I was mad and hurt.Over a few things.One I was plain assuming....the other...I get so triggered sometimes in forums.I hope one day I won't be so sensitive.I hate being my diagnosis's.I have nothing I can do except apologize.I am sorry to have hurt anyone.I am unwell.I am ashamed.I have to rebuild my profile page.I will be posting.Probably slipping on moods no doubt.Beginning to really wonder about me.I change forms like water does from water to mist to ice to flakes.Nothing I can do about it.Know me at your own risk.Apparently I am not in control...this makes how many times?Point is,I have been crying since last night off and on and I am very sorry for any injuries I caused.

Please take care of yourself, wolfsong.

[googley]

((((((((((Wolfsong))))))))))))))

I'm sorry things are so hard right now.

[Travelinglady]

(((Wolfsong))) I wasn't on your friends' list, but I'll be your friend here now. Hope things will get better!

[Can't Stop Crying]

Thinking of you! We all have rough times. Lean on your PC friends to get through this!

[lynn P.]

((wolfsong))) - I clicked on your profile..all I see is a black background. Is this just my computer or is this your profile? I hope you feel better soon.

I did it to my profile Lynn...I seriously freaked.I will fix it.((((((Thank you to every one who has replied.)))))....I will fix my profile.In a really short time.

[eskielover]

Often times we allow our emotional self to find it's way into the control position without our rational self getting a chance to input anything before our emotional self acts.....it's just something that happens to most of us at one time of another.

Understanding how it happens & glad that your rational self has come back to claim it's ground.

When we allow both to work together that's when we come up with our wise determination of what to do.....but much of the time, it's very difficult to do.......more times than not, our emotional self wins out.

Glad you are seeing what happened & are able to pull both sides together now.....you will be ok....many times we are able to learn from these situations.....learn better how our emotional self works & what we can do in the future to deal with it in a more calm & logical way.....the next time.

Don't worry, what's in the past is past, what's in the future is tomorrow & the only thing you have right now is what you have learned from the past & learn how better to care for ourselves in the future.

May you feel peace & calm & know that understanding & caring is here no matter what you might have done.

[greylove]

((((((wolfie)))))) You'll never lose us.......we're all in this together........for the good and the bad times. Don't put any one of us on your list of things to worry about........you are so loved for who you are. Hugs and grey

Eskie ,

I wanted to reply in proper...and yesterday I was too caught in more new despair to focus on this.But I didn't break yesterday.I was very strong and dealt with the new pain very adult-like.I didn't over-react.I did good.

Emotional self...generally takes the driver seat after the repression of issues which arise ...where I dealt with it in a self-less way until ...I end up in a whirlwind of residual suppressed pain which then explodes.My bad.If I didn't do that ...I'd not have these episodes.But it is much more complicated to avoid occurring than presently I find me able to navigate.

Your words comforted me...because before I read that...I was so self-berating...I should have been charged with assault & battery of the self...lol.

I agree...reflection is a very constructive action.Thank you for encouraging me.All I have is p.c I would be in the ground perhaps without it...lol...sometimes I think I will be in the ground for it....ugh....

Again...thank you very much for the comfort and encouragement of your words.Please don't think I mean that lightly....I do not.

Genuinely,Wolf

[lavieenrose]

Wolfsong, I'm so sorry that you're experiencing these tidal waves of emotion. I know them well, and it really, well, sucks. Sometimes, I'm filled with such shame and despair that I want to pull up stakes and run away. I can tell that you're well loved here, and friends will stick by you.

[Omers]

Wolfie, my dear friend,
I haven't been around much so I missed all the intensity and fireworks.

Control is an illusion & you are more than your diagnosis.

I ride a 1,000lb horse with two tiny threads of string tied to a bit of metal in its mouth I gently pull the strings left and right and pretend I am in control... REALLY?!?!?! this thing weighs 800+ Lbs more than me? It could run off, kick, bite, rear... lets be real here!
Life is no different... only a more complex dance.

I have a small white cat (see avitar) He carries a diagnosis of Deaf. His very name is D.C. "Deaf cat". At night he sleeps with the top of his heat tight against the floor. DC is the first to hear me get up in the morning even though he sleeps downstairs in his kennel. As soon as I awake he yowls his morning greeting "MOM... I gotta Pee!!!". Then the others know I am awake.

You know where to find me.

