[Can't Stop Crying]

I feel like such a failure. I am letting everyone down. I called in sick to work last night for the 3rd day in a row. I am supposed to be setting a good example for my boys, but I have a hard time facing the day myself. I have been crying all night about this mess I've gotten us into. I try to put on my strong face for my boys, but they know.

My T said the best way for me to help my boys with their depression is to get my own under control - I am not doing a good job at that.

All I want to be is a good mother, I can't even do that right. They need me to be strong and I am a mess.

I don't know what to do anymore

[madisgram]

your T's suggestion is right on the mark. by your knowing what depresses you is correct. there is no other way this can help you help your boys too until you do this. you need to do this in the order of priority. you first need to focus on self and find the remedy. i feel you are so focused on keeping up a good face to them it diverts you from your primary purpose. once you help yourself then and only then can you be the mom you want to be. i want this for you. but that is the equation for you, to have self worth rather than feeling such a failure. only then can you help your boys. you are not being a "bad" person by getting well first, CSC.

[yellowted]

i totally agree with madisgram, look at it this way, there is a raging house fire, three people are trapped inside, the fire department arrive, do they run straight in to help the 3 trapped people? ...no, they take time to protect themselves and put on their breathing apperatus, why ? ... because they know they can't help the others if they get overcome by smoke and need help themselves. you seem to be running straight in to help your boys with no regard to your own wellbeing. stop, take the time to prepare yourself, get you in a good place before trying to help others get there, it may even be easier as you will be then able to show them the way you took back from depression.
try to understand what triggers you, find stratagies which work for you, once you have found your strength only then can you begin to help your boys.

it is ok to look after number one (you) first, no one will think any less of you for doing so, it is a sign of maturity and common sense to do so, as too is asking for help, is there anyone or any charity/organisations who could shoulder your boys whilst you concentrate on healing yourself? this is certainly not a sign of weakness or that you are not a good mother, afterall a good mother would seek the best for her children even if it means asking for help or stepping back temporarily to heal herself so she can be there for them in the longer term picture.

[pgrundy]

I agree, you have to take care of you or you can't help your family.

I know for myself, low self esteem contributed to me obsessively putting myself last and caretaking helped me avoid my own feelings. Eventually feelings do burst out and become debilitating if we put ourselves last. I am still learning to acknowledge and manage feelings as they arise. It isn't easy and I need a lot of help, but if I get that help, my quality of life is pretty good and I can make better decisions and hold down a job. For me help includes medication, regular evaluations, therapy, and support.

When I'm not getting that help everything falls apart, including me.

Have you seen a psychiatrist recently for a medication evaluation? Sometimes you can't really make good progress in therapy until you get on the right meds. This has been the case for me anyway. If I'm not on the right meds or not on meds at all, I can't even think let alone do therapy that goes anywhere.

If it was me in this situation (and it has been, trust me), I would call my shrink or find a good one and evaluate (or reevaluate) my medication.

Good luck and God bless. I know it feels like it will never get better right now but it will. Just keep doing the next right thing and try to stop beating up on yourself.