[hugs46]

I get so bitter whenever I see a pregnant woman or hear about someone having a baby. I wanted so much to have a family, but never did. I wasted so much time not doing anything to change. I just get so angry and then I don't care and abuse myself and figure it is never going to change. I'm tired of being my own worst enemy. How do I ever get over this. How do I move on. I can't live like this. I get so jealous when I see couples together loving each other. I just feel like being so destructive when I feel that way. I hate everything and everyone. Does anyone have an answers for me? I can't stop thinking about the past and what I missed out on.

[Belle1979]

I don't have answers but I can say that I know how you feel - looking back at the would have beens, could have beens and even should have beens hurts.

((((hugs46))))

Hello, hugs46. Almost daily I remember the words of a therapist who told me truly I had a talent for making bad decisions. Albeit, each day presents another opportunity to grow, to forgive, to risk, to change, and to find a way to live a more meaningful life. For that I am thankful.

When what we do is not working, we must examine ourselves and seek a better way. If we do not, the bitterness and resentment will fester and poison our lives.

Be well.

[lonegael]

Often, I found myself when deressed focussing on all the good things that would never be mine because of the things that had happened to me that I couldn't choose. Years wastd because of the mood diorder triggered by hideous bllying and my father's drinking, less than optimal parenting, poor timing in becoming a parent myself, a handicapped child.... My illness had a way of leeching away all the things around me that were mine because of just those things.
Sometimes you have to mourn those things that won't be yours. I will always mourn having nver had a father who could be there for me as a small child, or a mother who understood me. I will always mourn the difficulties my son will face going through life, and the chances I never had. i wouldn't be human if i didn't.
don't abuse yourself for that, or for not having those chances. Every time we make a turn in life, doors clse, and others open. Both negative and positive ones. It's not easy to see the positive ones when you are feeling like this, but they are there. You are RIGHT to mourn what can't be, but celebrate what is. You might have to wait a bit until you see what there is to clebrate, but I believe there is soemthing there, that never would have been if the other road had been taken. HUGGGGGGGGGGS.

[SophiaFlying]

Hugs, Hi..I am so sorry you are going through this. I am 40 and am mentally and physically ill. Right now I wouldnt be a good parent and I do not think the day will come when I will be able to have a child and be healthy enough..oh yes, isnt it soooo responsible of me to not bring a child into the world for my own selfish reasons? I mean if I changes a few things I could probably be a Mom and then there is the ambivalence that maybe u felt...do I want a child? I am unsure,but I cry a lot about this situation and say maybe I can be a foster Mom or something someday..I feel your pain. I may be missing out on the most important thing in life...then again...is this true? The media is so influential and inundates us with celebrity lifestyles: twins, adoptions, conceiving at 45, all the stars having babies..good grief. I just want to be happy. I dont know if this is helpful or not. I just want you to know that I too look back. I had many opportunities to get married and have a family,but never wanted to give up my freedom and my traveling to/living in different cities. It is a terrible thing, how u feel. I keep thinking, am i going to regret this? one day when I am 50, am I going to be even more depressed? Hang on.....you are not alone.

[Melbadaze]

I think thats a painful thing to come to terms with espeically if we have held previous ideas on what children would have looked like etc, and dreams of grandchildren etc, I think perhaps talking with a professional who deals with grief maybe a step forward and eventually being able to take that part of you that is invested in having had children and reapplying it to a life yet unknown??

[hugs46]

Thanks everyone for your input. I guess we all have our trials and tribulations that we have gone thru, and will continue to go thru. Everyone different but very much the same. I just keep praying to GOD to bring peace to my mind and sou,l and hope that one day I will find some reason why I chose the path I did and be ok with it. I have my beautiful grandson to spoil now, and without the constant worrying and responsibilities that go along with parenting. I thank GOD for him. He is such a sweet little boy. Only 6 1/2 months old, and he has grandma wrapped. Take care everyone, and again thank you and I wish you all the best.

Nancy

[shezbut]

Hi Nancy,

There sure is a bright side to being the grandparent ~ they can spoil & enjoy their grandchildren, but not have to deal with the blow-outs. And when they do blow-out in front of you, there is no physical or emotional attack upon you. Enjoy that safe space, and the love that your grandson has for you. That is such a bright side!

Gentle hugs to you ~ best wishes!

[Gabi925]

Originally Posted by hugs46

I get so bitter whenever I see a pregnant woman or hear about someone having a baby. I wanted so much to have a family, but never did. I wasted so much time not doing anything to change. I just get so angry and then I don't care and abuse myself and figure it is never going to change. I'm tired of being my own worst enemy. How do I ever get over this. How do I move on. I can't live like this. I get so jealous when I see couples together loving each other. I just feel like being so destructive when I feel that way. I hate everything and everyone. Does anyone have an answers for me? I can't stop thinking about the past and what I missed out on.

Put Beatles and listen to "All you need is !" I think I am defect because I really could not understand why you are jealous and hate the others because momentarily they are better. Don't you want to reach like them? No matter you can just dream now of that how do you want to be better if you hate what is better when is shown to you?