[madisgram]

this is a long post. thank you for taking the time to read this.
it's too long for me to explain all of it. a synopsis: my brother has always disliked me even in our youth. he's 20 months older than me. him the oldest, me the next out of 4 of us. he has an unhealthy co-dependent relationship with one of my younger sisters. whatever she tells him about me he believes. she is passive agressive towards me. he is brutally verbal and outwardly unkind to me.
recently i severed ties with my sister. i handled it by just not making any contact with her anymore to protect myself. there is no percentage in confronting her about her behaviors. (years ago she stole my monetary inheirantance and has never acknowleged her debt even tho i asked her many times to repay me. my entire family knew she did this but no one stepped up to the plate for me. it is too late to sue her).
i have tried to move on with my life tho it deeply hurts me to be treated this way. my brother continues to directly impact my life negatively even tho i do not converse with him anymore. he is relentless.
my sister tries to drive a wedge between my son and i. she too is relentless about my son and sometime succeeds. in time i am able to restore my relationship with my son tho he chooses to not speak up for me to everyone. in therapy i was told this would be the healthier response by him. but i have no control over why he doesn't do this. she also has denied to everyone that she owes me money. their reaction is non-supportive to me.
it is incredibly painful for me. it creates severe depression in me when a new thing arrives on the horizon. i never can anticipate another event. that is why i stay away from my brother and sister. not to be mean but to try to protect myself.
if i had my choice i wish i could blast away at them for trying to make my life so miserable...and why??!!?? but i know that there's no success in doing so. quoting my brother..."your mean and venomous hatred behavior toward family members"..etc. in reality i have no reason to criticize myself in how i have behaved towards them. i have not been unkind even when they stomp on me.
i know anger turned inward=depression. i know i take "blame" where i am not to blame. i was the scapegoat in my family growing up. i would say there's a pink elephant in the room! i learned in therapy that this caused them to be mad at me cause i acknowledged the dysfunction rather than pretend there was none.
i understand all these dynamics yet i still respond to these triggers. i know i have done nothing bad but i still internalize this negative reaction towards myself rather than the source from whence it came.
today is another day to be upset again due to a recent occurance. try as i do the depression is overwhelming. i find i can't overcome this reaction. i am always fearful of what they will comjure up next. "next" always comes.
distance from them doesn't work.
what can i do? all the many sessions in therapy about this has not enabled me to overcome this. it causes me to be very fearful of them.

[Kymaro]

Geez - family troubles are the worse I think, of all the people that should be there the most for you are against you. I think ur right to distant yourself from them. Even maybe your son too needs to be removed from the situation. Do you "have" to live close to everone or do you have the option of moving far far way? My parents did that as my fathers step-dad was very abusive and the first chance he got he was gone. I never knew my "grand-parents" which was hard, but from the history I hear, it was probably the safest idea for me.

Good luck and your right to limit any contact with them. sometimes the squicky (sp) wheel get the attention but not always the right type.

Personally I would write my brother a letter telling him you want no more to do with him.

Then my sister.

Then to my son I would say.... "I choose not to talk to them its my life and I will do as I please, its your choice if you listen to the lies told you about me by them just as its my choice to love you no matter what you decide to do.

I would then refuse to discuss with my son the people you have CHOSEN to have no more to do with.

Then let the cards fall where they will.

Remember not to discuss with anyone your reasons if you dont want to. You owe them nothing.

Hello, madisgram. My thought is to print your post for your therapist. You have a lot going on with your family. Sometimes what is best for you is difficult to determine without an objective "eye." I wish you well.

[lavieenrose]

(((((((Madisgram))))))), I feel deep empathy for you in those family dynamics. They are very similar to my family experience. I also was the one who commented on the dysfunction among my parents and brother, a lifelong drug addict, who always scapegoated me (he was adopted and I was born 5 years later). They would form coalitions against me because I would not silently accept their meanness, manipulation and lack of boundaries. I had to stop contact with my mother in the last 2 years of her life because of her toxic effect on me. My brother met a rich woman 27 years ago, and never worked again, while I live in poverty. So be it.

I really feel for the pain you're in. I wish there was an easy solution. I hope that you can protect yourself and insulate yourself from your family in any way you can. There's no controlling your son's thinking, only hope that he eventually matures more and becomes less pliable in their hands.

[lonegael]

Madisgram, good points, and I would add, just as a reminder, that in your son's hearing I would refrain from speaking at all about them, good or ill. How old is he? Do you have decent relations with ANY one in you family which prevent you from simply cutting off connections and letting yourself heal? Is there some way that you can agree with this person not to bring up the brother's and sister's problems, so that you aren't talking about them there either? It seems the less said about and done with these folks, the better. Hugggs.

[madisgram]

i appreciate your thoughts, "lone". yes, i have broken all ties with family except with my son. the suggestion re telling my son that i don't want him to bring them up-i need to stress that to him again. it would provide a buffer for me if i just didn't know anything. usually he's criticizing them too so i don't know why he continues any relationship with them but it's his choice. he's 40 this april. he also keeps a healthy distance from them but does have contact occasionally. i just haven't responded when he tells me something but he needs to stop altogether with me.
i have taken byz's advice and have printed out my thread for T. i see her on the 10th. i know i need her help too to hopefully emotionally come to terms with my reaction to them-depression-and truely move on. it is has been going on too long, over 20 years with the intensity. need a healthy way to let go and heal as you mentioned. thanks for your kind words.