I have Complex PTSD.

It's a result of growing up and living in domestic violence and abuse for 33.5 years.

I'm often discouraged about how slow the recovery process is and has been.

I wonder if it's even possible.

Gotta keep trying, though ... Failure is not an option!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

I have Complex PTSD.

It's a result of growing up and living in domestic violence and abuse for 33.5 years.

I'm often discouraged about how slow the recovery process is and has been.

I wonder if it's even possible.

Gotta keep trying, though ... Failure is not an option!

Sorry you have this...but welcome to the forum. I'm glad you are here with us. It is sooooo discouraging on how long healing takes but not surprising either. Look at the amount of time spent in trauma situations, that is something that will take time to work through. Be patient with yourself.

[Fuzzybear]

Welcome Pflower

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

I think many here can relate to this and your frustration of how long the healing process. Kati Morton.com has a quote "It's a process, not perfection" and that so relates to CPTSD healing. Any therapy is hard work. Harder than most, including myself, ever thought it would be. Keep moving forward, inch by inch, understand the set backs and get back on track.

I had written this at PC previously while under another username ...

Here is another version of it with a picture of a creaky, old abandoned house to go along with it ...



I often pfeel like a creaky, old abandoned house as well ... So I pfound it to be quite pfitting!



*If you pfind it difficult to read, clicking on the picture will bring up a larger more legible image.

Needless to say, I've come to realize that folks who have good family connections and support systems are some of the luckiest effers on the face of the earth ... For those of us that don't have those things? ... Well, we're just plain effed!

This is based on a lengthy illness last month and nary a soul being there for me when it counted ... Those numbers are now no longer in my phone ... I don't have time for the insincerity and lame excuses of the "Call If You Need Anything" crowd that doesn't really mean it when they say it!

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Pflower

Needless to say, I've come to realize that folks who have good family connections and support systems are some of the luckiest effers on the face of the earth ... For those of us that don't have those things? ... Well, we're just plain effed!

This is based on a lengthy illness last month and nary a soul being there for me when it counted ... Those numbers are now no longer in my phone ... I don't have time for the insincerity and lame excuses of the "Call If You Need Anything" crowd that doesn't really mean it when they say it!

OMG - my dad says that all the time. Exactly those words. It means "Don't call me, but I'll still feel good about myself because I offered."

I empathize with what you said here. My wife left me for another man just about a year ago, and my brother hasn't even sent me a text. My dad never asked about it. Going through it all alone. The other thing I've experienced is that cPTSD is not consistent with having good friends (that pesky trust and self-image thing). I have forced myself to form one male friendship, and that has really helped more than I could have imagined.

Now that I'm feeling better and am seeing things in a more realistic manner ...

It wasn't so much others not being able to be there for me as it was me abandoning my own self and not being there for me.

Pete Walker calls this The Abandonment Depression & Abandonment Melange:



Pete Walker, M.A. Psychotherapy

What Is The Abandonment Depression?
What Is The Abandonment Melange?

The Abandonment Depression is the complex painful childhood experience that is reconstituted in an emotional flashback. It is a return to the sense of overwhelm, hopelessness and helplessness that afflicts the abused and /or emotionally abandoned child. At the core of the abandonment depression is the abandonment melange – the terrible emotional mix of fear and shame that coalesces around the deathlike feelings of depression that afflict an abandoned child. Surrounding the abandonment melange of the flashback are perfectionistic and endangerment cognitions and visualizations of the toxic inner and outer critic (See my articles on the critic), and at the surface is the self-destructive enactments of the fight, flight, freeze or fawn responses (See “A Trauma Typology”).

In a typical flashback, an individual is recapitulated into the original experience of abandonment. Fear is immediately triggered and soon produces shameful feelings of self-hate. This self-hate is a self-rejection that mimics parental rejection and that is equivalent to self-abandonment. Self-abandonment in turn deepens the abandonment depression and creates an even more fearful state, which in turn generates even more shame about the fear, which triggers increasingly depressing self-abandonment. This process then becomes a self-perpetuating, perpetual motion cycle that can spiral around and around in a despairingly painful descent that at its worst culminates in feelings of panic and suicidal ideation. During particularly extreme flashbacks, more than a few of my clients have uttered things that sound like this: “Life is so hopelessly depressing, I might as well be dead. Take me now God, why don’t you!” (See Managing The Abandonment Depression” for practical guidance on how to respond therapeutically to the abandonment melange.)

