I'm often envious of my best friend – she is smarter, richer, better looking, more accomplished, and is overall a better, more valuable individual than I am, and I mentally question why it is she likes me, since I see little to like. Undoubtedly, I am the most abused, mentally ill, and poorest of her friends and of those that she knows.

My personal weaknesses are with travel, appearance, and school.

I would love to travel the world. Over 17 hours a day I am around a world map because I have them hung in my bedroom, office, bug shed, etc., I have over two dozen international flags, and I can recite all the world's capital cities. However, I've never been able to experience a bit of this world, and it always seems like those I know, including my best friend, are able to travel all the time, or at least travel now and then. My best friend travelled to Israel with her family in 2011 and she was wanting to travel to Argentina or Spain in 2012. Traveling has been a dream of mine since childhood, along with being loved, but it is so far away that it doesn't register for me - I can't afford it.

Appearance is another one. I don't have the perfect teeth like she and all he friends can have. When I smile, I am repulsed by my teeth, all crooked and damaged, and it is not uncommon for me to refuse to smile and be photographed. I'm not in my high school year book (which I didn't receive because I was living in a car after our house was repossessed) because I refused to allow the school to display a photo of me.

And it is like, “Why couldn't I be her?”

Here I am grappling with suicidal ideation, SI, massive depression, and trauma all the freaking time.

How do I feel okay being who I am and living this life? I feel like committing suicide a lot because I never feel like I have anything to live for and I am always so frustrated with who I am. Maybe I am just frustrated right now…

[Junerain]

Try making a list of all your good traits, abilities, everything good about you......there's a lot more to a person than outward accomplishments...try seeing the REAL you, as God sees you

[Leed]

Junerain has a GREAT suggestion. Make the list of all your assets -- and I KNOW you have good assets!!! I know you a little, and I know you to be kind, considerate, a loving person, and those are just a few!!! If you are rigorously HONEST, you could come up with alot more!! Like she said, we are NOT what we look like on the outside. The 'real us" is on the inside -- yes, I know we all want to be attractive but some of us (like me) can't be raving beauties. God made me with a big nose and an overbite. Now THAT'S real attractive! In High School I always thought I looked like Phyllis Diller BEFORE she got her nose job. LOL

Talk to your therapist MORE about this, will you? I know you probably have, but it needs to be discussed more. You are perfectly find just as you are, and if people don't accept you that way, they are NOT worthy of you in the first place!!! You deserve respect -- regardless of how you look. You're worthy of love and I know you'll find it. God bless my friend. Hugs, Lee

Your friend likes you. Might be counterproductive to over analyze the reasons. Obviously she sees something likable that you seem to be overlooking.
You mentioned school but didn't go into detail. Ever looked into correspondence courses?

Travel... you're still young. The way things are now are not necessarily the way they will always be.

Appearance. Teeth can be fixed. If it bothers you that much maybe you could have a dental consultation to go over possible solutions.

I wish I had something more "supportive" to offer but practical, pragmatic thoughts are all I have at the moment.
And yeah it sounds like you are feeling frustrated because these things sound like insurmountable obstacles. But they aren't.
Ease up on yourself my friend

Originally Posted by Mr. Venomous

I'm often envious of my best friend – she is smarter, richer, better looking, more accomplished, and is overall a better, more valuable individual than I am, and I mentally question why it is she likes me, since I see little to like. Undoubtedly, I am the most abused, mentally ill, and poorest of her friends and of those that she knows.

My personal weaknesses are with travel, appearance, and school.

I would love to travel the world. Over 17 hours a day I am around a world map because I have them hung in my bedroom, office, bug shed, etc., I have over two dozen international flags, and I can recite all the world's capital cities. However, I've never been able to experience a bit of this world, and it always seems like those I know, including my best friend, are able to travel all the time, or at least travel now and then. My best friend travelled to Israel with her family in 2011 and she was wanting to travel to Argentina or Spain in 2012. Traveling has been a dream of mine since childhood, along with being loved, but it is so far away that it doesn't register for me - I can't afford it.

Appearance is another one. I don't have the perfect teeth like she and all he friends can have. When I smile, I am repulsed by my teeth, all crooked and damaged, and it is not uncommon for me to refuse to smile and be photographed. I'm not in my high school year book (which I didn't receive because I was living in a car after our house was repossessed) because I refused to allow the school to display a photo of me.

And it is like, “Why couldn't I be her?”

Here I am grappling with suicidal ideation, SI, massive depression, and trauma all the freaking time.

How do I feel okay being who I am and living this life? I feel like committing suicide a lot because I never feel like I have anything to live for and I am always so frustrated with who I am. Maybe I am just frustrated right now…

[Victoria'smom]

Think about doing a working holiday, or Cuso for low cost travel around the world. If that is your dream there are ways to do it. There are ways and some low cost to change the way you look but I tend to notice that people are around others that often have similar attractiveness and qualities of themselves. There is obvious that she sees tons of good qualities that you may not because of your MI. You know what your envious of so now's a good time to make plans to achieve your goals. Best of luck.

[faerie_moon_x]

I understand about looks. I was bullied a great deal in my youth about appearance. My teeth are fine, but my face is not so great according to pretty much everyone growing up. It was so bad that now I can't see any prettiness in my face at all. I'm also very poor and can't travel. I'd love to take my kids and husband on adventures, but we can't all even go in the car I have because it's run down and only enough seat belts for one kid at a time. As for accomplished, I feel like a huge failure. I wanted to be a doctor and a novelist but instead I'm a secretary who is hated by her bosses...

But those are only bad things. I'm a great singer. And a good mom. I'm a kind person. I am smart even when my illness is trying to tell me otherwise. Like others have said, you have to make a list of the good qualities.

I, too, have fought the suicide demon, since I was twelve years old. Suicidal ideation is a symptom of the greater illness. It's a dangerous one, yes. You can't let your guard down or turn your back on it. It's telling you these lies and stories that your not as good as your friends. But you are! I'm sure your friends see all the wonderful qualities in you and that's why you're their friend.

You have had a hard life, but that doesn't make you a bad person. Just because you have the strength to post your worries is enough to show you're not done fighting! You belong in this world and are an important part of it, even when it's too dark for you to see that.