[lynn P.]

My daughter is almost 13 and she has Facebook. She along with another girl have been having problems with a girl at school - the other girl(daughters friend) has had problems for years with this girl. Last night my daughter was trying to discuss this with the girl. I usually prefer her not to have negative discussions on Facebook.

It wasn't getting solved, then her mother got on and started threatening to get me involved and insulted my daughter by telling her she's illiterate. My daughter gets A's in school and even won speech competitions. Maybe there was the occasional typo but I think many people do this, when they talk casually on Facebook. To make matters worse this girl went and asked my daughters best friend if I'm a B---h. I've never met the girl or her mother.

I'm extremely irritated that a parent would barge in and talk with my daughter. I would never think of talking to a minor without the parents permission. My daughter likes Facebook but I think it causes problems sometimes with bullying. What makes it more difficult is this girl's is in my daughters class. I feel very upset that parent would go ahead and insult my daughter like this.

To make matters worse there's a boy in her class that likes my daughter but the only way he shows it....is by commenting on her body. He also brags about when he visits his dad, he watches porn and talks about it in class. At the moment I feel completely disappointed and mad.

[Fresia]

Thank you for posting! I'm sorry to hear things aren't going so well at the moment. Not easy issues. I don't have my own children but I take care of my niece; I know the issues I've had in caring for her and dealing with friends, parents, and Facebook.

Speaking to a child that way angers me too and to discuss it with the child and not you, is inappropriate. I know there are somethings kids need to work out for themselves, perhaps this is one of those things that they could have handled themselves and she need not have gotten involved in the first place. If not, anything more needing parental involvement, I firmly believe another parent should not address someone's child for these kinds of things, but should be discussed between parents and especially not over facebook?! I can see why you'd be mad and if possible I would talk to her about it, to find out what she was thinking and find a better way to handle such things in the future, such as addressing you.

I haven't gotten to the boy stage yet with my niece. I know it is coming. I know from personal experience how inappropriate young men can be at times. I am woefully unprepared for this scenario with her. I wish wasn't. I know I ignored guys like this. If they became very forward, I was told to ignore them until I couldn't, stay near other people or get to an adult/let a teacher know, and I was also taken to self-defense class to know how to defend myself just in case; also helped build self-esteem. Was worth it, more than I can say. I will probably do the same with my niece.

I will be thinking of your dilemma. I just wish I actually could help. Thank you again for posting b/c I will definitely be watching for other's responses.

[lynn P.]

Thank you Fresia for your caring response. Yes I definitely think the girls would have resolved this or at least agree to disagree and leave each other alone. Now that the mother got involved, she made things worse and then her daughter tried to insult me via my daughters friend, which made the rift even deeper. If things were left alone my daughter would be looking for a solution but now she's not interested and feels mad.

Regarding the boy - the other day they were outside and he tried to pour water on her shirt so he could see her breasts more - she heard this after the fact - anyway she has a brown belt in karate and she grabbed his arm and pushed him to the ground. A substitute teacher also heard him talking inappropriately on Friday and told him, this isn't the way you speak when there are young women around. So we'll see how it goes today......the bus just left....sigh. Thanks again Fresia.

[purple_fins]

I think it was very wrong of that mother to put herself on the level of the children(labeling your daughter as "illiterate") she, instead of stopping the insults is feeding into it as well. I don't understand parents that do that.
Lynn-- You would never think of talking to another child like that because you are wise and a good person-- who doesn't stoop to lower levels.
I hope your daughter can learn how to handle things in a positive manner from you and not from that other mother with her immaturity and negativity.

I'm so sorry your daughter is being subjected to the fall-out of porn. it sucks, I'm so so sorry.
and then, some men and boys wonder why women and girls are wearing clothes making statements that demean/degrade men???? ("boys are stupid", "All men are idiots, and I married the king") duh!!!.....

sorry I don't have advice-- just wanted you to know I'm here.

fins

[lynn P.]

Thank you ((Purple Fins)) for your post - I appreciate your advice.

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

My daughter is almost 13 and she has Facebook. She along with another girl have been having problems with a girl at school - the other girl(daughters friend) has had problems for years with this girl. Last night my daughter was trying to discuss this with the girl. I usually prefer her not to have negative discussions on Facebook.

It wasn't getting solved, then her mother got on and started threatening to get me involved and insulted my daughter by telling her she's illiterate. My daughter gets A's in school and even won speech competitions. Maybe there was the occasional typo but I think many people do this, when they talk casually on Facebook. To make matters worse this girl went and asked my daughters best friend if I'm a B---h. I've never met the girl or her mother.

I'm extremely irritated that a parent would barge in and talk with my daughter. I would never think of talking to a minor without the parents permission. My daughter likes Facebook but I think it causes problems sometimes with bullying. What makes it more difficult is this girl's is in my daughters class. I feel very upset that parent would go ahead and insult my daughter like this.

To make matters worse there's a boy in her class that likes my daughter but the only way he shows it....is by commenting on her body. He also brags about when he visits his dad, he watches porn and talks about it in class. At the moment I feel completely disappointed and mad.

Aha, yes welcome to teenage gals and facebook and other gals parents! it does get better, they all grow up eventually, well accept for the gals mothers that have teenagers on their own FB,always mystified me that one.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

Aha, yes welcome to teenage gals and facebook and other gals parents! it does get better, they all grow up eventually, well accept for the gals mothers that have teenagers on their own FB,always mystified me that one.

