Mood Instability, therapy in an hour!

Hi all,

Finally got my appointment. Hoping for some revelations. Thought I'd paste my email to her up here and keep you all informed (heck, maybe a future reader will find it helpful).

Will post an update later. My only fear is that she will tell me I'm focusing on it too intently.

Have a great day. Happy friday!

Apologies for the strange formatting, forums didn't like my copy paste.

Been referred to a nearby psychiatric hospital. Thankfully the outpatients section - haven't been placed in lock-down just yet. >.<

Hi ryc0v,



Your summary seems to be major depression, imho. While you may be suffering from suicidal idealization (SI), does that mean that you've made actual attempts? Or are you planning how to do it and considering consequences?

Personally, my T wasn't too concerned about my SI. If and when I make more serious plans, that's when he wants hospitalization to occur. Otherwise, he's satisfied with my honesty ~ to speak up when I need more intensive treatment.

I hope that the outpatient therapy works well for you and provides you with the extra care and attention that you're needing. Best wishes!

Thanks for your reply!

SI is a bit of a weird topic in my case, I deleted the details out of the above because I didn't want to be too 'triggering'.

I get flashing images at random times throughout the day, and when I try to sleep - the images are violent, involve me and generally seem pretty irreversible!

Several years ago I overdosed, however - I am glad to say that I had second thoughts (random SMS message from old friend changed my mind) and made myself sick them up - I had unbelievably bad stomach pain for a couple days, but no permanent damage (I know right - something out of a movie).

Since then, several friends succumbed to the urge (2 over the last 18 months), which has furthered my resolve to never do it (seeing what it does first hand, in a sense).

I was convinced it was Major Depression too, but its recently started making me feel incredibly unbalanced (I can deal with feeling down for no discernible reason, but not good/angry/jealous) - I can't see myself continuing successfully (academically/financially) if I don't trust myself, or know my limits.

I don't feel I can trust myself, now that I'm experiencing all these 'new' ... things (I don't want to say symptoms, as I don't know if they are).

I'm on a full bursary for post-graduate study, and my department has me on the list for potentially being excluded for poor attendance (no pressure), because of my difficulty heading to lectures/seminars when I'm irritated or down.

Thanks for your reply the place I'm going has a fairly horrid historical reputation, I'll admit when I got asked whether I'd go there for assessment I felt a strong flash of fear (for the first time in a long time).

My therapist laughed and assured me she didn't mean THAT part of the wards (which she phrased as "a haven for those with a more tenuous grasp on reality and their surroundings").

(PS: I also have an honest thing going with my psychologist - I have a friend who basically plays a part when she's seeing hers - which defeats the objective in my opinion!).

Another thing that occured to me, the above letter doesn't detail other symptoms/facts that my psychologist knows - so perhaps not a totally accurate depiction of me, but that's alright.

The above symptoms are generally of the last 6 months, my current combination raised my 'mood floor' significantly, and allowed me more than my previous two states of mood (hellish/neutral).

Since I started feeling more, I started noticing more. I can only assume that the 'blanket' of dark moods, coupled with brain fog, masked them.

(Just thought I should contextualise slightly - a bit tired so I might be rambling like a bit of a loose wall-fixture).

Off to the Asylum on Tuesday, not so much apprehensive as excited. Strange.

Referred for further clinical therapy, diagnosed with Bipolar Type II!

Such a relief (weird response, I know - but I was stressing that she'd tell me I'm fine)!

Also being shifted from Lamotrigine to Sodium Valproate (have to wait until Saturday until I take it though, stopping Lamotrigine cold turkey).

Anyone have any experience with withdrawal on Lamotrigine or what Sodium Valproate is like? I haven't found many anecdotes about it (and the academia and summations are dry and fairly epilepsy driven, with little mention to those of us who are 'differently abled' in terms of emotions :P)