[eternaldreamer]

I feel I need to begin putting my issues in front of me, creating a list or something like that, so there we go:
1. I hate that my husband is out of work for 3,5 years and Its only me who has to cope with financial issues!
2. I hate that because of issue #1 we have to live with my mom and although she is only helping and I love her I cannot create my own space and sometimes she is so overwhelming.
3. I am tired after work and I find it difficult to cope the mother role (I have a 1,5 year old)
4. I am not sure, but I think now I am a mother I am loosing my identity as a person.
5. I am overwhelmed sometimes and feel like ii need to break free run away somewhere and me and everyone else would be better off.

There at least some of the things that bother me, I also think I have ADHD but tha would have to be diagnosed first, I did do the quizzes and they showed I had moderate ADD, and moderate Depression....well....
Is anybody dealing with similar issues who can relate?

[Callmebj]

Hi eternaldreamer Wow, 3.5 years out of work. Maybe he needs to step out of his field and just get something to help out financially. Doing something is better than nothing and could mean you could have your own place. Sounds as though you have a lot on your plate, and the load should be shared. Sorry to be so frank, but I can understand
you're wanting to escape. Sorry this is happening to you.
hugs, bj

[Leed]

I can understand why you feel as you do! It would be overwhelming to be the only breadwinner, and then have to live with your mother.

Perhaps your husband could see if the school system offers any adult education where he could learn some new skills to get him into the work force. Or perhaps he could get some kind of grant for trade school. He needs to look into these things --- If he gets some kind of specialized skill /training, he'll be more apt to find a job.

When we have little ones at home, I think we DO feel like we lose our identity. For several years, I was a stay-at-home Mom and I thought I'd go nuts. LOL I loved taking care of my kids, but that's all I did. LOL You need an outlet once in awhile. Maybe one night out with the girls? Maybe you & hubby can go out for dinner?

I hope your hubby will get some training and/or find a job so you can get your own place. You need your privacy. Best of luck and God bless. Take care. Hugs, Lee

[eternaldreamer]

Thank you very much Callmebj and Lee, We have had numerous talks with my husband about what he should do about his position, but no results, I dont know what is in his head, I would have gone out to do anything if I was in his place, he always had good jobs and good income (being able to afford luxury etc) which i cannot provide with my income. Another problem is that i feel like i dont love him anymore like i used to because it seems like he betrayed me in some way, I think I am just waiting to the point where my patience will dry up i guess and it wil become intolerable....

[eternaldreamer]

I have to clarify that all his good employment was before we married after all this ended...I dont want to but I am startng to feel he married me to take a break from working? or I am bringing him bad luck?..dunno , but everything has an end....

[Callmebj]

Eternaldreamer, I would suggest that you look at his family dynamics. If there were issues possibly with a over caring mom who had him depend on her very much. Also in a sense, you have been betrayed. You never agreed to be the primary wage earner. Even in today's world, men usually carry that burden in our society. We don't marry to get a house husband under normal circumstances unless the wife is very educated
and there is agreement between the two of you. I could see how you and your mom may feel that you are being used to some degree. Personally, without the benefit of
of major disability on his part; what's his excuse? I personally find his behavior pretty appalling and not mature and manly at all. Just my 2 cents. Hugs, bj

[gma45]

I am with you Callmebj, I don't blame you one bit Eternaldreamer for feeling betrayed and also resentful. What does he do all day? I think it's time he starts providing for his family like a man should. Just my opinion! Something seems wrong with this picture is he on drugs does he drink? I can't believe a man would be able to sleep at night if his wife was working all the time and supporting him. I have been with some real winners but they always helped. Sorry if I sound bitter but.....he really should be contributing. One more thing don't you ever feel like you are his bad luck!!!!! He is lucky to have you!

[eternaldreamer]

you are both very right, and he does not have any excuse not to start working his *** off, I did not sign up to this, even though he is a good person doesnt do drugs, drinks a little socially an special occasions and has given up smoking recently, If he doesnt make more effort im afraid our marriage would have to end.

[JLarissaDragon]

I agree you are in a difficult situation. Does he have self esteem issues that keep him from finding other work? I know I will feel used if I were in your situation. I hope that you can have a heartfelt talk with him without being threatening. There must be something he can do

[eternaldreamer]

@JLarissaDragon yes I think has some self esteem issues after being out of work for so long, he does feel inadequate for being so passive, but i think he has stopped trying, i think it is typical thing in such situations, it is a state he has got himself into and now cant get out of, but if he just explored mor possibilities just any job would be good not only for our finances , but for his psychological wellbeing too i think.

[IceCreamKid]

You haven't lost your identity; you have expanded it through the glorious gift of motherhood. However, since you are feeling overwhelmed and your husband is not contributing to the household, you might want to be extra-careful not to make any more babies until your financial and familial situation improves. You have gotten through the most physically demanding part of raising a child and things will improve for you from now on. I suggest if you have not, though, to now set a schedule for your child to go to bed, take naps, eat, and be bathed. Children thrive under loving limits. Between your husband being unemployed and your mother being there, you can and should carve out some time for yourself, preferably out of the house. After work, can you go for a walk or run? Can you take Saturday mornings to window-shop, go for coffee with a friend? I well understand the stresses of working full time and having a baby. I hope you will regard PC as a place to vent your frustrations and receive emotional support.