[Evening]

So I'm starting this new job, a 3 month trial as assistant manager of a pet store which could end up leading to head manager of a new store opening soon. I need some ideas on how to cope with some things. Mainly I need advice on coping with other people's anger (i.e. angry customers). Any anger from other people is one of my biggest triggers, even if the anger is very mild. It's the one trigger that I really react physically to, I get this massive adrenaline rush, which in turn causes me to start shaking, my heart starts pounding, my voice starts shaking, and I inevitably start crying. In situations where it gets REALLY heated, my trigger can actually last for days. Not shaking and such, but crying and suicidal, basically thinking the world is ending and I hermit myself away.
Obviously as a manager, I can't react like that. This is a huge opportunity for me, but I really have to start to deal with these reactions and change it. But I wouldn't have any idea where to start. Does anyone have any advice on how to lessen the reaction of a trigger, especially the extreme ones like that?

[whiteroses40]

Anger is a big trigger for me also. I'm a manager and dealing with an angry boss or even another employee throws my body into ready mode. I sometimes feel the rush of wanting to escape the situation and sometimes get a panick attack. Antidepressants has helped me somewhat but I still have to quiet down my body by using internal meditation. It calms me down a knotch or two so that I can get a grasp as to why they are angry. Instead of turning inward. Hope this helps.

[Evening]

Yeah knowing I'm not the only one in this situation does make me feel a lot better! As for meds, I no longer take them due to past issues, so I am looking to deal with this without having to take anything.
Even very small issues, like on here for example when someone my say something that could be interpreted wrong, I get in a stress. Even over the most minuscule thing. So I've been trying to use that to practice keeping calm, or try and think more rationally, basically saying to myself 'what the hell are you stressed over? Toughen up!'.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/dbt/20...ng-resilience/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...essing-you-out

[lonegael]

Evening, have you thought of going a CBT therapy aimed at handling other' anger? It sounds like what you have going is a type of phobia, actually. If you can get a good therapist it shouldn't take very long to get a handle on it. Basically, you have been conditioned to be very , very afraind of other people's anger. learning that you can survive it is the big step to being able to stop having these reactions. HUGGGGSSSS hon. I think that it's very dealable once you get the right help.

[OrangeMoira]

Congrats on the new job! What a great opportunity. I hope you don't encounter too many angry customers. If it's the kind of store where people bring their cats and dogs, maybe they are more likely to be friendly?

I have the same problem when I have to confront people, but only when someone is more than mildly angry. I turn (and see) red, shake, and then sometimes feel "off" for days (and want to quit my job). Working in customer service has actually helped me to get over this a lot. What I do in the moment is go through the angry-customer-diffusing steps I learned:

1) Apologize (for something, even if you can't change anything)
2) Repeat back the facts of their complaint/problem (this makes them feel heard and makes sure you're addressing the right issue)
3) Empathize (If they're emotional, they're probably a little embarrassed even if they don't seem like it; this makes angry people angrier. If you can express the fact that their response is reasonable/understandable, they will be less defensive and calm down.)
4) Ask what they want (sometimes it's smaller than you think; also, this gets them focused on the solution instead of venting their problems at you)
5) Offer a solution (tell them what you're able to do in positive terms and let them accept or reject it)

I've found that if I focus on doing each step well, I'm less likely to focus on the other person's scariness. I still feel the physical upheaval, but it's smaller and I can keep talking. The steps themselves often help to diffuse the situation and solve the problem. If not, at least I know I approached the situation in a professional way, so I'm less likely to ruminate about it after.

I've also learned that if the worst happens and I do burst into tears or get red and sweaty, that I'll live. No one likes to be yelled at. Lots of perfectly well adjusted people get their feelings hurt at work and break down. It happens to most people at least once. It doesn't make you unprofessional or weird (which is what my brain is telling me).

Over time, I've been able to deal with people better because I've had practice. I've also learned over time that the bad customers are a very small fraction, and the nice ones make up for them. I am confident that you will be able to deal with it better and better as you go. Do you have someone you can roleplay with ahead of time?

I second lonegael's suggestion about CBT. There are some good workbooks on anxiety if you can't do therapy right now. Breathing exercises and relaxation techniques are helpful, too. Good luck to you in the new job!