I guess you're saying mom's shouldn't allow teenagers to have a Facebook account. TBH I don't like Facebook but many teenagers, even younger have them. I would be happy if she didn't have it at all, but I also respect her feelings and normally she enjoys talking to her friends, has many nice pictures and singing videos.

I made rules before she joined that all pics had to be respectful because I've seen many incredibly inappropriate pictures of young girls in bikinis. She also has strict privacy settings so strangers can't see her account. I can fully view her account and I wish some of the bikini wearing kids mom's would look at their kids pics. I wouldn't speak to another 13 yr old without permission. So yeah, I'm one of those mothers that have a teenager on Facebook.

[AAAAA]

(((Lynn & daughter)))

The situation you describe existed long before facebook. I've attempted to use the advice that I'm about to give you, but my daughter had to learn the hard way. In my daughter's case the instigator was 28 for crying out loud and the incident resulted in a six year friendship being destroyed and a crazy person harrassing her for months.

I don't know what it is about teen girls and manipulations. The "mediator" usually gets the the short end of the stick. Girl A and Girl B are not getting along. Girl C attempts to be the peace maker and this usually results in both A and B turning on her. Girl A and B become bff's and Girl C is the one with all the hard feelings, a comment is taken out of context (at least with FB it's all in writing, but we all know that this is a precarious medium at best) and suddenly she's the bad guy.

I know it's hard to see someone treating a friend poorly, but a third party rarely has all the information out there. The best thing I think is to be supportive but not get involved in the minor stuff.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by AAAAA

(((Lynn & daughter)))

The situation you describe existed long before facebook. I've attempted to use the advice that I'm about to give you, but my daughter had to learn the hard way. In my daughter's case the instigator was 28 for crying out loud and the incident resulted in a six year friendship being destroyed and a crazy person harrassing her for months.

I don't know what it is about teen girls and manipulations. The "mediator" usually gets the the short end of the stick. Girl A and Girl B are not getting along. Girl C attempts to be the peace maker and this usually results in both A and B turning on her. Girl A and B become bff's and Girl C is the one with all the hard feelings, a comment is taken out of context (at least with FB it's all in writing, but we all know that this is a precarious medium at best) and suddenly she's the bad guy.

I know it's hard to see someone treating a friend poorly, but a third party rarely has all the information out there. The best thing I think is to be supportive but not get involved in the minor stuff.

Yes I agree AAAAA. Girl A was having problems because of B for several years. My daughter is friends with A, so then B started in on both of them. At this moment girl B is leaving both alone.

When you mentioned your daughter being harrassed, it reminded me of the famous case on the news. Two teenage girls had a bitter break up and the mother of the girl pretended she was a teen age boy - she posing as he, befriended the girl and she became very attached. The mother planned the whole scenario so she could break up with her. The girl felt so devastated that she ended her life. Girls can be very mean now a days.

[Perna]

I would just suggest to your daughter that she block girl B's account so she and the mother can't continue to mouth off inappropriately at her. It seems very hard to me to figure out how teens interact these days as it has changed so much in the last 10 years (like the rise of the Internet itself in the 90's) with social networks, texting, 3G and camera phones, etc.

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Perna

I would just suggest to your daughter that she block girl B's account so she and the mother can't continue to mouth off inappropriately at her. It seems very hard to me to figure out how teens interact these days as it has changed so much in the last 10 years (like the rise of the Internet itself in the 90's) with social networks, texting, 3G and camera phones, etc.

Thanks Perna - I forgot to mention my daughter went and blocked them both. Some teens today are very mean - girls typically do alot of verbal and social bullying but unfortunately now they get in 'girl fights' too. Thanks (sarcastic) to YouTube, people download these fights. I'm happy for now it seems like it may just blow over - keeping my fingers crossed.

I think the mom was hoping I would get on and talk to her, but I didn't take the bait lol. I only get involved in problems if she absolutely can't handle it on her own and I would do it through the school not on Facebook.

[Melbadaze]

no I meant mothers that have teenagers on their FB friends list....mothers acting as if they never left the sch playground...teenagers and FB go hand in hand along with the "he said she said" dramas....believe me I've been there done that got the tee shirt....teenagers will drag everyone into their dramas and most times its more productive to let them also work it out amongst themselves...

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

no I meant mothers that have teenagers on their FB friends list....mothers acting as if they never left the sch playground...teenagers and FB go hand in hand along with the "he said she said" dramas....believe me I've been there done that got the tee shirt....teenagers will drag everyone into their dramas and most times its more productive to let them also work it out amongst themselves...

Thanks for clarifying this Melbadaze - yes I agree with you on this. Personally for myself I don't like Facebook. I have an account but I don't use it - something about having my picture there for everyone to see, creeps me out lol. I'm doubtful on how positive it is for people in general.

Yes I think this matter would have blown over the next school day if the girls were left to work it out on their own. The mother getting involved made it much worse and picking on the little typo errors that we all do once in a while was immature. Since my daughter gets good grades and writes well normally, this insult was worse to her than other insults. Then the girl tried to drag me into this too. I'm hoping things will stay peaceful. Thanks again.