxious about the July 4th fireworks. Sounds like guns, last year I walked around with ear plugs and ear muffs, but then I was paranoid that I wouldn't hear someone break in to the house.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

yes

it takes everything i have not to take it out on everyone, to remain calm collected and gentlemen...

because i am a sweet southern country boy that is not the type to jump on people for no reason... i internalize all my anger...

ouch, it hurts...

That doesn't sound healthy, are you seeing a therapist? I used to do that but now I'm letting it out and it ticking people off and hurting their feelings. Can't win.

[elevatedsoul]

i was seeing a therapist for like a year... but she couldn't help me, she terminated

she said i could come back, but i dont see what the point is if she cant help me;
she was getting frustrated with me...

i would go in, talk... she would say something and it wouldnt do any good... and it was like we were not getting ANYWHERE

i make more progress talking to friends... i liked her a lot but i guess it just wasnt a good process for me... i think it made things worse...

now they are trying to get me to see a new therapist and i just want to take a break for a while... so i dunno what to do...

kind of tired of talking about stuff... repeating myself... going through the past...
not getting anywhere... keep opening old wounds up... not healing... making things worse...

i guess i bottle things up, but its like anger is forbidden to me... there was a lot of violence in my childhood growing up... there still is alot of violence around me today, its ******** violence but none the less its there - triggering me

when it comes up i just feel like there is a cap put on me.. my mouth becomes sown shut... im unable to speak but my inner voice goes crazy... talking to me, telling me things, yelling at me... saying to say this and that and im talking back saying i cant... trying to ratioinalize with the inner voice that wants to explode...

its like having multiple versions of myself that i have to fight with... fighting for control... and i will black out and have had the angry version of myself take over and i dont remember what happens when that happens besides the end of it when i start waking up and coming back to and be cursing someone out or throwing something or breaking stuff or something extremely out of character...

anger is forbidden to me... its locked away, deep inside... its a sepperate entity all together and does what it wants to do when it comes out... without my consent...

[Raindropvampire]

Originally Posted by Trace14

How long does it seem to last and what do you do for it? This whole month has been horrible and now I'm getting anxious about the July 4th fireworks. Sounds like guns, last year I walked around with ear plugs and ear muffs, but then I was paranoid that I wouldn't hear someone break in to the house.

Mine tends to run it's course in about (shortest) 2 days -3 weeks. With the average being about 10 days. I have a pillow I beat the stuffing out of and I try to remind myself that this is my damage not the other person's. Before I speak I count to five and remind myself to be nice. And I'm honest. I tell people "look I can't deal with anything right now. I'm having major rage issues and it would not be fair to continue to talk to you." I also got one of those bop'em clowns. You hit it and it bounces back up and you hit it again.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by elevatedsoul

i was seeing a therapist for like a year... but she couldn't help me, she terminated

she said i could come back, but i dont see what the point is if she cant help me;
she was getting frustrated with me...

i would go in, talk... she would say something and it wouldnt do any good... and it was like we were not getting ANYWHERE

i make more progress talking to friends... i liked her a lot but i guess it just wasnt a good process for me... i think it made things worse...

now they are trying to get me to see a new therapist and i just want to take a break for a while... so i dunno what to do...

kind of tired of talking about stuff... repeating myself... going through the past...
not getting anywhere... keep opening old wounds up... not healing... making things worse...

i guess i bottle things up, but its like anger is forbidden to me... there was a lot of violence in my childhood growing up... there still is alot of violence around me today, its ******** violence but none the less its there - triggering me

when it comes up i just feel like there is a cap put on me.. my mouth becomes sown shut... im unable to speak but my inner voice goes crazy... talking to me, telling me things, yelling at me... saying to say this and that and im talking back saying i cant... trying to ratioinalize with the inner voice that wants to explode...

its like having multiple versions of myself that i have to fight with... fighting for control... and i will black out and have had the angry version of myself take over and i dont remember what happens when that happens besides the end of it when i start waking up and coming back to and be cursing someone out or throwing something or breaking stuff or something extremely out of character...

anger is forbidden to me... its locked away, deep inside... its a sepperate entity all together and does what it wants to do when it comes out... without my consent...

You really need help with this. I hear what your saying and some of it resonates with me and from what I've learned. I do PE therapy , where we go over traumatic events over and over and kind of desensitize my emotions about it. It's hard, and even makes things worse but that's part of the process to healing. It's not easy and not suppose to be. What we are dealing with are traumas, not casual incidents. You really need to keep working with the T and understand this, you have to work through trauma, not around it. Otherwise you are wasting your time. I've wanted to give up several times but have made myself stay no matter how uncomfortable it is. I listen to the T and pretty much do what she asks, there's a lot of homework with this type of therapy. I hate it, but I want to feel better, so I do it.

