[madisgram]

well it's time i posted to get some feedback on what to do.
my daughter in law has been emotionally and verbally abusive to me for 14 years in spite of my efforts to avoid conflict. imho she is passive agressive and self absorbed. last year i caretook my schizophrenic ex husband. my son asked me if i would do this. i said i would give it a try for 1 year. (i don't anymore) the final blow came when i called my son who lives nearby for help...his father was psychotic and a threat to myself. the agreement when i took on this task was to call my son in an emergency. after calling 911 and son, my daughter in law called me and yelled into the phone, HOW DARE YOU DISRUPT MY FAMILY!! and hung up. later i spoke with my son and discovered he didn't know she called. BUT here's the kicker, since that time i've been left out/no invites to visit, no occasional phone calls from son, mom, how's it going?,etc. and i haven't seen the grandchildren since that time tho i'm only 20 min. away. (this is a condensed version of 14 years of ongoing walking around on eggs since he married his wife).
i feel that i cannot be her human doormat anymore.
so my question is this:
should i just move and get on with the rest of my life?
or what would you suggest... i know i'm not giving you all the facts..too much to write..but i'm so hurt by her treatment of me for 14 years and also hurt that my son doesn't value me enough to even stay in touch.
please be gentle with me when/if you reply. at this point i'm heartbroken...mostly of my son's choices. we were always close but i have stayed out of their business other than to be available when they needed my help since their marriage. when she visits her family in calif. he calls me every day as tho we've been in touch all along. as soon as she returns...silence.. so it's like he can't have a mother relationship being married or at least when she's home.
idk, it's so convoluted. i just don't see why it has to be this way. i need help in knowing what is the best thing to do to help myself.thats really the gist of this thread. thanks for reading.

[lynn P.]

((madisgram)) - I'm sorry this is happening to you and your family. Since you said your son visits and communicates when his wife is on vacation - this means he loves you, isn't happy with the situation but feels controlled by his wife. For what ever reason she's the one who controls things - she's probably threatened him or something else. During those times, have you talked about this with your son about finding a solution? I think she's acting like a b---h and being extremely unfair. You have the right to see your son and your grandchildren.

It would be great if your son could find the strength to stand up to her but since she's the domineering one, this might not happen. If you invite your son with the kids - would he come? Would she come if you invite her? I just think it's so sad and frustrating to deprive you of seeing your family when you want to. You have my sympathy and I think you should see what your son says and see if you both can just tell her how it is and if she doesn't like it, then too bad.

Hello, madisgram. My thought is to call your son and ask to meet with him. If he agrees, ask him why you are being ostracized. Let him know how his wife has been treating you all this years, how hurt you are and how disappointed you are he ignores you. If he will not meet with, perhaps you can say what needs to be said in an email.

If your son will not talk about this problem, you have a decision to make. Your daughter in law has a problem. Your son does too. Eventually, it may be good to see if all three of your can meet to resolve what is gong on. If your son will not take some initiative to make peace, you realistically will not be able to it on your own.

Be well.

[shezbut]

madisgram,

I am so sorry to hear what you've been going through . I wish that I had some words of wisdom to give you something to cheer about! I definitely agree with the other posts suggesting that you meet alone with your son to discuss things. Hopefully, he will be willing to make some changes in his life to still involve you.

The idea of looking away just sounds so sad to me. Imo, life feels pretty hopeless at that point. Gentle hugs to you. I hope that you and your son are able to be there for one another.