Do you fear attachment with your therapist?

If you do, do you think that hinders the therapeutic relationship that they say is important? Hampers your therapy sessions?

If not, how do you keep from getting attached? I've heard it's a normal process.

No. I don't really like new T. I don't think I will have to worry about getting attached to her.

I fear it a lot. At the same time, if I get somewhat attached, it's okay. I can't tell you where those certain points meet or anything. I know when I begin to feel myself drift over to being too attached, I pull back and have a few "light" sessions where I deflect and joke for an hour. This probably hinders my therapy a bit but it's a habit I wouldn't want to break. Recently, it didn't help that I was convinced my T (amongst others) was an impostor. I'm more convinced that it doesn't matter than anything else right now. I still don't want to go back to therapy, but that's a whole different can of worms.

In clients with complex trauma I think that IS the expected course of therapy.

I know what you are saying. Some are easy to see that happening, some not so much

I'm too afraid I can't control my emotions and get too attached to the T, then get dropped

What is the expected course of therapy?

Don’t fear it. Embrace it. I’ve been with my therapist for 12 years and without the attachment healing would not be possible.

I struggle with this one.

I fear attachment, but think that is because I experience insecure attachment.

I think the whole attachment thing has been the worse part of therapy for me, as I find it so confusing.

On the one hand, I assume attachment is a normal thing. Without it, no one would grieve when they suffered bereavement in life, no one would commit in a long term relationship. People wouldn't wouldn't feel anything if a partner left them, etc.

But when it comes to therapy, I have no idea what Iam supposed to feel about someone who I spend an intense hour a week with over many years. I'm supposed to contain "my stuff" to that hour per week and not feel anything about the prospect of stopping seeing them. Or maybe I am supposed to feel something, but be able to contain these feelings without feeling overwhelmed.

I think it has something to do with object permanence and maybe feeling secure in oneself and not need someone else to feel that security in life.

But haven't quite got there yet, in sorting it all out for myself. My response is generally avoidance and a "I don't need anyone" position, which I guess I have learned, protects me.

I don't see how I could have explored some of the things I have talked about with T, without feeling a little attached, but can't say it has felt comfortable feeling that way.

I have not feared attachment as much as I'd feared uncovering/sharing trauma material. I've worked with this therapist for many years now. It took 15 or so years for me to fully open up. We'd bonded over non-traumatic material first.

I do understand why people fear attachment. There are lots of reasons for this.


WC

It's the slippery slope for sure and I think it can happen without knowing until that separation event happens. Some T's are less likable, some are too sweet, some are clueless and make you wonder how they found their way to work. But when you find that one that fits just right it would be easy to attach. I guess it's just something we have to be mindful about.

Yes, I am scared of being attached.

I end up being mean and delaying sessions... I was extremely mean last time but he didn't say anything, he didn't push me as he usually does. Uhm!... Now I am sorry lol. It is true I was very irritable but now prazosin helps to don't startle that much and therefore I don't have a so extreme fight response anymore.

I guess now I can see him... And maybe I am less afraid. I will see him in two weeks.

Trace, I think it is absolutely essential to work with a therapist who has extensive training and experience in developmental/attachment trauma. The course of therapy can be intense and volatile and requires a therapist who understands the ride and can monitor and weather the attachment/detachment cycles. It really requires a highly trained and skilled therapist who has a solid understanding of attachment trauma.
A therapist who has little understanding or skill in this area is going to be in way over their head and cause damage instead of healing.

How would you find someone with those types of credentials? Just finding one that is very well versed in trauma is like finding a needle in the haystack. Most list trauma as a specialty but once you get a couple sessions in you can tell they are clueless as to what you are talking about. But then some right off the bat you know they know what they are talking about and can help.

Therapy is very complicated, or complex.

How this topic got started was after watching a Kati Morton video about attachment to therapist. That would terrify me to get so attached to a therapist, as I have seen people do, that it caused a meltdown when sessions were over. I'm wondering if this is slowing my sessions down by having such strong boundaries with the T.

