[Distressed2010]

I feel like maybe i have PSTD, wasn't diagnosed but match the symptoms recently. I would appreciate any help you guys can give me... I wrote a lot, hope you get through reading it all

I am feeling extremely distressed. I saw a therapist for 3 months and now I've moved to a country where I can't really afford a therapist and at the same time, I don't trust the mental health system here. This is what I was diagnosed with:

1. ADHD
2. Depression

Here is what I'm having issues with:

1. stuck in the past, I also get stuck in my emotions when someone is rude to me.
2. I was sexually molested by my brother in law who also manipulated me and at the same time got my sisters(i have 2) against me in order to isolate me. I told my mom this a month ago now that I'm almost 27 and her response was more of shock + "why didn't you tell me this before? " and now when I tell her how hurt I am at her response. SHe says " well, if you would have told me this earlier I could have done something. What do you want me to do now?"
This really makes me angry. Makes me feel like I don't have anyone to support me.

My mom also said that no one would believe me, only my parents would, which I believe is true…

3. My dad is extremely sick. He is almost bedridden after a few strokes and that disturbs me. He was also very emotionally abusive and controlling while I was growing up. As a child, he was my favorite and he always supported and protected me, but the moment I became a teenager, he started emotionally abusing me, which really confused me and I ended up isolating myself because I was in a dysfunctional family where at the same time I was being sexually molested, had really mean sisters, had my parents always criticizing me and telling me how i really need to change because my behavior is bad (but it was because my sisters were always mean and they'd always go make a huge deal out of everything I did to my parents.. such as, if i didn't want to share my cd with them, I was really bad and I didn't have a heart… etc..) and I was also not allowed to have any friends at all. I was so depressed while growing up.

3. Now that I'm older, I can't get away from the past. For years I carried the guilt and secrecy of the sexual molestation because I kept thinking I was stupid and it was my fault that this happened and now I feel angry that I got manipulated and I'm angry at my past, I'm also angry at the fact that I can't build close relationships anymore, I'm too scared to.

4. I also just exited a relationship where my ex was emotionally abusive and with him, I started feeling like I was losing myself. I am a very logical person and whenever I found out things he was doing wrong he turned it around on me saying "think about it. Your logic is so flawed. whats wrong with you?" He did this on many occasions and always had to make all decisions. He betrayed me and turned it around on me claiming me to be crazy. I actually did start feeling crazy, I started losing myself, I didn't know who I was anymore with him. I'm still getting over that relationship.

I also have anxiety issues, although they have gone down a bit after discussing with the therapist who told me I didn't consider my feelings because I was taught to take care of others feelings.

Now I have moved in with my parents for a little bit and everything just comes all back in my head. I just can't escape the past. ITS KILLING ME, mentally, physically, emotionally.

PLEASE HELP!

I'm so angry at the past and at the effect it has had on me now that I've grown up. I feel so alone and isolated. I don't feel like I can open up to anyone. My parents are extremely critical, they criticize everything in me, first I used to be super thin and I needed to eat, now that I have grown up and I weigh 150 for a 5'8, I need to lose weight… its like there's always something I need to fix about myself. I'm too emotional, I'm too this and that.. everything is just wrong with me all the time. Thats how they make me feel. What also makes me angry is that they instill a lot of fear in me. Everytime I try to do something they have fear about, where they're concerned about me, they put it in me saying "DONT DO XYZ or THIS WILL HAPPEN. IT Can happen, what will you do then". UGH! i just wished I had some support! I feel terrible!

[madisgram]

i'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed with your life. from what you wrote i'd say see a T if at all possible to help you sort out all this tangle of thoughts. u mentioned you don't trust T's. what is that about? that could be holding you back from getting the help you need. i don't believe you can sort all this out by yourself and you need an objective voice to assist you...now you are home again and your feelings are still not being validated. if you want to get better, and i think you do, then seek outside professional help and support near where u live.
are u on meds for your depression?
meanwhile we can be a support system but it sounds to me that you need "in person" help. i found that i needed to be responsible for getting the help i needed or i'd just stay in the same place...and it wasn't a good place for me to stay, jme.
oh and welcome to PC!!!

[itwastragic]

I know how you feel im severly depressed well kind of too

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by madisgram

i'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed with your life. from what you wrote i'd say see a T if at all possible to help you sort out all this tangle of thoughts. u mentioned you don't trust T's. what is that about? that could be holding you back from getting the help you need. i don't believe you can sort all this out by yourself and you need an objective voice to assist you...now you are home again and your feelings are still not being validated. if you want to get better, and i think you do, then seek outside professional help and support near where u live.
are u on meds for your depression?
meanwhile we can be a support system but it sounds to me that you need "in person" help. i found that i needed to be responsible for getting the help i needed or i'd just stay in the same place...and it wasn't a good place for me to stay, jme.
oh and welcome to PC!!!

Thanks for the response. I don't have an issue with therapists in USA, infact I saw one for 3 months. But I do have a problem seeing them in the country I am, there aren't a lot of them, and I did see a couple a while back and they pretty much sucked... I just don't trust they have the experience/knowledge to assist me, I'm worried if I see them I will come out more messed up.

Also, I'm angry at the fact that I was both emotionally abused by my family and sexually molested by a relative for so long during my adolescence, I'm more angry at the fact that now I have problems with intimacy and am unable to make friends. That's my main concern. I feel its not fair to me, I was innocent and that man sexually abused me, because of him, my whole life is tainted, that memory will never go away. Its making me so angry. and I feel like If i were grown up in a healthy family where people were allowed to communicate freely, maybe the sexual abuse could have been reduced. I'm just so angry at these 2 factors and I don't know what to do!

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by madisgram

i'm sorry you feel so overwhelmed with your life. from what you wrote i'd say see a T if at all possible to help you sort out all this tangle of thoughts. u mentioned you don't trust T's. what is that about? that could be holding you back from getting the help you need. i don't believe you can sort all this out by yourself and you need an objective voice to assist you...now you are home again and your feelings are still not being validated. if you want to get better, and i think you do, then seek outside professional help and support near where u live.
are u on meds for your depression?
meanwhile we can be a support system but it sounds to me that you need "in person" help. i found that i needed to be responsible for getting the help i needed or i'd just stay in the same place...and it wasn't a good place for me to stay, jme.
oh and welcome to PC!!!

Hi, Thanks for the response. I don't have an issue seeing a therapist in USA, infact I did for 3 months and it was good. But, the country I live in now, I just dont' feel comfortable seeing one here because I don't feel they are good and also I've been to 2 of them a while back and they pretty much sucked. I am afraid if I seek out help from them, they won't be up to date on the effects of abuse and also they might label me with something I might not have and I might come out more messed up.

The anger that I'm having issues with right now is due to 2 factors. I was raised in a dysfunctional family with tons of emotional abuse and I feel like if I were raised in a healthier environment, the sexual abuse would probably not have occured or the impact would have been low since there would be open communication. I never felt I could openly communicate with my family, I still don't. I also am angry that its not fair what happened to me, I was so innocent and naive, why me?

Third, now I have/will have all these problems (effects of abuse) due to this man who sexually abused me, i dont deserve any of these! I'm worried I can't open up in a relationship, have trouble wit intimacy and trust issues, I want to live a healthy and good life, these flashbacks are troubling me and so is lack of intimacy. Don't know how to deal with all this