[Evening]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Evening, have you thought of going a CBT therapy aimed at handling other' anger? It sounds like what you have going is a type of phobia, actually. If you can get a good therapist it shouldn't take very long to get a handle on it. Basically, you have been conditioned to be very , very afraind of other people's anger. learning that you can survive it is the big step to being able to stop having these reactions. HUGGGGSSSS hon. I think that it's very dealable once you get the right help.

I've heard of CBT but I'm not sure what it actually is? I haven't got access to my therapist at the moment, so it's a little difficult. I have been thinking of convincing someone to take me there and telling them I need to see her urgently.
I don't have a phobia of anger, it is a trigger of my PTSD brought on by my mothers abusive ex-boyfriend who used to have the most demonic anger I've ever seen. I used to be very tough and defensive, but he was the one person I couldn't stand up to, he became so possessed with his anger and would turn red and go on and on and on, sometimes for half an hour or more. A lot of the time I was trapped in my room with him yelling at the door, other times he'd be standing right over me where I couldn't get away. So ever since then confrontation and anger really sets me off. But it's all physical. Mentally I might be absolutely LIVID with anger, but physically I'm so worked up that it becomes overwhelming and that's all people see.

Originally Posted by OrangeMoira

Congrats on the new job! What a great opportunity. I hope you don't encounter too many angry customers. If it's the kind of store where people bring their cats and dogs, maybe they are more likely to be friendly?

I have the same problem when I have to confront people, but only when someone is more than mildly angry. I turn (and see) red, shake, and then sometimes feel "off" for days (and want to quit my job). Working in customer service has actually helped me to get over this a lot. What I do in the moment is go through the angry-customer-diffusing steps I learned:

1) Apologize (for something, even if you can't change anything)
2) Repeat back the facts of their complaint/problem (this makes them feel heard and makes sure you're addressing the right issue)
3) Empathize (If they're emotional, they're probably a little embarrassed even if they don't seem like it; this makes angry people angrier. If you can express the fact that their response is reasonable/understandable, they will be less defensive and calm down.)
4) Ask what they want (sometimes it's smaller than you think; also, this gets them focused on the solution instead of venting their problems at you)
5) Offer a solution (tell them what you're able to do in positive terms and let them accept or reject it)

I've found that if I focus on doing each step well, I'm less likely to focus on the other person's scariness. I still feel the physical upheaval, but it's smaller and I can keep talking. The steps themselves often help to diffuse the situation and solve the problem. If not, at least I know I approached the situation in a professional way, so I'm less likely to ruminate about it after.

I've also learned that if the worst happens and I do burst into tears or get red and sweaty, that I'll live. No one likes to be yelled at. Lots of perfectly well adjusted people get their feelings hurt at work and break down. It happens to most people at least once. It doesn't make you unprofessional or weird (which is what my brain is telling me).

Over time, I've been able to deal with people better because I've had practice. I've also learned over time that the bad customers are a very small fraction, and the nice ones make up for them. I am confident that you will be able to deal with it better and better as you go. Do you have someone you can roleplay with ahead of time?

I second lonegael's suggestion about CBT. There are some good workbooks on anxiety if you can't do therapy right now. Breathing exercises and relaxation techniques are helpful, too. Good luck to you in the new job!

The thing I'm worried about is losing the job if I don't handle these situations well, so if I DO cry, it could mean the end. I am so worried that might happen because at the moment without a job I'm living on $1,180 a month, on this job I'm earning almost 3 times that much.
The manager did state that I will have to deal with angry customers. A lot of people are against pet stores and carry on about that, and she did state that occasionally I'll have to deal with that. I don't completely disagree with that, I do aim to one day run a pet store that does not sell dogs and cats, only hires staff that know exactly what they are talking about, and aims to educate customers with proper ethical advice. And, sometimes to get to where you want to go you have to do something you don't overly want to do. I do want this job, but the store I'm doing my 3 month trial at is a store I never really walked into because I didn't like the way it was run. Though last time I walked past it it looked a lot better.

[OrangeMoira]

Ooh, yeah. There are definitely people who get emotionally heated about pet stores that sell dogs and cats. I can see where there would be conflict. It helps that you understand where they're coming from so that you can show genuine empathy for their point of view. That's likely to defuse some people.

