How to Allow Your Boundaries to Work for You, By Dr. Henry Cloud

Good article about boundaries. I know it's an issue for me, anyone else?

How to Allow Your Boundaries to Work for You By Dr. Henry Cloud
https://drcloud.com/article/how_to_a...o_work_for_you

Have you ever heard yourself say, "Whatever possessed me to say yes to this in the first place? Why didn't I just say no?" Or, after negotiating a deal, have you ever thought, "Why didn't I ask for ___? I could kick myself!" Chances are, you're not alone, but if it happens, it poses a problem. It reveals that sometimes you and your words are not on the same page.

You desire one outcome, but your words take you to a different one.

Do you catch yourself responding to requests with, "I don't think I can _______" instead of saying, "No, I cannot do that," leaving the door open for them to push back?

When I say you have a relationship to words, that may be an idea you have never thought about. But what we find is that in the depths of people's souls – where true behavior and its resulting success or chaos originates – there is a relationship with certain words. The nature of that relationship dictates a lot of what happens in people's lives. If the relationship is good and they get along well with words, they use them to create and maintain a healthy structure and boundaries. But if they do not get along well with words, the structure and boundaries are compromised, and their lives become fragmented as a result.

So, we are going to look at the words that have to do with why you find yourself in certain situations more than you might think. We are going to examine your relationship to some key words, including how you feel about them and how free you are to use them, or not. Before we dive into looking at specific words and phrases, it's important to understand how certain words become embedded or internalized in our lives.

One would think that when you say yes or no to something, your answer is based on the merits of what you want to choose. When you want to grant a request, buy a product, agree to a price, take an assignment, or go to lunch with someone, you say yes. If not, you say no. But in reality, that is not what always happens. Sometimes you may be on autopilot and have less choice in your response than you may think.

Think about people you know or even yourself. Have you noticed that there are people who routinely find themselves in some situation they do not want to be in? Inevitably, they land in some activity, relationship, scheduling conflict, or problem they do not want. The reason is not that they failed to just say no once or twice. They basically never say no. Their choices are rarely about their relationship with the word "no" itself. They are conflicted about the word at a very deep level. They reach down there in hopes of finding "no," but it eludes them.

Or, think of the person on your team who know you cannot send to do that negotiation. When you need someone who can go into a meeting, ask for the moon, and expect to get it, this is the last person you'd call on. They just are the kind of people who never ask for what they want. For some reason, they can't pull the trigger. As a result, they rarely get out of life what they desire, and oftentimes they don't even get what they need.

They get only what comes their way and nothing more. Then you know other people who can go into a meeting, ask for the moon, and get it. You exclaim, "How did you get them to agree to that?" And they answer, "I just asked for it, and they said fine."

The difference is not that one person wants or needs the outcome any more or less than the other. In fact, often the person who needs something the most is the one who finds it more difficult to ask. The real difference is that some people have a longstanding relationship with certain words that renders saying them virtually impossible. The result of not saying those words when we need to, or saying them when we don't, is that our lives become fragmented and scattered – a far cry from the integrated life we all want.

This is interesting. I definitely struggle with boundaries.

Oh me too. I'm surprised we haven't discussed before now. It's a biggy.

I do also.

It is something my T encourages me to work on. I think it is a chicken and egg scenario for me, whether I had poor boundaries that led to difficult events for me, or whether the events caused me to develop poor boundaries.

I'm definitely a people pleaser, or reject people completely. I'm not good at saying "no" and then not carrying lots of guilt.

From being, I guess abusive, to me when I was younger, my father then fostered in me, a "parental" role, of taking care of him, being his confidant. I am sure that has led to lots of lots of confusions in me, regarding my "role" in life.

I struggle with knowing when it is ok to say yes, when I really mean no and when it might be ok to say yes, despite not really wanting to, as it will benefit someone and maybe it is ok to sometimes put ourselves out for others. To me the alternative is to be completely self serving and that does not feel comfortable either.

We may have to be in a certain place, have a certain level of strength, to really push and support boundaries. Right now it just easier to roll with the flow. Ya know?

That would be confusing for a child and lead to complications as an adult. But at least you can look at it now and see where the kinks in life are and find some way to address them. I think some of the scariest parts have been the not knowing why I felt this way. I don feel some better but there still is the work to do. Finding those stuck points and working on breaking them down, taking their power away.

Agreed. I'm better about it than I used to be. When I was younger I think I was kind of a people pleaser in a way. I really didn't voice my opinion that well, kind of went with the flow. The Air Force helped me find my voice some, but not completely.

It's not a huge issue for me anymore, mainly because I tend to self-isolate except for family and work. I really don't have any friends that I do things with, so it really doesn't come up that much for me anymore.

When I was younger I was more of a people pleaser and quiet and passive, Wanting to say No but I would end up saying Yes, Now that I am older I isolate more and stay to myself, I have a few people in my life that are close to me and that is all I want, I dont really like people, So I am not out to win a popularity contest, My problem now is when some one gets me angry, I dont hold back my feelings, I go into a Rage, I am not a people pleaser or push over any more, I think I just went threw to much abuse threw all these years it changed me

I hate my anger actually, I probably need anger management, But its getting better, I have learned a few coping skills so it does not go to far

Agree, anger in my opinion, is a waste of energy and time. Giving that other person that power is not healthy for us. Something we all can work on to let that anger go. It's okay to get angry but not hold on to it. I think it's wonderful that we can be honest with ourselves about things we need to work on our self. So many times I hear people blaming others completely for a situations , but sometimes (not all the time) there's something we need to work on in the situation. To identify the reason behind our emotion and belief. That's something I have gained from the CPT group.