Sadly, I gave up on myself after only two attempts to reach out ... In reality had I tried a couple of more times, I may have actually gotten the help I so desperately needed ... Now that I've put the brakes on my inner-critic, and ceased my outer-critic's "scorched earth policy" reaction to the situation, I am going to do my best to remember to not give up on myself so easily the next time ... To make myself reach out just one more time if the first two tries don't go in my favor ... That's my goal, and hopefully I can remember to do just that the next time this happens, but I'm hoping it's a long, long time before I'm ever that sick again!

[Parva]

I think Pete Walker is the only person talking specifically about emotional flashbacks. My ex T and I called them '90/10' reactions, where 90% of the emotional crisis was the past and 10% current. She introduced me to the concept of 'emotional flashback' (but couldn't remember where she had heard the term). We sort of defined what they are as I went through them. When I found Pete Walker's information (https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd), my experiences so directly matched what he was talking about that it was shocking. He could have been describing me.

Thanks for the link, Parva.

I think you are correct about Pete Walker being the only person talking about emotional flashbacks ... I think it may be due to the fact that he, too, is recovering from C-PTSD and, therefore, actually knows how difficult the recovery process can be ... I also liked (and agree wholeheartedly) with this particular passage from his book and website:

What may I have been misdiagnosed with?

Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. It currently resembles a large dictionary. In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders. Further confusion arises in the case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), as well as obsessive/compulsive disorder, which is sometimes more accurately described as an excessive, fixated flight response to trauma. This is also true of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and some dissociative disorders which are similarly excessive, fixated freeze responses to trauma. (See my article “A Trauma Typology”.)

This is not to say that those so diagnosed do not have issues that are similar and correlative with said disorders, but that these labels are incomplete and unnecessarily shaming descriptions of what the client is afflicted with. Calling complex PTSD “panic disorder” is like calling food allergies chronically itchy eyes; over-focusing treatment on the symptoms of panic in the former case and eye health in the latter does little to get at root causes. Feelings of panic or itchiness in the eyes can be masked with medication, but all the other associated problems that cause these symptoms will remain untreated. Moreover most of the diagnoses mentioned above imply deep innate characterological defects rather than the learned maladaptations to stress that children of trauma are forced to make– adaptations, once again that were learned and can therefore usually be extinguished and replaced with more functional adaptations to stress.

In this vein, I believe that many substance and process addictions also begin as misguided, maladaptations to parental abuse and abandonment – early adaptations that are attempts to soothe and distract from the mental and emotional pain of complex PTSD.

I've received only one misdiagnosis that I know of, and thankfully another therapist in the same clinic corrected it while stating she would never hang that particular diagnosis on a human being because of all the shameful and negative connotations that go along with it ... I've also been lucky enough to work with a handful of therapists that do understand it ... The one I'm currently seeing actually gifted me with a copy of Pete's book & has been most patient and understanding of all the particular facets C-PTSD presents while we work together, and for that I'm exceedingly thankful.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Parva

I think Pete Walker is the only person talking specifically about emotional flashbacks. My ex T and I called them '90/10' reactions, where 90% of the emotional crisis was the past and 10% current. She introduced me to the concept of 'emotional flashback' (but couldn't remember where she had heard the term). We sort of defined what they are as I went through them. When I found Pete Walker's information (https://www.psychotherapy.net/article/complex-ptsd), my experiences so directly matched what he was talking about that it was shocking. He could have been describing me.

Love Pete Walker. He IS the only one that understands us, well.....and us. It's wonderful that we have a place like this to go and talk things out. It's kind of like we are a family of understanding and support.
Love that 90/10 statement, that's so true. So glad you and the others have found your way here.

I'll be making some major life changes here within the next few months!

I usually avoid doing stuff like this as it totally 's me out!

However, things have reached a tipping point, my safety is involved, and it's time to act!

Wish Me Luck!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

I'll be making some major life changes here within the next few months!

I usually avoid doing stuff like this as it totally 's me out!

However, things have reached a tipping point, my safety is involved, and it's time to act!

Wish Me Luck!

Good luck and take care of yourself. Will you be able to keep in touch here?

Originally Posted by Trace14

Good luck and take care of yourself. Will you be able to keep in touch here?

Thanks, Trace14 ...

Yes, I'll still be in touch here.

It may be a little less frequent until all is accomplished and things settle in, but I'll definitely be here!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

Thanks, Trace14 ...

Yes, I'll still be in touch here.

It may be a little less frequent until all is accomplished and things settle in, but I'll definitely be here!

