[Olemaid]

Not sure exactly where this subject should go nor what I should have titled it but here goes. I have came to the conclusion I might be of need to go see a therapist and stumbled across this while searching. I will try to keep this short. Here goes..... Everything changed when my Dad died. He died unexpectedly at the age of 75 in 2000 so I didn't get to say goodbye. Hubby and I used to visit cemeteries and gravestones etc etc. I used to attend funerals and managed. Now... no can do. I cry even thinking of attending a funeral. I cry when I think of someone dying. When I say cry, I mean bawl. Tears won't stop until I get it out of my mind. In fact, I have tears flowing while typing this. I have no fear of dying myself... just others. I am suppose to attend a funeral in a few days but just no way I can handle going. What's wrong with me?

[Perna]

Does sound like you might benefit from talking to a grief counselor/therapist. About Complicated Bereavement Disorder | Psychology Today

[Thunder Bow]

Stop going to funerals and graveyards. This might come under OCD disorders.

[Olemaid]

To clarify.. we did not have a funeral for my Father. We planted a tree and buried his ashes in it. I do not sit around crying for my Dad. Just think of him often with great memories. My problem isn't the death of my Dad... it's my fear of funerals and cemeteries that popped up sometimes later. They give me great anxiety and I start bawling. When my Grandmother passed away last year, I could not get out of the car to approach the grave site for the funeral. Sat in the car freaking out, crying like there was no tomorrow. We were not close. I barely knew her. To the person that said for me to stay out of cemeteries, I have yet to be to one in 14 years. We used to go visit the grave sites of hubby's family and see how old all the other stones were. I cannot do it anymore. What I am trying to understand is why do I act like that? What's bringing it on?

[Olemaid]

Thank you. I read all this and I just don't quite think my problem is bereavement. Or is it?

[Angelique67]

I'd think some fear of loss is behind your reaction. You could probably get to the bottom of it with therapy.

[Thunder Bow]

Halloween in near. Maybe this holiday is a trigger for you?

[JoeS21]

I would give a therapist (and you) the final word on this. My inclination is that you should try to go to the funeral even if you just drive up and sit in your car crying. I hope that there are supportive people willing to go with you if that would be helpful. If you would find it helpful to have supportive people and you don't know of any, maybe a grieving support group would be the place to find companions for the funeral.

If you cannot go, and anyone tries to judge you and you find out, tell them that you did everything possible to go and had a breakdown or whatever. Funerals are normal places to cry. People will relate to some extent and feel sympathy/empathy.

[Olemaid]

The good thing is, I do have my family behind me. They understand, especially my husband. They do not force me to do anything I don't feel comfortable doing. It's me though. I am ashamed. I feel I should pay respect to the ones that have passed away by attending their funeral. I want to get over this but not sure what, if anything, I should do. No way can I afford $100 an hour so was hoping for more input here. Maybe it is a weird form of OCD. I don't know.

[SmileHere]

Do you miss your Dad? Was it difficult when he passed?
I've had trouble going to funerals and such too, it started when my Grandfather died (I think) it was very cold and dreary and I've had the memory of that sort of engrained, I think. I was only thirteen or so, so I didn't sit around crying for Grandpa either, though he was my favorite person on Earth. But I really didn't like going to funerals.

Then after Granny died, I cried a lot (for her, and because of some mixed emotions - we had some disagreements before she died etc.) It was unexpectedly too and I didn't get to say goodbye. There were also some feelings of guilt etc. Some other relatives died in short timespan unexpectedly as well and it was very difficult too. I partly blamed myself for not helping them to be healthier etc.

What kind of thoughts go through your mind when you hear of someone dying or another funeral? That he was too young, and could have lived a longer life etc? Or that something could happen (hope not!) to you and loved ones unexpectedly or...?

We went to some nuns once, one of them died previously, and another said some things that might have a point, 'Let her enjoy the happiness of Heaven' or something like that.
It can be difficult to think along these lines, sometimes death can be a 'salvation/deliverance' for someone who has been eg very ill... (It can be more difficult for the ones that remain... Though people usually heal in time too...)

Day of the Dead is coming up, and I really dislike the idea of going to 5 or 6 different cemeteries with my family! But I know that if I don't go, Dad will be cranky. And I do like to see relatives. Though I don't like the questions about job/career or partner/hubby/family, which I don't have.

Good to find another person who doesn't like going to funerals and cemeteries (anymore), maybe we can find some answers to this together?
(My therapist was somewhat helpful when it came to dealing with grief about Granny, I didn't even remember to ask about dislike of cemeteries though lol!)

I'll maybe start doing EFT on this again, when my friend's brother died very young (30+) I did EFT and was able to go to funeral and was so full of energy I was almost 'too okay' there!
Have you tried EFT yet? You can learn for free online (at emofree.com and other sites, there are Youtube videos)...

[Olemaid]

See... I used to manage funerals. All I had to do was keep eyes down in order not to see others crying and just tune out. Now you would think I lost my very best friend. I would crack and start bawling over someone I barely knew. I would practically have a breakdown. Doesn't make sense. Guess I'm a mental case lol and yes, I miss my Dad. He was a great man.

[SmileHere]

hmm, so going to funerals was a bit difficult and required effort before too..?
I'd really recommend EFT, and to do it on all these aspects - if it helped war veterans, it can help you and me too!
(I started doing it yesterday after the post here and already feel more energetic and more up to going to the cemeteries...)
My Grandpa was awesome too, so was Granny...