[xdearlifex]

I feel like there is nothing good about me. Two days ago I had a talking to with my ex gf about how I feel worthless. I'm staying at her place until I find a place of my own (I move in in a week), and I've been feeling guilty the entire time I've been here. To make matters worse, I've just begun a really depressive phase and I'm having a lot of trouble pulling out. Tonight was my worst attack in a while. I know a guy who read Don Quixote in portugese when he was 10. He's the most impressive person I've ever met, and he's had a hard life too. Recently, he's been studying Greek, for fun. When I think about him, I feel so worthless I want to stick my head in the oven (don't call the police, if it were that serious I'd say so). In an effort to make myself into a more talented, worthwhile and happy person, I've started drawing again. After my last crappy night, two nights ago, my ex gave me a talking to about trying harder at this project of mine (drawing), which made me happy for a day or so because I was really trying to plug away at it. Tonight I thought about that guy I know again, and I ended up in her room, laying on her bed. I wanted to tell her what I was feeling, but since that pep talk (2 nights ago) I wanted to give her the impression that what she had said had made a real impact on who I am (it hadn't), and I quickly apologized to her under my breathe and left to go out on the balcony. I cried and felt like a complete bastard for what I was doing to my ex, coming into her room and trying to get her attention, acting like I wanted help when really I'm just a drama queen trying to get attention from my depression instead of from something actually worthwhile. My aunt had told me in a previous phone call that I "thrived" on drama, and the more I think about it the worse I feel. I sat on the balcony, feeling like I was just sobbing because I wanted attention to make up for how useless I am. To compound this, it turns out the window was open, and she and her roommate had heard me. I heard a brief conversation between the two about how i'm "pushing her buttons", though I may have not heard her right. She was purposefully ignoring me, and this made me realize that I was right, and I had been making her life hard. To make up for this, I went back into the apartment while frantically whispering "I'm sorry" as I handwashed all the dishes in her sink (there weren't very many). When I was done she came out of her room and hugged me. I asked her why she was hugging me, I pretended not to notice that she was, and then I asked her if she'd heard me outside. She said she had, and I started to hit my head against the cabinets. When she prevented me from doing this any more than I already had, I started hitting myself with my unrestrained hand until she stopped that one. I told her I was sorry and that I was going to move out so she wouldn't have to deal with me anymore. Then when I realized she was hugging me I pushed her away and curled up into a ball on the floor while sobbing and hyperventilating. I felt so bad for what I was doing to her at that moment, I couldn't stop apologizing. She didn't need to come out there and give a damn about me. It was all my fault for being worthless, for not being able to accept that I'm worthless, for being a drama queen, etc. I felt bad that I was both using her couch, and using her for emotional support, support she said she wanted to give, but I was and am sure she would rather not give. I think this because it's hard for me to give that to my friends who are in trouble like I was. I feel like all I do is take and I never give anything back. My ex tried to make me feel better, but I refused all of it. She shouldn't have to take care of me, she's already done so much and I don't deserve it anyway, seeing as how I've wasted every opportunity to make myself a useful person. I didn't learn portugese when I was a kid, I didn't learn how to do anything remotely useful. I sat on my butt and played video games and I'm going to die a loser because I'm still incapable of doing anything useful at this point in my life. I'm too complacent in sitting on the couch and watching movies, and I'm too tired to do anything that would make me feel like a failure if I screw it up (I will). I'm getting too scared to leave the apartment at this point, and now that I'm moving out I know I'm going to let my roommate and my parents down by failing to get a job. I suck.

[Leed]

You DON'T suck, you are NOT a failure, you CAN find a job and keep it!! You have no proof that you are a failure or that you suck, so please stop putting yourself down like that. I know you feel terrible ~ you need some professional help -- a therapist who you can talk to who can help you thru this. Do you have a therapist? You should have if you don't. Please get a referral from your doctor to a good therapist who can help you. I've been thru therapy most of my adult life, and believe me, it's worth the time!!!

You're not a drama queen or worthless!!! You have not proof of that either. Just because a family member or someone called you that doesn't mean that it's true!!! Some people are jealous -- so they throw names at people.

If you can't afford a therapist, call your county Mental health services and see if they have a psychologist on staff -- many times they'll offer sessions based on ability to pay.

I wish you the very best ~ remember, you're a bright, nice, caring, compassionate person!!! WE have proof right here. God bless & keep us posted. Hugs, Lee

[madisgram]

depression draws a distorted picture of what and who we really are. that's where you are now. might i suggest you contact a crisis hotline ASAP? if you can't afford a therapist they can/may refer u to a free MH clinic. based on what i read i don't feel you can do this alone. you need help as i once did. if there's no MH clinic can you go see your GP? he may be able to help you too.
i'm sorry you feel so down, glad you posted this thread. don't give up. get help. hope you will keep us posted and know we care.

[lynn P.]

I'm sorry you feel so down on yourself and you recieved great advice so far. Are you recieving treatment like therapy o rmedication. Everyone has moments in their lives when things aren't going well and we have to depend on the kindness of others. I agree you're currently not seeing things clearly because of your depression. You shouldn't evaluate your success or lack of success when you're at a low point.

ATM you need to be patient with yourself and take things one step at a time. I know of one positve thing - you're incredibly lucky to have an ex GF who cares enough to help you - that's awesome, so try to be grateful for this. Treat yourself like you would a good friend, therefore don't mentally or physically abuse yourself. You can get through this with some help and patience. Please contact your doctor and I hope you feel better soon.

[Open Eyes]

Wow, xdearlifex,
I hope you are listening to this advice. People who have learned how to ask for help and feel better now. What do you think of that?

You are being too hard on yourself. And everything you are saying is YOU NEED PROFESSIONAL HELP. It doesn't mean your a failure, you are just very confused and need someone to help you put things into perspective with you.

Others want to reach out to you, but they don't know how, they are not professionals that can give you real explainations and teach you how to overcome your feelngs of LOW SELF WORTH AND LOW SELF ESTEEM. What you have occurs all the time not just in you, but others as well.

It is not about drawing a picture or comparing yourself to others. And it is not about what you did or didn't learn. It is about what you need to understand to feel better about your life. A therapist can help with this imensely.

Open Eyes

[itsuno]

you draw? great!
ill elaborate, i feel like a peace of ****, worthless etc (im trying to give advice so dont give it to me, atleast not in this tread) but i make pictures on my computer, at first i compared to the other 200 people who made digital art but that just enhanced the feeling of worthlessness. i wanted to be as good as they wanted and looked around for tutorials, learned different techniques etc in the end i felt good because i had improved and also because i at some point didnt compare myself with the others

so in short:
* Self improvement (try to compete with yourself instead of others)
* dont compare yourself with others (if you need to compare, then compare an old piece of drawing with a new one)
* if you notice that you got better, celebrate it, allow yourself to feel good about it

Here is a motto or mantra that i use
"I am myself and i walk at my own pace"

i hope that my post was helpful for you and that you get better