Great, keep us posted and let us know you are okay. Be careful.
Take care.

Thanks, Trace14 ... I appreciate your support!

I've drafted a plan of action and posted it on my desktop to help me remain focused, determined and resolute ...

Tiptoe If You Must, But Take That Step!

1. ITR & C1C
2. POB / Downtown Location
3. Car & Insurance
4. Address Changes / CDL & Most Important Addresses (Work/Medical/Banking/Insurance/ETC.)
5. New Digs

Take Action! ... Everything Will Work Out Accordingly! ... It Gwine Be Alright!

- You deserve to have safe reliable transportation!
- You deserve to live in a clean, safe environment!
- You deserve to give YOU & YOUR INNER CHILD a life that's free of danger, trauma & abuse!
- You have saved yourself before and You can save yourself again!
- You have a good support system in place and there are many people that love and care about you!

You've got this!

Love,
Me!

My goal is to have everything well on its way or totally accomplished by this July!

[Parva]

Originally Posted by Pflower

Thanks, Trace14 ... I appreciate your support!

I've drafted a plan of action and posted it on my desktop to help me remain focused, determined and resolute ...


My goal is to have everything well on its way or totally accomplished by this July!

Wow! Well-played! I love what you say in your draft plan, and I love that you wrote it down. I will follow your example today.

Thank you, Parva ...

I'm glad you've been inspired by that!

I get so utterly overwhelmed by my condition (C-PTSD), and by life itself sometimes, that I simply resign myself to inaction which ends up being quite a detriment to my safety and well-being ... Things do have a way of reaching a tipping point though, and when that happens I somehow find the courage, strength and initiative to do what I must in order to maintain self-preservation!

This is my wish for all of us that have been indelibly harmed by long-term trauma ... To find the will to continue being advocates and heroes to ourselves for as long as it takes ... Until all of us have achieved those elusive places of peace, safety and contentment in our lives ... I hear it's possible, therefore, I'm gonna keep on trying because we all deserve these things!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

Thanks, Trace14 ... I appreciate your support!

I've drafted a plan of action and posted it on my desktop to help me remain focused, determined and resolute ...


My goal is to have everything well on its way or totally accomplished by this July!

That's awesome. I can almost see you with some kick butt boots on ready to March yourself to a better place. What an inspiring plan of action. And yes you do deserve all these things and more

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

Thank you, Parva ...

I'm glad you've been inspired by that!

I get so utterly overwhelmed by my condition (C-PTSD), and by life itself sometimes, that I simply resign myself to inaction which ends up being quite a detriment to my safety and well-being ... Things do have a way of reaching a tipping point though, and when that happens I somehow find the courage, strength and initiative to do what I must in order to maintain self-preservation!

This is my wish for all of us that have been indelibly harmed by long-term trauma ... To find the will to continue being advocates and heroes to ourselves for as long as it takes ... Until all of us have achieved those elusive places of peace, safety and contentment in our lives ... I hear it's possible, therefore, I'm gonna keep on trying because we all deserve these things!

Wow, another positive post. You need to bottle this stuff up and pass it out That was such a sweet wish for everyone
Thank you for sharing your encouraging words with everyone.

I'm making some good progress on the two major life issues I'm working on right now ... One involves acquiring safe, reliable transportation ... The other is finding myself a safer (clean & quiet) living environment ... Things are shaping up right nicely, but I'm intentionally keeping things slow and steady so as to not overwhelm myself unnecessarily! ... I'll be checking in pfrom time to time to keep y'all posted!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Pflower

I'm making some good progress on the two major life issues I'm working on right now ... One involves acquiring safe, reliable transportation ... The other is finding myself a safer (clean & quiet) living environment ... Things are shaping up right nicely, but I'm intentionally keeping things slow and steady so as to not overwhelm myself unnecessarily! ... I'll be checking in pfrom time to time to keep y'all posted!

Sounds wonderful!!! Just realize there will be set backs, some big, some small, just refocus and push forward. very happy for you!

[Endlessfun]

I'm often discouraged about how slow the recovery process is and has been.


I often relate to that statement as a recently retired Marine Corp officer . After the IED blew us up uts has been a 3 your journey trying to heal physically and mentally
I just wish they could find a lotion or fairy fist that would relieve right now

I hear ya, Endless ...

I've been working on mine for 23+ years now, and while I can see how pfar I've come, I can also see how pfar I have to go ...

Hang In & Hang On!