[sugahorse1]

Just a rant, but any advice on how to cope, or to make sense of what it is, will really help.

I'm BP II, mainly dealing with depression. Approx every 2 weeks I get totally floored with depression. I am on the verge of tears (Often actually losing it and breaking down) and feel a real lump of emotions in my chest. I keep questioning my purpose, and feel that if this is life, I don't want to be a part of it. I'm basically useless during these times, and contact all my close friends for some form of support, and usually sms my T too.
Then, almost as quickly as it arrived, it vanishes...???

Then there's anger and stress. I cannot handle stress and freak out. I nearly start shaking, and lash out at anyone around me. I tend to wear this mask of being a real hard-core bit$h, when on the inside I'm really battling and am a softy. I know I should walk away from the stress and come back once I'm in a better frame of mind, but for some reason I don't.
Anger - I do not know how to project it. I fly off the handle, say things I shouldn't hurt, upset and anger other people and generally act unappropriately. But I call a spade a spade, and try to deal with the issues as they arrise (As opposed to bottling them up) but it's hardly the way one should behave in the corporate world. And if it's at my boyfriend, all I achieve is to have an angry boyfriend, who then directs his anger at my, and we enter a horrible cycle.

I just want to be happy. I don't want to be overwhelmed with negative emotions; most of which I don't even know how to name. And the result of my emotions and actions are that I become very lonely, as I really don't attract people to me.
Gee, I can hate myself when I re-read the way that I am (As above)...

[Black Moon]

Hey my friend I go through all these same emtions and actions. I am also perceived as a totally heartless ***** when i am so far from it that it is scary. There is not one thing you do that I don't do which actually makes me feel better as it is clearly not just "us" that have these issues. I am hoping that I can find the correct support and combination of medication now that I have joined PS.

I got a rude awakening this week when I realised that I am getting angry with my daughter for behaving exactly like I do. It is scary I know Suga but we will get through it.

Have you ever tried Topamax or Tegretal. I like the sound of Topamax in that it should not add to the weight issues. Although the doped up state sounds a bit of an issue. Tegretal seems to have good results too although not widely used?

[Rhiannonsmoon]

((((((((((((suga))))))))))))

Please don't be so harsh on yourself, there are plenty of others who will do that for you and you have total permission to give yourself a hug at the hardest times and take 5 deep breaths in through the nose, hold for 5 seconds and then just let them release and escape through relaxed lips.

With each breath you will feel your mind and body relax. Anger and frustration will ease and you will feel grounded and centered. And as you breathe you will remember that you have friends and support here at pc.

Please suga if you need to please pm me and I will answer as soon as I possibly can,

Loving hugs,

Rhiannon

[sugahorse1]

thanks for your supportive comments

[madisgram]

it might help to contact your pdoc if you are on meds. it may be that a med tweak could minimize these uncomfortable symptoms. rigorous excercise does help too. have u tried that sugar? hope you feel better real soon.

[sugahorse1]

I hardly have time to breathe during my day, let alone exercise. I'm trying to spend more time with my horse, both riding (Exercise!) and just being.

[madisgram]

sugar, just a thought but are you a rapid cycler with your bipolar? it sounds like that is what is going on and some hypomania too. hope u feel better real soon. still think a call to pdoc might help.

[nightdreamer7982]

((((((SugaHorse))))))
I am also overwhelmed hun? I just can't seem to stop the feeling of the way?!! I tend to over react in alot of ways. Ugh!!! I hate life in general and. It's so difficult for me to stay calm as much as? I can to do anything right!!!!!! I just want to have my depression to leave me and go somewhere else? Ugh!!!! I've been hurt,scared worried,confused and put down very badly for way too long now? Grrrrrrr!!!!!! I just want to feel appreciated by only a wonderful person and. It's so difficult anyway but hmmm!!! I'm not going to give up that easily and have him win anything. OMG!!!! I just really hate it so much though? It's so surreal and heart breaking and crazy too!!!! I could just be having a bad dream and when. It's the beginning of a new day? I'll get up and breath a *Sigh* of *Relieve* It's really gotta be this way for me.

[sugahorse1]

madis - I'm on Lamictin/Lamictal (Currently 100mg) and pdoc wants to decide if it's doing its job. Yes, I am a rapid cycler too.
Exercise wise, I am hoping to get some time to ride my horse more regularly. Other than work bogging me down, I don't really have much of an excuse not to ride?!

[Marmelade]

Hi Suga,

I wonder if hormonal fluctuations are making things worse with your BP cycle. I know that I get a drop in my mood and an increase in irritability due to this. I have started taking agnus castus (natural remedy) which has started to level things out a bit for me.

[sugahorse1]

I've had full blood tests done quite recently, and nothing came back "out". But yes, I'm sure the normal hormones are not helping the brain's hormones!