Looking For Feedback & Support

Hello - This my first "real" post other than my introduction. I'll try to be quick. I have been diagnosed w/ Complex PTSD. Over the past few years I have fractured my hip and received a partial hip replacement. Was misdiagnosed by 3 docs (2 from one of the "best" hosp
s in the US. After a proper diagnosis, the damage caused by dragging myself around on crutches for a month caused further damage in my hip. I also had a blood clot from being misdiagnosed. I have had an anxiety disorder for years and am on meds. Became depressed after my carer fell apart because I was legally blind for over ten years due to a very odd eye condition that I won't detail for brevity's sake. I finally was able to have risky surgery an can now see. I had a series of accidents in the home that I did not cause, such as searing ho water breaking the pitcher it was in and the water falling on my foot causing an almost 3rd degree burn. While fixing a wire on my TV, the TV fell on my head and thrust my face into the armoire shelf where the TV was, smashing my nose.

It goes on. While dealing w/ depression from not working, no longer driving due to the blindness and then not being able to work after I was better, the depression increased...as did the anxiety. I live w/ my ex which is a complicated story. I do not have the money to move and live in a very high-priced city. My cat became ill in 2014 and I kept her alive w/ help from the vet and making her life as good as possible. In a way, helping her became a purpose as I continued o search for work. I was on Disability. My mother's health was also declining and as time went on she was always in and out of the hosp. All very nerve-wracking. Two years ago, while w/ her at a beach I was taking pix of he ocean and accidentally made one step too many and fell off the boardwalk, ending-up w/ a bad sprain. Was placed in a cast and had home healthcare for PT. Shortly thereafter, following a bad fight w/ the ex, I was sent to the ER by home healthcare nurse as I almost had a hear attack. While recovering from that, heavy rains ruined the part of the house where I rent the large master bedroom. It was a mess and had to be reconstructed. I moved everything out and was displaced in the house w/ loud construction going on for 3 months.

When that ended I was in very bad shape emotionally and exhausted from moving and rearranging my items. Two months later my cat had to be put down. I have done this in the past w/ sick pets. This one broke me and I'm not over it in the sense that I cry often. Then, less than 2 months later my mother, who was 90, passed-away suddenly w.out a chance for me to see or talk to her or say goodbye. That was in Sept. 2017. I then had only one month to remove everything in her apt. She had hundreds of thing s...extremely organized.I worked 12-18 hours a day and had to donate 90% of her pristine 60's furniture and spotless clothing.... as even w/ help from a pro estate seller, her in perfect condition furniture was too dated to sell. I had to spend money I didn't have just to get everything out in time. It was emotionally and physically exhausting. I began to walk in a shuffle as I had no energy. I was running on fumes. No one beyond a few male friends seem to grasp how I feel.

When I returned to my city and home, my ex had decided to go to CODA and was backing-away from me just when I needed support. Then, to compound things, due to not being able to find freelance work (I live on a hill and cannot walk anywhere, so working via remote is best)...I fund myself falling back into the trap of taking Payday loans just to get by. I have been unable to pay full rent for 6 months after living here paying rent for 15 years. Ex decided we needed couples therapy w/ our long-ago former therapist. I agreed, thinking it was to help improve our increasing dissonance w/ each other. Instead, the therapist and ex made it all about my PayDay Loans and money. I came away from the session feeling suicidal and any recovery I had been making re: grief and regaining energy slipped back. Altho' I know I must move, my friends have no extra room, have moved away, or died. In the past I was always lucky to find places under any circumstance. I have other issues holding me back, but know that the therapist also kept pushing that I have to move out. How? No money, no job, no car and an issue w/ my appearance.

It has taken me a week to stop freaking about the session as the therapist had been informed of my Complex PTSD, et al, in advance, and yet treated me w/ "Tough Love" which I have never responded to. I have been through even more physical and emotional trauma in my life and have made it through. Now I still am living on the loans as my SSA is not large. I am in that awful cycle.

Ex is now nicer and we are trying to make how ever much longer I will be living here less toxic. I am an only child w/ very few available family members. I have found a therapist I would like to see but now I am in such debt I wouldn't be able to make an on-the-spot copay, esp at our first session.

I do function to the best of my ability. But, I am being forced by my ex to show how much I owe in loans and so on...as this has been an issue for a while. I do live beyond my means and I will have to make serious lifestyle changes. I am afraid of another blow-out when the money I owe is exposed. I do look for work, yet become depressed further as I am dealing w/ ageism and much competition in my field. I can do many things, but not w/ once beautiful teeth now stained and a bridge that fell out leaving missing teeth. Total cost for everything is mind-boggling.

Anyone have any thoughts? I sincerely am not looking for sympathy. Just understanding and not feeling so frightened. I am usually strong. I am now exhausted and constantly have to remind ex about my CPTSD and to be kind. Ex is good one day, and somewhat revengeful the next. I feel that I have trapped myself on many fronts.

Questions are welcome as I could keep on writing....

Thanks in advance.

