[just2b]

Anger has taken over. I get raging outbursts. So far I have broken two dishes, and broken with my hand/fist windows. The last window broken caused 3 stitches in my thumb. While part of me says it's no big deal, it will pass, another is frantic to get in the hospital. While other parts feel numb. Lately I feel anxious, get headaches, body aches, extremely high blood pressure, insomnia, paranoia, and dissociation. Therapy appointment tomorrow. Plan on telling T I think I need the hospital. I was just in about a month ago with suicidal/homicidal thoughts. I stayed a week and probably should of stayed as when I got out I was good for a few hours and was right back into my suicidal and homicidal thinking. About 4 days later I felt better and thoughts were gone. However rage is getting me now.
Would you go in the hospital, knowing your DID system has serious issues with the hospital, and will lie to get out? Even though you know hospital is the safest place.

[Skeezyks]

Well... I don't know as there is a lot I can offer here. I also have some serious rage issues myself. And when I'm in the midst of one, & sometimes at other times as well, I think perhaps I should be in the hospital although I know that the times I've been in, in the past, I did everything I could do to get out as quickly as possible. It's a quandary. Given what you've written, perhaps one option would be to simply follow the recommendations of others you rely on, such as your T. The good thing about the hospital is that, as you wrote, it is the safest place. Sometimes that's what's most important. I wish you well...

[Open Eyes]

It sounds to me like you need to learn how to "trust" yourself more and slowly make gains in that area so you don't have to run to a place that you think is supposed to help you feel safer, when it's really more about you learning how to feel safe with SELF more on your own. Also, when it comes to anger, what helps is acknowledging the anger, but more importantly learning what is triggering this anger to pop up in you.

I know it can be challenging because I had to learn what triggered my own anger and also what in my own history was connected to this anger trigger coming forward in me. I have learned that a lot of the anger triggers I experienced came from how my boundaries were being disrespected that definitely goes way back to my childhood years. I was traumatized a lot as a child and these traumas always revolved around how I either witnessed or personally experienced someone treating me or another individual in ways that did not respect their personal boundaries and how I was too young to know how to better protect my own boundaries or the boundaries of someone else that I was witnessing suffering a lot of abuse.

Also, when it comes to having a disassociation identity issue, it's important to understand that pretty much ALL human beings do this to some extent. It's something human beings learn to do in order to create a sense of distance from whatever is in their environment that they have no idea what to do about or fix. It's similar to sitting down and taking a multiple question test where a person comes across a question they don't have an answer to, so they skip over that question to see if they can answer the next question. If a child is sitting in a room playing and suddenly his parents begin shouting at each other and the child has no idea WHY or how to stop it, the child will learn to tune that out and sit and play with his toys because that's something he/she knows how to do. What can take shape from that is how that child begins to learn how to disassociate when his parents scream and fight with each other and what can happen is that this child not realizing it continues to practice this over many years of experiencing this kind of dysfunction in his environment. So, with that a part of that individual unknowingly doesn't get to grow and develop more skills where he actually learns how to react in a way that deals better with being exposed to that kind of situation displayed by others.

[Fuzzybear]

[HD7970GHZ]

Hi Just2b,

I empathize greatly with you. Anger is not a comforting emotion and it can be very difficult to deal with, especially if we have learned to suppress and or dissociate when we experience it. The important thing to do is validate your own emotions and allow yourself to feel the way you do. There is a reason you are angry and that must always be taken into account. Anger is healthy to express when it comes to trauma and PTSD; it is the behavior that needs to be carefully monitored and reeled in. It sounds like you have trouble with your behavior when you are angry, my suggestion is to try to find alternative ways to express yourself. I have been told to get a punching bag or punch my bed or pillows when I am upset.

In regards to the hospital and your DID system, I believe you know yourself best. Given how vulnerable DID can be, in my opinion any such decision should come solely from you, (and if anyone else) a trusting therapist or someone who truly has your best interest at heart. I have had VERY traumatic experiences at the hands of healthcare professionals, so I personally avoid the hospital at all costs unless it is a matter of life and death. (Because there is nowhere else to go but to public healthcare hospitals) Perhaps something that you could think about is why you want to go into the hospital. Perhaps part of you craves safety, nurture, comfort, protection, etc. (Irony being that hospitals don't always offer these things, in fact they often times deprive us of them.)

Thanks,
HD7970ghz