Just My Thoughts Tonight

Awesome on the appointments, yes I think you need to get back on the meds because you have to see that things are not real good when you cut back or stop them. You know how hard it is get back up after a hard fall. I just don't want you to keep going through this yo-yo type of living. If the meds make you tired talk to the pdoc and see if there's something else you could take that wouldn't make you so tired. You can do this!!!!!

My anxiety is bad now. I think I'm gonna call it for the night.

Good night and sleep well

In an hour and a half, it'll be my sister's birthday. We haven't talked in over a year and didn't leave things off very well, to say the least. There's a lot that goes into that. A lot of backstory I don't care to get into. It just hurts. Every year from now until part way through February. I hate this time of year. I just want to forget.

Those are my thoughts tonight. Thoughts I wish would disappear...

No way to repair the situation? Has it gone to far to fix? Can you take the high road and call her to wish her a happy birthday?

It's not a kind of "disagreement" that has a high road. I can't call her because I don't have her number, nor any other way to contact her. It's hard to explain what even happened. The easiest way to say it is: I love her and I loved being with her and my nephews. She relapsed hard and if I didn't get my boys out of there they'd end up hurt or dead. I was too young to take them in. CPS got involved after I made a call. The boys are gone and my sister is too because of what I did. I protected my boys from that life, as far as I know, but I lost them in the process. And I lost my sister. It kills me. Every. Single. Day.

I miss them so ****ing much.

Have you searched on the internet for them? I expect that was a difficult situation with CPS involved. Have you talked to your T about this situation?

Yes, to both questions. It's probably just as well I can't see them. I'm a mess. And I've told my T, it didn't help anything. I can talk all I want and not feel any different. Hell, most of the time it makes it worse.

Sorry you are having such a rough day. Are you taking the meds as prescribed yet? Can you call your T and let them know how you feel? Call a crisis line? Go to the hospital? Your sisters birthday seem to really trigger you. That sometimes happens in families, things that are said and done hurts more when it comes from someone you love. Sometime drastic measures is what's needed to keep peace. Hopefully at some point she will realize that you were just trying to help the kids and no need to keep a distance. You can't control what other people think or do, ya know. You know you did the right thing, you did nothing wrong.
Besides how can you think about leaving me? We've gone through some hard times together here at PC. We seem to gain strength from the support here and make it another day. Please call your T, Crisis Line, or go to the hospital. I really don't want to lose you.

Please try and stay, So

(((((((( So leigheas )))))))
I want you to try to stay

I'm still here. I'll see the end of today. I let my friend know where my head was and I'll be with her for a bit and then my fiance gets off early tonight, so I'll have him. I'm hurting a lot today and having you all supporting me does make a difference.

I'm not all better, but while I'm still trying to figure out this mess, having you with me helps. Thank you.

And Trace, I haven't taken any meds today and yesterday. I don't know why. I'm just hell bent on self-destruction, I guess. I feel like I've failed people because of it, including you. I'm sorry.

We care about you

You haven't failed me and this is an easy fix. Get started on the prescribed dose now. When you don't take your meds you get like this and even worse sometimes. It worries people that care about you. We have talked so much that I can tell when you are taking your meds. These meds are keeping you chemically balanced. There's no shame in that. I expect most of us here are own medications. When I don't take mine I get very depressed, concerning depressed. I don't like that feeling, so I take the meds even though I hate them. I hate the side affects of not taking them even more. You haven't failed me

It's too late to take my AD, but I'll take my AP tonight. I appreciate you, Trace.

(((((((((((((So' leigheas))))))))))))))))))
Just want you to feel better.