Running it through again...always leads to anger.

Hi, folks.

I'm new around here, brought to this point by the loss of a friend to anorexia. (Now I should explain that we never physically met, only knew one another online.) Whilst she was still alive, I didn't really deal with the emotions I felt, because on the occasions when she was hospitalised (3x I think - medical intervention required at least twice to keep her here) I felt so damn scared. Ironically enough, what I was scared of was this exact situation. Now it's come to pass, I'm more angry than anything, running the small details through my head always leads me to 'why? why the heck did you decide that it wasn't worth it?' (I know, in part, because she lost her fiancé to cancer in 2007...but I still can't get my head around how anorexia works, and I think that's what's bringing me to this point with all the ******* anger.)

I'd really appreciate any support in dealing with this,

LOTT

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) I don't know much about anorexia myself, but do understand the loss and anger you feel. I lost my partner 8years ago and still get angry about the unjustice in how and when one dies. some people will do everything in their power to die when they have a great life awaiting them and others have their life snatched away well before they are ready to go, it just is not right. I have come to the conclusion that we can't choose when anyone dies, all one can do is try to make the most of the time we have and try to make a difference by lessons learned by those who have passed away before us.
I'm here if you want to talk xx

Thanks for writing, yellowted. It's maddening to feel this angry, because I know that I'm not going to get anywhere with the process until I let go of it. I know exactly what it is, though. There was only ever time to be petrified each time she was hospitalised, and no time to vent with the obvious response, because I felt like I had to be upbeat, when all the time I wanted to swear.

Hugs to you lost on the trail. I'm not sure what to suggest. I don't know much on the subject. 2 years ago i lost a old high school bud to suicide, which in ways still bothers me but it has reminded me of how many ppl are effected by such an act even if one does not think so. I was angry at him and myself for a bit and it still comes and goes. What if questions come to my mind. I never will know so i can't dwell on it either. I tried to grow from it, the realization i said before hits home for me. I take what actions my bud did and remember if i did id be hurtin the same and more ppl than i realize. Its sad some cant see they are inabled to. And like i was told with the what if questions- What if i did stay in closer touch, he could had just lingered till 30 to do it or not. Who really knows? I know how it feels to want to bring an up roar to some one but be up beat. I do this with my brother in a sick way i think i'm bettering him by saying no i am not mad you lie about your drug use. I just know with him it will push him further away. I use myself as example for him ie i don't need pot right now i need to talk. Drugs were so chaotic for me. There are times i am straight talk with him of it doesn't help anything. My point is - what can any of us really do if the individual doesn't want to listen or with our reaction pushes them away? Who knows? I try to remember good times with my high school bud some times i "talk to him" and my with my bro i hope i never get news, but i've tried to talk and now trying to lead by example in a way. We do the best, but if one can not look out of the box then we can't force them to, no matter how much pain is brought. I'm sorry for rambling and if it makes no sense. But i wish you well. Perhaps talking with others could help?

Thanks for your insight, beauflow.