[Callmebj]

Hi,I came from a family that was terribly disfunctional; as I know many of you did. I thought my family was crazy and everyone else was normal. I did have some highly functional people to see the comparatives with and that was a good thing I believe. I feared being as disfunctional as my parents,especially my mother with her mental illness.

I am now much, much older. I went throught several stages of transition through life. My first reaction from the abuse and distrust of my parenting, resulting in my becoming tough, setting up high walls keeping any hurt out.
I was one tough cookie and don't tread on me signals radiated from me.

For some reason, I have had a real mind set about anyone feeling sorry for me or pity of any kind. I was a victim; but never, never wanted to be weak, so admitting victimization was something I was too proud to accept and still own that feeling today.

I have seen many people live that opposite role. One of the most memorable victims I met is when I was substituting in a Vo-tech school for several weeks. A young man, twenties who had a good job as an EMT was being retrained because he had gotten on drugs. His excuse for doing drugs was his father had abandoned him. How can a person live under
the idea that they are MADE to do bad things because of another's actions? Is responsibility for yourself given away because of trauma? How can someone make things worse for themselves by giving away personal choices, personal responsibility for someone else's bad choices?

I was, bitten, hit, hair pulled, insulted, demoralized by my mother's seemingly hatred for me. That woman cannot have ever won I believed in making me feel unworthy (except for that moment in time). Do I have scars yes, but I also know that if you lie down and accept victimization you will never be a victor. EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO VICTORY IN THIS LIFE, justice from life, no. That's the just world syndrome...and a just world does not and never will exist. The more trials you have the stronger you get and the more you grow. If trials of life has you helpless, think again.

I apologize for this sounding preachy. but have observed those that have
quit life's tests, and become helpless. God help them because they have unlearned how to function!

For those with true chemical unbalances and mental illness this is not
mean't to make you feel responsible for your problems...my empathy to those who suffered like my mom.

[Ygrec23]

Hey, BJ! Same type of family as yours, same type of crazy mother, and the same "not a victim" perspective on life and development.

I've had several years now to learn from therapy and get some perspective on what happened and how it happened and what that means to me now. That kind of learning has nothing at all to do with being a victim. On the contrary, really understanding, psychologically, what went on at the time, has helped me immeasurably in not being a victim. Being a victim is just something I don't have to worry about any more. And I'm sure you can do the same if you so choose.

No, there were no victims in my family. One brother was a heroin addict, another a drunk for forty years. But they didn't want to be seen as victims. And I respect that. They both finally managed to straighten themselves out. Me, I did it with therapy. They did it with AA and NA. Didn't matter. Same result.

There are people on this website who don't have a problem being victims and many who do. You'll see. You've already been around a while. (Your profile page lists a respectable number of posts.) But there are plenty who feel just like you do.

Victory. Yes. Everyone is indeed entitled to victory in their own life. There are just different definitions of victory. For me, victory means not being a slave to psychological moods that make it hard or impossible for me to function in daily life. And with the aid of therapy over the last several years I've attained that kind of victory and hope to improve it in the future. Victory may mean something else to you. But whatever it means to you, I'll bet you can find it through the kind of self-insight afforded you by therapy and participation on this websight.

Take care.

[Callmebj]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hey, BJ! Same type of family as yours, same type of crazy mother, and the same "not a victim" perspective on life and development.

I've had several years now to learn from therapy and get some perspective on what happened and how it happened and what that means to me now. That kind of learning has nothing at all to do with being a victim. On the contrary, really understanding, psychologically, what went on at the time, has helped me immeasurably in not being a victim. Being a victim is just something I don't have to worry about any more. And I'm sure you can do the same if you so choose.

No, there were no victims in my family. One brother was a heroin addict, another a drunk for forty years. But they didn't want to be seen as victims. And I respect that. They both finally managed to straighten themselves out. Me, I did it with therapy. They did it with AA and NA. Didn't matter. Same result.

There are people on this website who don't have a problem being victims and many who do. You'll see. You've already been around a while. (Your profile page lists a respectable number of posts.) But there are plenty who feel just like you do.

Victory. Yes. Everyone is indeed entitled to victory in their own life. There are just different definitions of victory. For me, victory means not being a slave to psychological moods that make it hard or impossible for me to function in daily life. And with the aid of therapy over the last several years I've attained that kind of victory and hope to improve it in the future. Victory may mean something else to you. But whatever it means to you, I'll bet you can find it through the kind of self-insight afforded you by therapy and participation on this websight.

Take care.

Thank you, I see the subtle difference there and glad you brought it to my attention. I got the first of my T, just very recently, and realize I need more. Hopefully that will come into fruition before long.

I think by marrying and rearing children, that I was too busy to really
work with my emotional problems, plus financially many times it would have
not been possible. Thank you again for your wise posting. Being tough alone is not enough, too many little wrong attitudes get in the way from the past.

[Leed]

You are so right! Both my parents were alcoholics, and all 4 of us girls were abused by being ignored. We got absolutely NO love, NO hugs, NO pats on the back for getting good grades, etc. No, we weren't beated, cause in their eyes we weren't even THERE.

Unfortunately I became an alcoholic myself -- something I swore I wouldn't do. I drank for over 20 years, and heavily. And BOY did I play the victim. LOL If it wasn't my parents fault, it was my husbands. He was abusive too, ya see.

I'd finally had enough and went to AA and got sober. There I learned that I was NOT the victim -- that I had choices!!! What a concept! Who would have thought?!! LOL And they also told me I had to make amends! YIKES Well, I did -- and it worked out great.

Today I'm no victim -- I'm responsible for my actions. I can choose what I do or don't do --- not just with alcohol, but with everything in life. I'm also disabled now, but I HATE pity and won't accept it!
It just takes me longer to do things.

And yes I suffer from Depression, but with medications and my own determination I can fight that too! I'm Irish & stubborn.

Thanks Callmebj for a great post! Hugs, Lee

[Callmebj]

Congrats Leed on claiming your own VICTORY and for your kind words.