[Mindinpieces]

All I ever am is just caught up in my emotions, normally these are frustrated, fed up, sad, upset, miserable, scared, worried, guilty and just very low and draining.

How do you ever overcome these with anxiety and knowing that really you have good reasons to feels all those things and they are right for you to feel.

I have an interview with a college to return to college this year. However I know a person who has just gone back here and lets just say it was one of those situations it's best if we never see one another again for both of us or you dread bumping into them.

Thats not my only issue... with college it will be the same as everything else so far and I am worried that I will have a really bad effect on the other in the classes and be that one person that spoils it for everyone else.

Then I am unemployed..... if I stay way I really don't want to have to feel or know what the outcome of that would be... I feel worse enough as it is at the moment... however there is not much chance for this to change....

Although the college courses won't directly help with employment but they may help me get back to feeling better and be more productive so I can then work part time and build myself back up.

However I feel is so miserable and crying all most of the day and I feel just ill..... not actually ill but the ill you feel from being run down by anxiety it still so real though.

I am just going to mess this up and cause more problems but I can't just end my living so this seems the only right way to go about things for myself. However this puts more pressure on and the anxiety worsen.

ARRR this cycle I keep going on about just gets worse and worse....

How do you stop this and stop judging yourself so you can give yourself a fair chance with the things that will help instead of being one mistake after another.

[Leed]

Number one is don't let that person bother you -- don't let them live "rent free" in your head. When you don't see them, don't THINK about them and just focus on your studies. If you bump into them, just walk past them - since obviously you don't get along (right?) then you don't have to acknowledge them -- just keep going!

How are you going to "ruin it" for everyone else in the classes? Everyone is there to learn, right? So they're going to (hopefully) be listening to the Prof. How will YOU ruin things? Just listen like every one else, and things should be just fine! Don't THINK about other "stuff." Think about the issue at hand - about what you're studying about & what the Prof is saying.

You are NOT going to "mess this up." You'll go to classes and be just fine, if you try. Just focus -- it might be hard, but just focus!!!

You can't keep judging yourself like this - you haven't been on this earth long enough to judge yourself so harshly. You're a GOOD person, and worthy of good things! Treat yourself like you would a good friend - pleasantly, nicely, lovingly. NO JUDGING! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[yellowted]

well said Leed, couldn't have put it any better.

please be kind to yourself mindinpieces, if you set your mind on the fact you can do this, you are just as good as the other students, then you will succeed. if you keep judging yourself as you are you will fail.

keep telling yourself you can do this, I can't is a phrase which doesn't exhist in my world

believe in yourself and you will go far

[Mindinpieces]

Thank you so much Leed and Yellowted

As for this person, well I worked with them and dated them.... if you call that dating. Also they are more worthy of an education and want to go to uni ect. Not just that I would freak them out if they found out... I am not that bad a person but people sometimes mistake my nervousness and shifty actually anxiety/ panic ways of reacting.. I could never talk to him about things or explain myself and my behaviour, we never really connected.. It would be just dam awkward to bump into one another. He really is a nice and kind person but we were too similar in some respects and both wanted what we seek for within a person from one another, if that makes sense. So it didn’t work out because of that. He would also gossip between co workers... those co worker always rudely ask my family has she got a job yet... those type of co workers.

It always seems I am just that horrible person who in some ways always annoys or affects other people. Also I am older and in UK mostly school leavers take the classes I would be taking. Not just that they are probably more clever than me and have more purpose for being there.

I only want to go back to take the pressure off for ever hoping someone will employ me… not likely going to happen anytime soon. Also I need to work on my education and focusing on task this will productively help me. But once again it's one of those you should have done this 4 years ago and really I should be in my second year of uni. However I have been just stuck in a rut and really I am so stupid at the best of times. I honestly feel less clever now than when I left high school 4 years ago.

Also I am getting the worse anxiety now I have ever had so I give out bad vibes and react strangely. I would it seems just be a pain and cause more trouble, going by how I got this far and what’s happened so far. However is it so wrong of me to try?

I have this interview thing tomorrow so hopefully later in the day I can say how it went. Hopefully it will be the beginning of change for me.

Thank You very much Leed and Yellowted I wish you all the best and send you both hugs

[Leed]

Oh gosh -- On the first line of your post you ACTUALLY SAID "they are more worthy of an education." Do you know how ridiculous that is?? How in the WORLD is one person more worthy than another of an education? Can you explain that to me? NO ONE is more worthy, sweetie. NO ONE.

Then in the next paragraph you say "it always seems I am just that horrible person" -- where does that come from?? What makes YOU a horrible person? Have you killed someone? Are you a serial killer? Do you abuse babies? Tell me how you are horrible? Then you say that you are older than the rest, and that they are "probably more clever than you." What proof do you have that they are more clever than you are? Give me a sample of that proof, ok?