I think a person has to be ready for therapy too. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, and really work at it, then the therapy is not going to help. Some think that just showing up at the T's office and her waving a magic wand is going to change things, it's not. Actually they are not there to heal you. They help you work through the problems and give you tools to manage them. I learned this the hard way. Because I thought the just going to the T would heal me, and the T said I wasn't ready for therapy and I didn't have a clue what she meant because this was my first therapy experience. So that was a hard lesson learned. It made me mad and I thought I would never go back to another therapist. If she had explained it to me it would have been easier, but she didn't and I think it was for the best to look for another T.
I'm sharing this because I think you and I were a little alike in some of these therapy situations. I can not stress enough that you need to get a T to help you work thru this. You may be able to do it on your on but it doesn't seem to be working out to well for you. Plus a therapist will speed up the process, though it still may take a long time to work through all the traumas.
A young Southern gentleman deserves to feel better Healing takes time, be patient with it and work hard to reach that goal.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Raindropvampire

Mine tends to run it's course in about (shortest) 2 days -3 weeks. With the average being about 10 days. I have a pillow I beat the stuffing out of and I try to remind myself that this is my damage not the other person's. Before I speak I count to five and remind myself to be nice. And I'm honest. I tell people "look I can't deal with anything right now. I'm having major rage issues and it would not be fair to continue to talk to you." I also got one of those bop'em clowns. You hit it and it bounces back up and you hit it again.

Lawd I haven't seen one of those bopping clowns in years
I don't have a physical violence tendency, not yet and I think that's why I isolate so much because I don't want to find out. I don't usually have rage issues, but then again I do bottle it up and like anything you can only keep it in so long. It's just easier to isolate, but then when I get around idiots ....ugggggg..they really flip my switch.I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed but my gosh some people........

[Raindropvampire]

I work thirds at a gas station I deal with "some" people all the time. I understand the frustration and stress it causes. And if you're already in a pissy mood well then all the harder to not let them have it.

I repeat over and over at work: Water off a duck's ***. because it reminds me to just let the ignorance and stupidity roll right off me and that I can shake it off.

[Open Eyes]

There is definitely a lot of anger that comes out when struggling with PTSD, especially when it comes to complex ptsd. I think this is also connected to some childhood emotional neglect and for some having to live with parents who had their own issues and were not really responsible adults.

It's hard to experience one's childhood through ptsd and see some things years later where you KNOW things you lived through were wrong and even seeing some neglect you suffered. I think that when someone is struggling with pstd, they become very awar of the things that end up causing life long hurts too.

When you find yourself getting angry to the bone as you call it, you need to step back and write it down because it's connected to something in yourself that was traumatic in some way.

[Teddy Bear]

I was so angry I hit a brick wall but I still wanted to talk to the people who made me angry.

[Fuzzybear]

Too many people suck and are mean spirited. I wish some of the "losers" in this world thought before they lash out and hurt people. But of course there are those "superior freaks" who get their kicks from hurting others. They make me ****kng furious

((((( Trace ))))))

(Not about anyone here)

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

There is definitely a lot of anger that comes out when struggling with PTSD, especially when it comes to complex ptsd. I think this is also connected to some childhood emotional neglect and for some having to live with parents who had their own issues and were not really responsible adults.

It's hard to experience one's childhood through ptsd and see some things years later where you KNOW things you lived through were wrong and even seeing some neglect you suffered. I think that when someone is struggling with pstd, they become very awar of the things that end up causing life long hurts too.

When you find yourself getting angry to the bone as you call it, you need to step back and write it down because it's connected to something in yourself that was traumatic in some way.

What do I do with it once I write it down? How would you connect those dots?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Teddy Bear

I was so angry I hit a brick wall but I still wanted to talk to the people who made me angry.

I'm a little confused, you hit the brick wall with your hand? Because you were mad at some people? and you still wanted to talk to the people you were mad at? Socially or to express your anger?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Too many people suck and are mean spirited. I wish some of the "losers" in this world thought before they lash out and hurt people. But of course there are those "superior freaks" who get their kicks from hurting others. They make me ****kng furious

((((( Trace ))))))

(Not about anyone here)

Well I verbally lashed out at the HOA president and that's not me. But I did that because she had used me, disrespected the time and effort I had put into a project, and violated my trust. I'm only human and can only take so much before I blow. Not only did they disrespect me but thought it was funny.
She knows that I'm going through right now, not that I expect people to react to me differently , but the stress I'm already under she could have handled the situation differently. She was acting like a bully and I had had enough.
I was already angry with the World and this didn't help.

[Fuzzybear]

She sounds like a complete b1tch
I wish I could eat her for you
And all the other bullies in this world who think they are so ****kng smart and funny

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

She sounds like a complete b1tch
I wish I could eat her for you
And all the other bullies in this world who think they are so ****kng smart and funny

Thanks Fuzzy but she got my drift on how I felt about it and I truly believe karma will find her eventually.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Thanks Fuzzy but she got my drift on how I felt about it and I truly believe karma will find her eventually.

May it be that karma gets those who deserve it ...

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

May it be that karma gets those who deserve it ...

YES!!!!!

