Life is like that isn't it?

I have just sat with my dog Millie, while she died. She was 14 years old and we used to be the best of friends. For the last few years, I have been unable to feel anything for her - during that time I have tried so hard to stroke her and feel that warmth in my heart, but it just never came back and now it is too late.

I feel glad that I was at least able to be with her and stroke her while she died. I am feeling so sad that she has died, but mostly for the time I have lost with her over the last few years - I hope she forgives me.

I am also trying to be with how I am feeling now - crying - wanting to escape these feelings, but trying to accept them and not going off to get rid of them by doing other things. And I guess by posting this, at least I am trying to talk about how I feel and not dismiss it or bottle it up - it is so hard though.

((((((SoupDragon)))))))&(((((((((Millie))))))))))----I have had to sit with my precious dogs and watch them go; some, I had taken to the vet and had put down whilst I held them.
There was a cat I had when I was about ten...I held her as she passed of distemper.
Then there were the two Rottys I had been given whom neighbors had poisoned with anti-freeze--they went so fast...immediate Kidney Failure.

It is so very hard to feel everything all at once, I think we just handle some of it at a time....otherwise we couldn't handle it at all. Another homeostatic function of our wonderous spirits; not unlike the homeostasis of our physical being.

Sounds like you have been stuffing many feelings for a long time. You have kept yourself numb perhaps, so that you do not have to deal with it all.

You are a Nurse......we are good at cracking a joke about something that would horrify others...but then, they do not deal with human misery for a living. I found it the only way to cope on the job. "Stamp up the toe tags, I'll be back to help ya in 5 let's call it a wrap!" ha ha Sensitivity, compassion, and kindness are integral components of a truly good Nurse. They, by the same token, make us so much more hurt by the pain of others...to cope, we must develop callouses, and learn to "stuff"
(I call it that) our true feelings.

Been watching you --you are attempting to feel it all---something inside you is telling you it's time to open up the floodgates. That means you are ready. (it has happened to me this way)

I am certain that you will be most capable of grieving everything, including (((((Millie's))))) death..........

I needed the help of a therapist--the right one (too many wrong ones out there) to help me through much of my grief.

I am sooo sorry you had this happen tonight,,you are in my thoughts---Pax--theo

Thank-you so much for this Theo - it has made me cry again, but I know that is a good thing right now and not something to be afraid of.

I am so sorry for your loss. I have also sat with a beloved pet while he was dying and the pain is so deep and so real. Sending you gentle caring hugs. Wish I could do more.