[ivalice82]

I have a friend who, so far this month, I haven't talked to as much because she started a new school and has become busy. A few days ago I mentioned I wanted to talk about some things and she said she'll be here "tomorrow." Well it's the day after "tomorrow" and I asked her what she was up to and she said she was "relaxing" and isn't really on the computer often now. I don't want to bring it up and talk about it because we've had a discussion about something like this before and the solution was I need to make new friends because she "can't always be there for me" (to me it isn't as simple as making new friends anyway...). Can't? Or don't want to?

I guess I just don't understand because I have a full time job, I've gone to school and had lots of assignments and tests the next day, but I always did my best to make time for people if they ever needed me and I still do. Sure I can't answer right away sometimes but I can definitely spare 5 minutes at least by the end of the day to let someone know. If I knew my friend was feeling down (and she knows I could have depression) or just wanted to talk about something, I wouldn't say I can't always be there for you, I'd say I'll do my best to be there for you. Whenever she needed me, I tried to be there right away.

I'll accept that people get busy and I don't expect anyone to do what I do. But when I just want to talk to someone for a little while, everyone seems to be too "busy" to care. I don't want to overreact and I'm not mad or anything, I just can't help but feel a bit let down and hurt. And I have to act like it doesn't. My only hope is that this is temporary and things will go back to normal soon...that's what I was told anyway and I want to believe it. But still, I feel like no one will ever be there for me if it doesn't happen to be convenient for them. Or is that normal?

[roads]

You give priority to friendship and to being available to those who need you. Your friend ... doesn't. Sorry, but you are two people who hold very different feelings about this issue--odds are, you'll never clearly understand each other's viewpoint.

That's my take, anyway.

It's hard to find real friends, but to find friends who see things always as you do is rare indeed. If it's really urgent, we have to search for it, select for it early on.

[eskielover]

There are lots of different possibilities to the "too busy" situation.

I know that for awhile, I was socializing constantly & not taking care of all the work I needed to do on my home & on my farm. By the time I got home from socializing I was too tired to take care of what I had to do. I finally got to the point where I had to be "too busy" so I can now do he things I have to do.

I had another time when I was younger when a person was almost clinging to my friendship & if felt like they were giving me "no space". I wasn't good at just coming out & setting my boundaries......so used the "too busy" in hopes the person would get the idea on their own without taking the chance of hurting their feelings in a worse way by confronting them with the boundaries I felt were being crossed.

I know how important it is to have people who care around you. I grew up as an only child, I never was part of a group of friends, but I did have one close friend who we did a lot together & we called & talked on the phone all the time, but as we grew up & we had our college studies & started having so many other things involved in our lives, what was normal changed to a new normal......then I got married, graduated, got my career, & my whole life revolved around that. Had some friends, but nothing that I would consider close & definitely nothing that went back to the kind of friendship I had when I was young. That transition can be difficult for some......it just felt normal for me. Hope you can come to a new sense of normal for yourself.

[Leed]

I'm like you. Whenever a friend needs me I'm always there for them. Thats just the way I am. I'm no martyr or anything. I just feel that's the way you're supposed to be when someone is having trouble. I have ONE friend that I've known since I was 4 years old who is the only one who has EVER been there for me. Now there HAVE been times when I've called, and she said she couldn't talk right then as she was "busy" -- she didn't ask why I called, etc. That kind of hurt -- but I didn't know what she was busy doing either. So I could have called at a bad time.

I've had other "friends" who couldn't care less. I've been there for them in hard times, but other days they wouldn't give me the time of day. lol I think we've all be thru similar episodes like this. So you have to pick your 'friends' carefully. Best of luck and take care! God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Morghana]

Some people handle being busy better than other people. You sound like the sort who handles it very well. Maybe your friend isn't as good at it as you are, though. For my part, I don't handle being busy very well, and when I'm overwhelmed or I feel like I've been working like a dog, I go through bouts where I just don't want to interact with anybody, even my friends. It has nothing at all to do with my friends' personalities. It's just an effort for me to interact with others--even when I really like them and have known them for years--and when I'm very tired, I have a lot of trouble working up the energy to make it. I don't know, of course, what your friend is like from what you've said, but I don't think her being "busy" shows that she's a bad friend worth dumping. I'd think she's just working hard, tired, and maybe a little overwhelmed from adjusting to a new school.

[Perna]

If you only have this one friend, you do need to get other friends so the one friend does not feel you are trying to interrupt her life instead of having your own. If you need someone to listen and help you with your problems; a professional might be more useful in the long term than using a friend that you are not with in person daily, who does not see you and interact with you daily in-person.

If you worked with or went to school with or commuted with this friend, there would be time in each of you all's day if you wanted to talk and catch up; the internet is not the place for "listening" though, unless it is in a forum like this one where we all deliberately come here for this purpose.

Friendships have to be spontaneous and natural or they can become one-sided and a chore for one or the other person. That you believe you are there for your friend all the time but they are not there for you, is your perception; what your friend wants and needs only she can know, we who are there for friends cannot know their wants and needs, unless they tell us and sitting around waiting to fulfill other's needs as we see them can skew our own lives. We are in charge of taking care of us, not anyone else.