[SaharaSon]

Originally Posted by Trace14

You really need help with this. I hear what your saying and some of it resonates with me and from what I've learned. I do PE therapy , where we go over traumatic events over and over and kind of desensitize my emotions about it. It's hard, and even makes things worse but that's part of the process to healing. It's not easy and not suppose to be. What we are dealing with are traumas, not casual incidents. You really need to keep working with the T and understand this, you have to work through trauma, not around it. Otherwise you are wasting your time. I've wanted to give up several times but have made myself stay no matter how uncomfortable it is. I listen to the T and pretty much do what she asks, there's a lot of homework with this type of therapy. I hate it, but I want to feel better, so I do it.

I think a person has to be ready for therapy too. If you are not willing to put in the time and effort, and really work at it, then the therapy is not going to help. Some think that just showing up at the T's office and her waving a magic wand is going to change things, it's not. Actually they are not there to heal you. They help you work through the problems and give you tools to manage them. I learned this the hard way. Because I thought the just going to the T would heal me, and the T said I wasn't ready for therapy and I didn't have a clue what she meant because this was my first therapy experience. So that was a hard lesson learned. It made me mad and I thought I would never go back to another therapist. If she had explained it to me it would have been easier, but she didn't and I think it was for the best to look for another T.
I'm sharing this because I think you and I were a little alike in some of these therapy situations. I can not stress enough that you need to get a T to help you work thru this. You may be able to do it on your on but it doesn't seem to be working out to well for you. Plus a therapist will speed up the process, though it still may take a long time to work through all the traumas.
A young Southern gentleman deserves to feel better Healing takes time, be patient with it and work hard to reach that goal.

Trace, I just wanted to say that I may have been going through PE therapy without even knowing it. It seems like the more trauma I go through, the less impactful the next one is. As you said I think I am becoming more desensitized to each successive trauma. As an example, my mom passed away a couple of weeks ago. I have been through quite a few trauma events in my life, my brother on the other hand hasn't been through nearly as much. He took my mom's passing much, much harder than I did. He, in fact, had to go into therapy for that one thing. Also, although, I can assure you, I do not have a death wish, I am not nearly so afraid of dying as is my brother. I have come to expect, and accept, it, and I don't even think about it. I think he doesn't expect it, but thinks about it too much. I think repetative exposure to trauma has a lot to do with it. No doubt faith has alot to do with it, as well. I am a true believer, he is not. Shalom.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by SaharaSon

Trace, I just wanted to say that I may have been going through PE therapy without even knowing it. It seems like the more trauma I go through, the less impactful the next one is. As you said I think I am becoming more desensitized to each successive trauma. As an example, my mom passed away a couple of weeks ago. I have been through quite a few trauma events in my life, my brother on the other hand hasn't been through nearly as much. He took my mom's passing much, much harder than I did. He, in fact, had to go into therapy for that one thing. Also, although, I can assure you, I do not have a death wish, I am not nearly so afraid of dying as is my brother. I have come to expect, and accept, it, and I don't even think about it. I think he doesn't expect it, but thinks about it too much. I think repetitive exposure to trauma has a lot to do with it. No doubt faith has a lot to do with it, as well. I am a true believer, he is not. Shalom.

I agree that we can got through our own PE therapy but I would suggest doing it alone. Just because with CPTSD you may pull up another trauma it it could be overwhelming.You are an exception to the rule with your strong faith and will. I think PE therapy is something people should look into but know it's very hard, lots of homework and have some one guiding you through the process. For me some parts have gotten better some worse, but that's how healing goes. Have to keep peeling away those onion skins until you expose the core.
I don't fear death, in fact I welcome it. Though I'm not wanting to take my own life. But if it happens it happens.
Glad you are back in the CPTSD forum, you were missed.

[Unrigged64072835]

I think there was one time I felt that angry. I'm not going into that circumstance here, because I would rather talk about it with my therapist than online.

[SaharaSon]

Originally Posted by Trace14

I agree that we can got through our own PE therapy but I would suggest doing it alone. Just because with CPTSD you may pull up another trauma it it could be overwhelming.You are an exception to the rule with your strong faith and will. I think PE therapy is something people should look into but know it's very hard, lots of homework and have some one guiding you through the process. For me some parts have gotten better some worse, but that's how healing goes. Have to keep peeling away those onion skins until you expose the core.
I don't fear death, in fact I welcome it. Though I'm not wanting to take my own life. But if it happens it happens.
Glad you are back in the CPTSD forum, you were missed.

Trace, as soon as I talked about getting better with handling trauma, I got sucker punched by reality. Yesterday I had one of the worst triggered flashbacks ever. I can tell you the worst ones are the ones that you don't see coming at you. I was just chillin watching the movie "The Invasion" with Nicole Kidman and unexpectedly a person (pedestrian) gets hit by a car. The visuals and audio were very realistic and close to what happened to me. Too realistic for me. It brought me lock stock and barrel back to being run down again. It was a full body (if not out of body) experience. My whole body shook violently as if I has being hit again. I had nausea and almost passed out. I'm sure my heart skipped some beats. I had to close my eyes for awhile to regain my composure. It was quite intense.: Well I guess its back to the drawing board. Shalom.