I wanted to thank you two.I was away .Lavieen ,I guess life sucks for all of us at one or another time.I wish us better days....O.omerrzzz......Hugzz.Hit me up.~W~

I will never have someone who loves me.Sadly,I also think I have never been loved.Not real, actual love.I am a good woman.I am such G dam pansy too.Caring for humans who can't see past themselves.Of course I see my faults.As if they were under a microscope.But I also know me.I have within me a perfect love...pure...forgiving....sacred....scarce....sacrificing.Yet it stands alone.There is no recipient.It matches itself to things which cannot reciprocate innately,faithfully,selflessly,equally.I was destined to be this.....object.Does love exist?Outside me?I have it within...I pass it out.I give it and want so little in return.Just to have significance....to matter....for just a short span of time inside an eon.It is too much to hope for.I just want to make a dent in the worlds pain.Wrap my arms around someone who revels in my significance ....as I revel in theirs.Yet,I am endlessly exposed to emotional/spiritual craters.My energies so scattered atop so many acres of land....that I can't plow a bed for one flower.I don't want to die with the ability to love epically...and the history of being ...just had.I want to figure this out.How I can create what I want.And for those who know what I mean in my following statement...it happened again.I am downright sick of it.So I am filing Monday.Because there has to be peace ...somewhere...and though I don't know where my feet,or fate will carry me since he won't even make the camper doable...I know life will unfold like a scroll where my life is already written.I will never share my heart with another human so long as I live.I will love ....but not this ......beautiful....lovely love...no more.No.If I give so much...so much can be squandered as well.Soon,I will have just the threads of my broken cloth.

[Gilead]

Originally Posted by wolfsong

I will never have someone who loves me.Sadly,I also think I have never been loved.Not real, actual love.I am a good woman.I am such G dam pansy too.Caring for humans who can't see past themselves.Of course I see my faults.As if they were under a microscope.But I also know me.I have within me a perfect love...pure...forgiving....sacred....scarce....sacrificing.Yet it stands alone.There is no recipient.It matches itself to things which cannot reciprocate innately,faithfully,selflessly,equally.I was destined to be this.....object.Does love exist?Outside me?I have it within...I pass it out.I give it and want so little in return.Just to have significance....to matter....for just a short span of time inside an eon.It is too much to hope for.I just want to make a dent in the worlds pain.Wrap my arms around someone who revels in my significance ....as I revel in theirs.Yet,I am endlessly exposed to emotional/spiritual craters.My energies so scattered atop so many acres of land....that I can't plow a bed for one flower.I don't want to die with the ability to love epically...and the history of being ...just had.I want to figure this out.How I can create what I want.And for those who know what I mean in my following statement...it happened again.I am downright sick of it.So I am filing Monday.Because there has to be peace ...somewhere...and though I don't know where my feet,or fate will carry me since he won't even make the camper doable...I know life will unfold like a scroll where my life is already written.I will never share my heart with another human so long as I live.I will love ....but not this ......beautiful....lovely love...no more.No.If I give so much...so much can be squandered as well.Soon,I will have just the threads of my broken cloth.

W,

I disagree. You are loved. Perhaps not in all of the ways you'd like or need. But, you are loved for who you are, the things you say and the peace you provide through your words. When the time is right you will know it whether it's Monday or 100 Mondays away you'll know.

Now about that.....other thing....

Me

[Can't Stop Crying]

Wolfsong - I am thinking of you...I know about the other thing too. If I ever find the answer, I will let you know. Hang in there! I'm sorry things are so rough right now!

[sundog]

(((((((Wolfie))))))))) I get really triggered in certain forums here too and I just have to avoid those triggers as much as I can (thank goodness there is a way to block things here!!). I can definitely relate to having the reaction of wanting to delete oneself from a site. I've done that before on other sites. I think many people can understand that reaction and have felt similar things themselves.

I'm really glad you're still here and I'm really glad to be friends again. Sending you tons and tons of love and hugs

Thank you my darling ((((Sunny D)))))....you don't know what you do for me.Huge hugggzzz

((((CSC))))....sweetheart you've got your precious hands full honey.Take care of you.

Me.........I dunno.Just seems transitory in my field of vision atm ...the future unfolds like a flower......time will tell.Something's gotta give.

He won't put the camper...and I have no where to go.No one to be my guardian angel.Even if I weren't so alone in this...and I had someone to companion me in this world...it'd fall apart too.I am so depressed.I feel so alone.I feel I am just an empty body and my soul is already gone.Just waiting for my body to die too.I worry when I post like this ppl will be afraid to come to me for support.Don't be afraid.I can support.

[sundog]

(((((((((((((((((Wolfie))))))))))))))))))))))))) I know you need more than cyber hugs right now but I'm sending you some anyway I wish I could do more to help

Awwwe Sun Doggehhh....What you and so many others do here for me is simply irreplaceable.....Never be in doubt....and thank you from the depths of my heart.

[BloomBloom]

Hi wolfsong,
When I read "i erased all my friends again" it screamed out to me cause of a bad episode of mixed states, today I tried to break up with my best friend via text for not too big a thing and the shame and assuming and apologizing I completely understand. Today is my first time on this site as I just registered and am looking for support as well. Today convinced me I need like-minded help.

Soooo many awesome people here!!!.....Welcome Welcome!!Bloom Bloom!!