Relationships are not about keeping score at all, or even "give and take" but about relating and relating is always two-way at the same time, not like walkie-talkie/radio where only one person can talk and one listen at any time and if you "interrupt" you cannot hear them or they, you. Relationships take a lot of practice and meeting and getting that practice with a lot of different sorts of people.

I would join a club or group around a current interest you have and make new, in-person friends so you have access to more in-person help and can keep your mostly phone/texting/Internet friends too but have fewer problems with wanting someone but not having someone close enough to be able to help in a more realistic "life" fashion.

[Lavoco]

people are always too busy for me as well, but I suppose it's because I have been unemployed and everyone else has a job, a life, etc. Sometimes I'm so desperate for human contact that I ask to go on errands with people, just to be with them. I'm sure that comes across as strange, but it's all I have.

[ivalice82]

I'm not asking for someone to be there 24/7 and I'm not trying to say that I'm better and I expect so many things in return. In fact I almost never ask anyone for anything. My issue is that when someone asks me for something regardless of when, I will do my best to be there and I'd never say, oh I don't feel like it right now. But at some point if I just ask to talk to someone, they don't get back to me for whatever reason, usually because they're "busy" and "forget" or they can but "don't feel like it" or something to that effect, and it becomes an issue of me expecting too much and "needing to make more friends." Personally I don't think that's very nice but it seems like it's just the way it is and I have to accept it. So I'll just accept that I'm weird.

[dg1983]

I've been through similar situations through and through. Seems like it's been my whole life...its like people only come to me when they want to talk about themselves and don't even take the time to ask how I'm doing. Anywho, what I've realized is just to keep being a good person and if you want to help then help. Just try not to expect ANYTHING in return lol. Human beings can be very selfish sometimes.

[ivalice82]

It seems like that's the best thing to do. I'll just keep to myself from now on.

[ktbelle373]

I have felt the same as you many times in my life. I also try to be there for poeple whenever i can. I take peoples feelings into consideration like you do, maybe this friend your talking about isnt a true friend. a true friend wouldnt say "i cant always be there for you" I think you deserve better than that. I have a hard time making friends and i'm pretty lonley myself, but im working on building friendships with poeple who seem like they are thoughtful nice poeple. maybe you should do the same. AND you ARE worth the time of day, you deserve to have poeple be there for you, like your there for them. dont waste your time on fair weathered friends, best wishes!! hugs!!

Originally Posted by ivalice82

I'll just keep to myself from now on.

I really don't think this is the best option, ivalice. I really do understand. When I was younger (I'm older than dirt ), I'd feel confused and hurt when I'd finally speak up and let someone know that I needed a bit of support. Like you, I was usually open to whatever a person wanted or needed (I never say I was "always open" because life does sometimes gets in the way). But I often found that I was the one giving and when I'd finally speak up, no one was around! But then I realized something. I tended to offer myself up, getting my needs met by being the "good friend", the one people could ask anything of and I'd be there.

If people come to expect that, some people will use you. They are not being unkind or predatory. . . they are just people who tend to be more focused on their own needs. They seek out people like myself who is willing to get MY needs met by being the good and supportive friend. Unfortunately, that's not a two way friendship and when I'd make any type of request for reciprocal support and/or guidance, some of the friends would tire quickly or some never even engage. I needed to recognize my pattern of getting my needs met in a "co dependent" manner and the pattern of some friends who were more focused on getting their needs met to the exclusion of meeting the needs of others.

It didn't mean having to "cut" myself off from mankind. It just meant that if I made a friend who was more focused on his/her own needs, I needed to keep that friendship's boundaries well defined. I also needed to make sure that I wasn't slipping into my own co dependent behavior in the beginning of the relationship of rushing to always meet the other person's needs--I know now that I did that to endear the other person to me, to make sure they saw me as the "best friend EVER". Reality. . .no friend always meets the needs of the other person and I was setting myself up for disappointment . . . and disappointment for the other person. It wasn't a "real" adult friendship!

Good luck and don't give up!

[ivalice82]

Thanks to everyone who took the time out to reply, but I don't think there is really a solution to this and I regret posting this since it has only made me more upset. Any suggestions wouldn't help or change anything. I'm not going to cut anyone off but I think I will just keep to myself from now on.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by ivalice82

Any suggestions wouldn't help or change anything. I'm not going to cut anyone off but I think I will just keep to myself from now on.

Which is cutting us off

It sounds like you want particular people to act in particular ways for/toward you. We cannot get other people to act like we'd like them to, we can only manage our own behavior.

I enjoyed reading Jaybird's experiences, being available to certain people with the hope or expectation they will be available for me in return does not seem to work very often.

Have you ever tried the opposite; come, like on here, and state your problems, "talk" to others and get their interest in you (like this thread :-) and then, help those people out when they ask?

It sounds like with your way you might be trying to "buy" attention. We don't need to do that! You are worth listening to, worth getting to know, there are those who would love to get to know you and identifying friends by telling them about yourself and your problems is much easier than doing things for "unknown" others and then finding they won't help you when you'd like. Make the friend with "yourself", first, and then you can help them out if they ask. You do not have to pay for friendship. Don't prostitute yourself that way.