If they're ranting, you can distract yourself by counting in your head, concentrating on your breathing, or visualizing yourself someplace you feel safe like your house/an imaginary scene. Focusing on your senses can help, too, like feeling the floor against your feet. I tend to clench my fist or bite my lip when I'm near tears; sometimes the tension in my body and awareness of something beside my tear ducts can keep me from crying for long enough. Check the "grounding techniques" thread for more tips like that if you're interested.

You said you get livid with anger and then the tears come. Angry tears are the worst--there's just no way to keep them in when they start! For me, it happens when I think something's really unfair and feel powerless. That's why when I'm at work I concentrate on my role: I'm just here to listen and report what they say. Then I don't take it as personally and the "unfair/powerless" tapes don't replay in my brain.

In those moments, are there certain thoughts that play through your head and feed the emotions? Can you tell yourself things to counteract that? Ones I use that might be applicable are: "I am safe" "No one is going to hurt me right now" "This will be over in ten minutes" "I am strong, and I am still real when someone is angry or disappointed with me." You can find affirmations online or make up your own; they help keep your brain from spiraling into bad places when you're confronted.

I still think role playing or scripting things you want to say might help you to face it better--you'll feel less lost in the moment. You can say things like "I'm definitely interested in hearing what you have to say. This is obviously very important to you and I'm sure I can learn something. What things in particular do you think we should do differently?" "So you feel that it's not right to get dogs from private breeders because of the way they raise their animals? You would rather that we sold pet supplies and didn't sell pets? Well, I can absolutely understand where you're coming from. I love animals and am very concerned about the well being of the ones we have here. We know there are bad breeders in the world, but our company definitely has standards for breeders and we feel that we're providing a service by connecting breeders with members of the public who are looking for certain breeds. We take very good care of the animals we have here and work to send them to loving homes. I understand your point that there are animals in shelters who need homes. And I will definitely let the higher management know that you were in today and what your point of view is. I hope that you'll still want to shop with us and that we can help you with supplies or food. Is there anything I can help you with now? You don't want to shop with us if we carry pets? Well, I really am sorry that you feel that way, but I understand your convictions and, like I said, I will definitely pass those views on to management. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day."

Obviously you've been in service for a while if you're being considered for a store manager position, so I'm sure you've done all this before. Focusing on service techniques really does help. You have to be professional and try to keep the business relationship open, so you have to hear them out, but they don't have a right to go off on you all day. If you control the route of the conversation, you will short circuit a lot of their venting.

If your therapist is helpful and the only problem with seeing her is getting a ride, you should totally do it! I bet you would feel more confident if you could talk this out more. Will she talk to you on the phone instead?

Goodness, this is long; sorry! I spent a loooong time in customer service, and the angry person/tears thing really hit home for me. I hope someone can suggest something that works for you. Try not to focus too much on the "what if" factor or the outside possibility of losing the job. It's good to prepare as much as you can, but all you can do is hope for the best. I know it's hard to stop from worrying, though. I've been there. Wishing you good things!

[madisgram]

what a great thread!! i have the same reactions a lot of the time-anger and triggers. lots of helpful posts here and i am learning new ways to revert back to things in the past that created this response and how to cope better. it's still a challenge for me. so thanks everyone for your replies. i do know changing this reaction takes time. still working on it but i notice i can avoid the reaction more now and the accompanying behaviors. interesting thought-for me, their anger causes fear in me and then my reaction is to respond to their behavior the same way to protect myself. that's for me an irrational response.

[ladyjrnlist]

Congrats on the new job. I know you will do well. Just remember that a customer's anger is not personal to you. Some people are just rude and others are just having bad days. Feel sorry for them. Plaster a smile on your face and use the tips from some of the above posts. I worked retail for a long time and apologizing even though you haven't done anything works wonders.

Again, remember, don't internalize their anger. It's not about you, it's their issue. And it's your store, so if they get too out of hand, you can ask them to leave as a last resort. A very last resort, of course.

And if you get a ranting customer, focus on something silly about them in your mind to keep yourself amused and from getting to upset. Say, if they have bad hair, think about that while you are talking to them. It helps.

It's just your job, not personal. Remember that! Good luck!