[hugs46]

I don't understand how I can be feeling good one day and the next I am down and the old tapes are playing again. Friday I was feeling great, yesterday so so but not knowing what I wanted to do, and today I'm back feeling depressed and like nothing is ever going to get better. I'm feeling like I don't deserve to be happy. I don't have anyone to do anything with. I'm feeling so all alone. I want so much to have friends and I want so much to find a man that will be loving and kind. I'm scared though. I don't know how to make friends or if I can trust anyone to be my friend. Why am I so screwed up. I just wish someone would tell me what is wrong w/me and why I can't be at peace.

[Belle1979]

Hugs have you tried counselling? Sometime is can get to the root of the problem.

[hugs46]

I am in counseling. Actually I just started back Friday after not being there for 2 months. I had a situation w/my insurance where they weren't paying enough but now that, that is cleared up I can go back to therapy.

I was in such a great mood on Friday. A person would have thought I didn't need therapy and I had the perfect outlook, and today I don't know if I could get any more discouraged or lower. What is wrong w/my brain? One day I love myself the next I hate myself. I just want it to stop.

[madisgram]

hi hugs, i'm no pdoc or T but it sounds to me like you are having "rapid cycling" with your moods. glad you are back in counseling. it would be wise to share these mood swings with your C. u didn't mention if you're on meds or not. more info would be helpful if u wish to share.
hope you balance out real soon.

[sugahorse1]

Sounds like me - I'm BP II. I can easily cycle from one day to the next. I'm working with my pdoc to minimise the effects and I see my T weekly to discuss it too - I am however wondering how exactly a T will help.

I'm not sure what your dx is, but it does sound like BP. Try get onto a stable med combo and it will really become easier.
Know you are not alone!

[hugs46]

I am on meds. Right now just Wellbutrian. My pdoc has tried Lamitcal and Lithium. Lamitcal made me feel achy and week, and the Lithium made me feel week. Both made me unable to think clearly. I couldn't hold a conversation withouth forgetting what I was talking about. I don't see my pdoc again now until Oct. 19th and I am so suffering right now. I hate this. Will it ever end?

Thanks for the input. I need to know that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[englishteacher]

Hugs...you are SOOOOO NOT the only one, but I understand how you might feel that way. I wish I had some good advice for you, but it sounds like you are doing what you can do. Keep posting and know that we are here to listen. I am up/down all the time. It's frustrating. You might try exploring possible triggers with your T.

[Travelinglady]

I'm another Bipolar II--possibly could be your diagnosis--but, as we say, we ain't (sorry, Englishteacher) experts. It takes a frustrating amount of time to find the right drug combo--and then that has to be changed again at some point. Gee, I'm making my own self depressed! But we all have hope--and GOOD days sometimes--and sometimes that's what we need to focus on!

Also, you might consider mentioning this possibility to your therapist. I went through years of intensive therapy--now more "supportive therapy"--but therapy is hard work and if done right, it does bring up issues that can be painful and distressing--but your therapist is there for support. Just keep the therapist informed about what is happening with you, is what I recommend.

Even "normal" people have ups and downs--ours are just more exaggerated, thus even tougher to deal with.

You are definitely not alone!

[hugs46]

Thanks all for your replies. It helps to know that I am not the only one with this problem, as frustrating as it may be.

[Belle1979]

My mother asked me once, when I returned from seeing my T, if I was taking drugs!!? All because I was HAPPY and talkative...

You are not alone in the down times between sessions... I felt like Tigger (winnie the pooh character) after each session.. and sometimes for days after.. then the mood would drop to the bottom and then slowly back up to what I considered 'normal'.. personally I prefered the Tigger moods

[Gently1]

((((hug46)))

I am new to depression- over 2 years and not quite right in the head yet. You are not alone, depression as I have been told has ups and downs in the healing process.

I have again been surprised at how bad the downward cycle feels, the distorted thinking the OMG I will never be well, how sometimes when I see my pdoc or T I am in a neutral mood, but I now keep a simple record of activies and moods, so even if I
have some energy at the appointment I can show how active that I have been. (or not)
I also decorate the improved moods with a big happy face and remind myself that at some point the medication made a change, and mark bad days as flare-ups.
I have recently discoved that I feel I am responsible for feeling anxious and resist taking medication, as anxiety and depression go hand in hand for me, even if the antidepressants are not working yet the anti-anxiety does work if I take the medication.
My gift to myself is that I was able to give up work, with the help of disabilty and am in therapy so that even if I can only be up for 4 hours a day, due to how depression sucks the life out of me.

The worst still for me is the pain of the downward cycle, and that I try to hard to get over the bad feeling, which takes away the energy needed for healing. So I can drop in energy like my cell phone.
Last I had to call my Pdoc for support-and she did return the call and was really useful.
So if you are distressed, do not wait to ask for and earlier appointment or advice.
All the best.

[Lilleth]

I have those feelings too. I was told by my dr and the consellor he sent me to that I needed to come to term with what happened to me and get on with my life but I dont know how to. Its there all the time I feel a failure in everything I do. I am afraid all the time and very lonely I have an appointment to go see someone tomorrow and am already stressing myself out.

[Gently1]

I agree 'getting on with ones life is important', and the distorted thinking for me is my life when the 'failure' and other distortions in thinking of depression are front and centre the nature of the illness along with exhustion etc.
The most helpful comment I received which is similar to 'get on with your life' but without the judgement was by a my doc, she repeated this 5 times and then wrote it out on a sticky.

"There is time and space for everything I need to do."

Lilleth: you are taking time for you by taking the appointment, may you find what you need
g1