Thanks for the feedback.

I've got attached to Counsellors in the past and it made it very painful when the counselling came to an end.

Have now been seeing a Clinical Psychologist since June and don't feel attached to her at all (even though she says that attachment to the therapist is a necessary part of the therapy I'm doing). I would say I don't really feel anything. She's nice enough and seems to know her stuff, but it wouldn't bother me if I never saw her again.
Am wondering if I've deliberately put up a barrier against becoming attached because it's just too painful.

Sorry all this happen to you. I'm sure that was painful when you finally trust someone and they leave. It may be a natural part of counseling but it's almost cruel.
Makes you wonder if these barriers we set up for protection will actually hurt our progress in therapy though. Ya know?

Yes I’m scared of becoming attached to a therapist
(Long Story)

I am too but probably for different reasons. I don't like having someone to help with something I should be able to do myself. Goes back to childhood though.

Hope it’s ok to ask this question as part of the diologue. Does it make sense for a woman to fear her husband becoming attached to a therapist, and are there any reassuring words for this situation?

My first thought on reading this is that it was two different issues here. But explain further if you can. What are you fearing will happen?

I had to really think about that question. A fear of him getting a crush or becoming attracted to her, I guess. A fear of her making him feel understood in a way that I don’t. A fear of him loving her more, even though it would probably be an idealized love, if that makes sense. Aren’t those feelings that take place when one becomes attached to their therapist?

Perhaps those are his fears as well. Do any of you fear having attachment, because you are married? I don’t want to talk about it with him, because I don’t want to interfere if this is a positive way towards progress in treatment. Also, I’m jealous, and that’s destructive.

These are all valid concerns and hopefully if the T sees this happening she will get control of it on her end. But if he does "fall" for her it could be difficult for you guys. Have you seen changes in him to make you think he's falling for this therapist? Has you husband cheated on you before? This is way more complicated than he just likes the therapist a lot. Maybe this is something that you could talk to him about and discuss transference with him.
Let him know how you feel and see what happens.

My concerns with attachment is not wanting someone to control my life more than me and have to rely on them to be there. Nothing to do with romantic issues for me. But I see how it could for some people.
Yes, being jealous never serves anyone well. Be careful with that for yourself and him. Here's a video on transference by Kati Morton

I guess I should have started out with my own experience with this, which is part of why I have the fears.

I’ve been seeing psychiatrists for 20 years. My first psychiatrist I developed all those feelings for. I thought about him all the time. I felt completely dependent on him. I saw another psychiatrist for 12 years, and it was the same way, for many years. The dependency and the obsessiveness were terrible, not healthy, so I can understand people’s fear of it.

Then I met my sweetheart. Everything changed. All those emotions and idealistic thoughts I had just disappeared, and sessions were down to earth, practical, and completely goal oriented. It was a huge relief. I’m a very dependent person, so I became then emotionally dependent on my husband, but not obsessive. I learned what real love is. The feelings I had for these doctors was not love.

I guess everything I just said should be reassurance for me, since he has me in his life.

Now, in thinking about the topic, I’m thinking that one is more vulnerable to an unhealthy attachment with a therapist, if they don’t have a secure and equal 2 way relationship, with someone outside the office. At the same time, I think that it is natural for an attachment and dependency to take place, when you have an experience with a therapist with whom you feel like you are in a safe place where the therapist doesn’t judge you but only offers positive regard and respect.

I think when it comes to becoming attached to your therapist, the most important thing, is to make sure the therapist is qualified and really knows what he or she is doing. If my psychiatrists were not qualified, I could easily have ended up feeling always on edge, wondering if he still liked me or if he was going to now reject me as a patient. It’s important to have consistent reassurance. In the beginning, though, there is more fear of rejection because he hasn’t gotten to know you, and perhaps we are used to rejection.