Next paragraph -- You say "I have just been stuck in a rut and really I am so stupid at the best of times." I'd like some proof of that too. Tell me when you have been "so stupid." What happened?

Can you see what you're doing to yourself? You shoot yourself in the foot! YOU are your own worst enemy! You should be bloody with all the beatings you're taking by your OWN HAND!

You have GOT to stop this! You need to do like I have done. I have a little sign in the corner of my mirror in the bathroom -- it says "You are looking at the problem." That's what YOU need! You need to be reminded every day that YOU are the problem! You cannot keep beating yourself up every single day. Instead, you need to look yourself in the EYES, and tell yourself "I LOVE YOU" and keep saying that UNTIL YOU BELIEVE IT. You have to love yourself until you can love someone else.

You can't love anyone else until you love yourself. You just can't. God bless you --- ((((HUGS)))) Lee

[Odee]

I wish you were applying to go to the same college that I go to. I think that you would be a wonderful friend.

[Mindinpieces]

In the general people have this stigma that you go back to college that makes everything alright… ok so yer that’s one of the reason I am going back… however I know it won’t magically make me a good or acceptable person under other people’s scrutiny. You know the whole unemployed doing nothing then just hiding away within a college course….. hopefully I have now built a productive cocoon to emerged out from with some brains and better coping skills…. At least that’s how ideally I would like going back to college to turn out for me. Of course he has high hopes and career plans so yer compare to me if you had to choose him and other students would be more deserving over me.

As for the horrible person well I am not the most caring or able to relate to people. I am more your run away and let other people deal with because I can’t even care for myself and I don’t have it in me to ever be a fully happy and caring of others in the way some people can. Also I should be less over reacting and sorted myself out years ago but no had to let things get to this. Also others have a lot worse things happen to them and have to deal with a lot worse than me. I get like this because of something that happened 6 years ago… also I still don’t know how lucky I am to be alive and with no lasting injures. So once again I honestly know how and what sort of person I am which is just plain horrible and a waste of life… however I hope to now in the ways I possibly can just live a better life and not be in the way so much of others. What I mean by this is I only ever wanted to have a simple job… not dealing with customers too much or having too big of an impact on other people because this is all that is acceptable for me and in reality all I will ever be capable of. However I couldn’t up to this point allow myself to do that. So now I am taking a new approach to hopefully once again better my chances of this. Is this so wrong of me?

As for the dumb part yes I am one of those people that others have to laugh at in the sense how could she be that dumb… I was waiting for something to heat up and the on lights on this button were clearly not on (once they pointed it out)… I thinking, what have I done now … other person it’s not on, that’s why it’s not heating up… me oh, I didn’t know you had to turn it on there as well, I was sure I turn the right switch to the mode needed, the thing wasn’t on to begin with, just wondering if I didn’t pluck up the courage to ask the person, I’m not sure if I have turn it to right switch… how long I would still be waiting for it to heat up. So yer that dumb air headed girl at the best of times.

I know it’s me that’s the problem. However I am stuck with me so what am I to do…. I guess it’s because I believe it’s what I deserve therefore that’s how I treat myself. Hopefully I can now work on improving me and working towards things. That will mean I deserve better treatment of myself and then I can start to be my own best friend, may be possible. However I hope this isn’t were that saying of keep your friends close and your enemy’s ever closer comes in, I may be stuck then LOL. However I know you’re going to say you need to love yourself before that. To be able to allow yourself and things to go right, so I can then see the outcome of things going better for once. Well I am sure I can give this a go. Maybe try to be understanding of myself as in the sense of a kind family member to begin with. Rather than expect me to just be able to love and be happy with myself from the off. If that makes sense.

Thank you so much Leed you are a very insightful and caring person. I really appreciate your time and understanding and constructive replies to me. I wish you all the best

[dg1983]

Mindinpieces, congratulations for deciding to further yourself in your schooling. It is never too late for education. You do deserve it

[eskielover]

When I was working part time while going to the uni, I was doing data entry (back in the 1970's). I had gone home the night before & the machine I was working on was working fine.....I came in the next day & I couldn't get it to work.......I immediately called the IBM repair people because there was nothing I tried that would make the machine run. They came out to repair it.....looked under the machine & the people who had cleaned the night before had unplugged the machine......you talk about feeling stupid.......but feeling stupid & being stupid are 2 different things.......I ended up getting my degree in Accounting information systems & computer science & ended up in a firmware design engineer career.

At that time, I was evolving from the music major into I didn't really know quite what direction to go in.....you never know what the future holds & what will grab your interest when you actually start taking classes. It took me 8 years to get my BS degree. I took lots of interesting classes that could have taken me in many other directions such as business law.

Until you get into the university, you don't know where your strengths will be.......that's why it's important to allow yourself to explore & to fine out what your true interests really are........who knows, you might end up with a much better career than that guy ever thought of getting.

Don't judge yourself & don't limit yourself.......go into life with an open mind & an open heart......for you don't know what the future holds