[moonbeam2]

i woke up today with thoughts of getting stuff done its a beautifull day out ! i thought i can do something in the house like clean it needs it bad & then go weed the yard well a few hrs past & i havent done anything yet im starting to cry & i blaming mtself for being a looser i cant take it no more why cant i get anything done am i lazy why if i continue to cry i defintly wont get anything done whats it gonna take ? what do i tell myself ?im looseing my mind imtrapt i set myself up for failure all the time i look around see a mees & i say its my fault it looks like that ,its my fault its that bad why me why this disease or is it not the bipolar i dont know what to think or how to think if i fall now its gonna be bad i dont wanna please someone let me no what to do or maybe just saport im falling & i cant get out oh no oh no not today i wanna be usefull i dont wanna be a useless person that dosent have the right to be here if i cant give back i feel like im wasting space no rights to walk the earth i do nobody good

[racee]

okay this is what my therapist says to me because i am constantly upset with myself to the point i hate myself cause i don't think i ever do to much.
you are doing the right amount for you. there is no scale on which people are judged by what they do and don't do.
and there is no specific guideline to how much you need to do by the end of the day. getting out of bed is one thing, you may think it's not by to some and to me sometimes thats a huge step and sometimes thats all i can accomplish in one day. try just picking up one or two things, or just tackling one room, or even do something smaller wipe off a counter.
getting up takeing a shower and getting dressed theres a whole lot right there, think small not big, i think big then get flustered and then everything is half done or it gives me all anxiety and then im in a spiral just thinking about it all. think really small and go from there

Today i got up got dreesed took my nephew to campk and went to the grocery store.
my house is a mess, no really it is, my rooom looks like a tornado you can't steep anywhere, and my bathroom is horrid yuck! and my kitchen is well it wouldn't pass health inspection. my other wo obligations are picking my nephew up and going to a pain class. and that's it i'm not doing anything else. look at what i typed i'm doing A LOT! i don't need to be ms. overachiever. i just need to do what i can when i can

[Elana05]

Dear moonbeam,

Try not to be so hard on yourself. Living with depression is very hard. It is like living with any other disease. There are good days and bad days. Depression sucks energy out of you - where does it even go? Who knows. But I know the feeling you speak of exactly. My mind is telling me what I should get done but my body can't move. Take a deep breath.
Sometimes a small cup of coffee or strong black tea helps me for a little energy. Maybe wash 1 cup or 1 dish or pull 1 weed. But don't beat yourself up!
You are important. You are SO much (infinitely) more important than the house or the yard. Why not take a cup of something and just sit outside since it is a nice day?

Sending supportive thoughts your way.

The day isn't over yet.Perhaps do something small every hour,or two?Perhaps do some self-care,....shower...eat....put some nice music on....and get back to your goal?Maybe you won't do ALL of what you intended...but...even a bit will bring more peace than none? Messes happen.That isn't a fault.Calling yourself a loser won't help in any way and is self-defeating.There's no point in it.Walk away from it for a short time,grab a beverage...have a bath...and get back to it.Do something small.

[Rose76]

Hello Moonbeam, You are obviously very depressed. That makes it very hard to do the least little thing. I've been that way to where I wouldn't have the ambition to brush my teeth, let alone pull weeds in the yard.

Some persons who have a history of recurrent depression get kind of like a sense of the on-coming of a downturn. I have experienced that. I sometimes call my downturns "tailspins." It truly feels like losing the ability to decide what to do and follow through on the decision. It's like being in a car on an icy road and the car has started to fishtail and i can't steer. I just go where the "slide" takes me. What I'm trying to emphasize is the loss of being effectively in the drivers seat, and, instead, the depression is in the driver's seat and the depressed individual is just going for the ride that is going (or not going) as the depression determines.

You may be blaming yourself because you believe that you could be in control if you just really made up your mind to be. Depression can rob you of the ability to have anything close to that kind of self-control. I don't think people usually cry when they feel lazy. But when depression has control and you feel like you can't determine what you are going to do, then the crying is normal because people do tend to cry when they feel powerless.

You have standards for yourself that you expect to live up to. That means you have character. A sick person can't do what normally would be doable when the person is well. Depression can get you as laid up as a broken leg. Don't underestimate what you are up against.

Being sick does not mean a person doesn't have a right to be here. There have been people in history, like Hitler, who thought that sick people should be exterminated. That thinking was, and is, evil. You have a right to stay here and be assisted in finding recovery. Only after some recovery has taken place will you be able to get things done that you feel you should get done.

You might have treatment resistant depression. That occurs to me because of how scared you sound about "falling." A history of recurrent episodes of "falling" can be a sign of TRD.

Are you getting any treatment? Have you ever gotten any? Even if you are, that doesn't guarantee that these "tailspins" won't come along and take you down where you desperately don't want to go.

Even if you are just getting worse, try to keep posting. You'll have a record of what you are going through. Feedback from members may help. You are important even just the way you are now. People with sickness are important and deserve support. We will all face sickness of some kind eventually.

[moonbeam2]

i thank everyone who gave me advice it was really nice to here that people care & take the time to reach out & help people it doese help alot for me to have suport from people that may have the same problems i do & they understnd me were no one eles does im so glad i found this websight im forever gratfull god was looking out for me thanks alot !

[moonbeam2]

thanks for taking the time to give me suport it means alot to me & i will take 1 step at a time ! thank you !

[cin1]

Originally Posted by moonbeam2

i woke up today with thoughts of getting stuff done its a beautifull day out ! i thought i can do something in the house like clean it needs it bad & then go weed the yard well a few hrs past & i havent done anything yet im starting to cry & i blaming mtself for being a looser i cant take it no more why cant i get anything done am i lazy why if i continue to cry i defintly wont get anything done whats it gonna take ? what do i tell myself ?im looseing my mind imtrapt i set myself up for failure all the time i look around see a mees & i say its my fault it looks like that ,its my fault its that bad why me why this disease or is it not the bipolar i dont know what to think or how to think if i fall now its gonna be bad i dont wanna please someone let me no what to do or maybe just saport im falling & i cant get out oh no oh no not today i wanna be usefull i dont wanna be a useless person that dosent have the right to be here if i cant give back i feel like im wasting space no rights to walk the earth i do nobody good

you do have every right to walk the earth, because you are here. just do one thing , be proud of that and go to the next. there is time. cin