[cherrygash321]

I sometimes get waves of emotions about the hurt I've suffered through abuse. The pain is so large it makes me feel insignificant. I feel worthless, useless, hopeless, despair. With each wave I try to write down the words that run through my head. I'm starting a letter to my abuser. I'm not sure if I'll send it, right now it's just for me. It's a difficult process though, to revisit the pain each time drains me completely.

I've found I just have to ride out these emotions, these waves with breathing. I used to do unhealthy things like drink. At times I still struggle with this but I'm sober. I haven't had these waves in awhile, they are unpredictable and draining once the wrenching leaves. Im looking, I need, support from others suffering like me. How to get through this?

[Leed]

Hi ~ In order for me to REALLY get thru the abuse, I had to see a psychiatrist. She really helped me cope with it. I was pretty much having a nervous breakdown, so I put myself in the hospital for 2 weeks, and would see my shrink once a day. One thing that she DID have me do was write a letter to one person that I was having trouble with regarding the abuse -- but I was NOT to mail it. Just write it and then throw it out. But then she wanted me to write a REAL letter that wasn't as "heated" as the other, but that told this person how their actions had affected me -- and I was supposed to mail it -- and I did. You have NO idea how FREEING that was!! I finally was able to let go of that garbage and put it where it belonged!!! It belonged on the other person!! I couldn't have done it tho without the "permission" and guidance of the psychiatrist.

Since therapy, I've been able to hold on to my "power." We give away our personal power when we're ill. We allow people to walk all over us, and take advantage. I no longer let anyone do that to me anymore. It's a good feeling. No one can hurt me like that again.

I would suggest you see a counselor of some sort -- whether it's a psychiatrist or psychologist - whatever. But talk to someone who can give you some guidance. I wish you the very best. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[cherrygash321]

Thank you so much Lee for your post. I am glad that you got relief and glad to know that the letter writing thing has worked for someone. I am thinking about doing it but it is very intimidating. It is true that we let people walk over us when we are ill.
What you said regarding the "freeing" feeling, the putting the junk on the other person is on the nail.

I'm switching therapists right now so am in a sort of a limbo. But I will definately bring this up with my new T.

[madisgram]

hi cherry, i was physically and emotionally abused. my T suggested i keep a journal too. once i wrote in it i didn't reread it til i was with my T. that helped me feel safe and he helped me with the emotions i felt while reading it to him. we would underline the feelings i had-worthless, helpless, hopeless, not valuable enough for someone in the present to love me. then we'd work on those feelings i had. i discovered time and again they were false beliefs about myself. can't express how liberating it was. it was tough getting thru the pain but it also resulted in freeing me to rediscover who i am. i started life over again. i also was in a support group...i'm normally not good in group settings..but i benefitted a lot cause there were other people going thru a rebirth of self too. they/i could relate to their feelings. we supported each other. everone's story of abuse was similar to mine in regard to negative feelings. my new life is so, so much better. i no longer have to be in that situation again. i have tools to avoid getting snared by another abuser.
pc is another good place to express your feelings. it's a very suportive community. i wish you the very best on your journey of rediscovering yourself. glad u're going back into therapy too. we're here for you

[cherrygash321]

madisgram~ It means so much to me that you posted such an inspirational story to me. Thank you. I will come back often and re-read it when I'm feeling low on fuel. It is smart read safely with your therapist rather than alone. to professionally analyze your writings. I am glad that you are doing so much better. Thank you so much for the support!!!!!

[Gently1]

((cherrygash321))

I am waiting for treatment for a childhood 'issue', in the mean time I am working with a therapist on mindfulness, and practicing on smaller 'issues' so that when the time comes I will have some useful coping skills.

I am also learning patience.
It is rarer that I have the full memory/lived again, as I know this work is coming I can sometimes, say something to myself, to tell myself that this will have attention in the future.
I use CSA to lable the memory and not have to live the memory. This did not come overnight.

I know they have treatments for this long time stress, and may we all be healed.
G1

[cherrygash321]

Thanks Gently.

[lavieenrose]

The posts in this thread are very encouraging and hopeful. Cherrygash, I still get sucked under the waves all too frequently, and I've had a lot of therapy in my life. I'm struggling to understand why all the thousands of discussions in therapy sessions about sense of self and the dynamics of distorted negative beliefs don't filter down to a core level within myself. It's so "hit or miss" whether I happen to remember to talk back to the fears, self-doubts, shame, etc., and work myself free of the painful mental states. Maybe it requires more consistent daily practice, positive brainwashing with repetition. I seem to lack the self-discipline. I'm on autopilot, going with the scatteredness and reactivity. I've got to get back to mindfulness meditation. It's hard to do, but has been helpful to slow down the tidal wave of thoughts and emotions.

[whisperfades]

I dont want to talk about my stuff that hapened.Im scared of it.