Hi ((Trapped&Miserable)), welcome to PC and the PTSD forum. Well, your name says a lot because one of the things that can trigger someone who struggles with complex PTSD is that "trapped" feeling but also not "feeling safe" too. You have certainly faced the challenge in your history with feeling "unsafe" and experiencing health challenges can be traumatic for a person and that isn't really talked about very much when it comes to ptsd. A lot of people fail to recognize that when it comes to experiencing vision challenges that it really is so much more challenging and yes, there can be unexpected falls due to the challenge with "distance perception" that one experiences with challenged eyesight as well as experience the world around them in a different way too.
People who have good eye sight often don't realize how stressful it can be to a person who needs special glasses to see and for some reason can't find their glasses and how they will even panic and feel unsafe without their glasses. Not only that but there tends to be a negative stigma that comes with eyesight challenges too. So, with eyesight challenges often there is a challenged sense of safety that people who don't have the challenge often fail to understand. I am happy to know that the surgery you had helped you see better, I am sure having the surgery was really scary as you were really taking a chance on something extremely significant to your personal sense of safety.

From what you have shared here, I can see that even though you were faced with significant challenges that made it harder for you to thrive, you did try very hard to learn whatever you could to thrive and that is worthy of respect and you probably don't get the kind of respect you really deserve either and unfortunately that happens to a lot of people. From the time we are young we tend to be expected to maintain "the grade and doing well" and embracing this "I am a star at" mindset. Children tend to hear "good job" whenever they learn something or get something right too. Perhaps that really needs to be rethought where one says, "good for you" and more focus should be emphasized on not what a child failed to understand or achieve but instead what each child "did" achieve. We "do" create stress in our children where our children develop fears of not getting everything correct. It not surprising that so many end up struggling with "depression or anxiety" in that instead of learning to actually "enjoy" whatever one does right, most children develop a genuine fear of getting something wrong. And because we teach this way our children begin to focus too much on whatever other children don't do as well or fit into whatever is considered "correct".

IMHO, true "intelligence" is when a person does well and figures out how to thrive despite having some kind of challenge. I raised a child that struggled with a learning disability and because I learned about how she struggled and why, I have to say I was often completely amazed at how my child learned to work around her challenge. However, she did face being challenged by her piers for needing to have help and special ed classes. Unfortunately, children can be "mean" however this is due to how children are taught to think that another child that might have a challenge is "not good enough" and should be shunned. Unfortunately, without our realizing it, we as a society actually bake this into how we have been raising our children along with a lot of the messages they receive. Unfortunately, we tend to send too many messages to our children about the "ideal of perfection". Without even realizing it we glorify the "getting something perfect" so much that it's no wonder we end up having so many problems with drugs designed to help us not "feel bad or depressed or anxious or stressed and unsafe".

You live in California? Well, that is one of the most expensive states to live in and because of the temperature that is comfortable to live with pretty much all year round, your State happens to be a destination for many to go and live that can't, for some reason "thrive" and are homeless. My daughter worked for a company that who's main office is in San Francisco and when she flew out there the one thing she talked about was how there were so many homeless people and also how incredibly expensive everything is out there compared to where she grew up. There are so many homeless that in parts of that state there is a huge problem with homelessness, and garbage in the streets as well as feces and needles. It's pretty shocking for someone to see when they come from a place where they don't see that extreme, an extreme where there is not enough funds to handle the huge challenge that exists there where "affordable housing" is in extreme short supply compared to other states. It's gotten so crowded and expensive that many are moving their businesses to Texas and Texas is heading towards becoming the next California.

I am sorry that the therapist you went to see tends to present you with a "man up" approach. That doesn't work well for individuals who struggle with complex ptsd. However, it doesn't surprise me that therapists out that way would become somewhat hardened. I think you will need to work on finding your way towards understanding this better so you don't end up getting worse and I know that is a challenge when struggling with complex ptsd. It's important that you make sure you work on recognizing how well you have thrived despite having some significant challenges. I know first hand how hard that can be, but self caring is very important when it comes to working on gaining in your effort to continue to thrive despite of challenges.

NOTE: I made many typos in the post. In addition, know that I have a psychiatrist who knows her meds but beyond that is not helpful. So sorry about typos. Makes it sound uneducated and difficult at times to decipher. Apparently I cannot edit my post.

Thank you for your kind response. It must be - as you said/wrote - quite a challenge to raise a child w/ a disability.

Please know that I am horrified by my typos. I wrote in a rush and didn't check before submitting. I am pro editor, copywriter, proofreader, etc. - therefore I'm sensitive to putting the post out there as is...and am not able to edit/correct.

I am doing what I can to change the negative energy I have apparently attracted. Let's hope things will change soon.

Again, thank you for taking the time to tell your story and to empathize.

In addition, yes, the Homeless issue is becoming worse in CA - esp in LA. Unfortunately, due to SOME unruly occupants of the "Tent" lifestyle of the Homeless here, many once "safe" places for them are being purged. Where are they to go?