[northwardbound]

This is what my therapist is talking through with me as I battle with a maelstrom of emotions triggered by my girlfriend leaving me 3 months ago.

The end came out of the blue. We live in different cities but saw each other as often as we could. These times were happy times, filled with love and laughter and fun. My family loved her and she was so supportive of me when I was processing my emotions after my Dad died. The 2nd anniversary of his death is this week. She told me she truly loved me and looked forward to a time when we could be together permanently. So when she called to say it was over, it was like being hit by a truck. After that call, I didn't hear from her for weeks. She cut off all contact and left me in total limbo. I almost went out of my mind with grief, questions whirling about in my mind and getting not one single answer. Just a wall of silence.

When we finally managed to meet about 6 weeks later, she said she'd had some kind of meltdown and was a totally broken person. She said she needed professional help, which she was in the process of getting and that it was going to take her a long time to put herself back together again. On hearing this, I suspended my own grief at losing her. If she was ill I wanted to support her and help her in any way I could. So I backed off to give her space. I didn't ask her any questions. I sent her supportive messages (none of which she replied to) to let her know I was thinking about her. Yet as each day passes, I know she's moving farther and farther away from me and any hope I have of us getting back together is dying.

To protect her privacy, I haven't talked to my own friends much about our break-up. I've told them it was one of those things and that I'm fine. But I'm not fine. Inside I'm slowly disintegrating as I love her so much. To help me cope with my pain, I drink. I'm sleeping badly and I've gone from eating virtually nothing in the early days of our break-up to binge-eating now, mainly on carbs such bread. I guess I'm drinking about a bottle to a bottle-and-a-half of wine a day. And I started self-medicating with 5HTP in preference to regular anti-depressants. Anything up to 600mg a day. Although my mood lightened quite considerably, it made my skin itch; like hordes of ants crawling under the surface. The itching scared me enough to stop taking it. As a result, my mood has crashed to the ground. I'm tearful nearly all the time, reclusive to a large extent and existing on maybe 4 hours sleep a night and copious amounts of alcohol.

And now, it seems (although I have no real proof as we're not really speaking), our break-up might have had less to do with a meltdown (although she WAS stressed to the gills with work and a couple of other personal issues) and more to do with another woman I don't know. It's just the way disparate bits of information seem to indicate another woman and untruths about her seeking professional help. It may be she's fabricated much of her breakdown so she didn't look like the bad guy in our break-up. But, as I said, I have no proof and, very possibly, it's all immaterial now anyway as she definitely isn't up for a reconciliation. But I now feel my protecting her and hiding my own pain from her over the past 3 months has been for nothing.

Which brought my therapist to talk about my inner child and why I always put myself at the bottom of the pile. We're exploring the instances in my life where I've been rejected or neglected and how my modus operandi appears to be "suck it up and bury it".

My childhood was one of being trailed in the wake of a sick sibling. She's been ill or in severe crisis in some shape or form all her life. And as a result, our parents' attention has always been on her, with no exception. So many times I was the child sitting quietly in a corner with a book so's not to be any bother to anyone. It's something I've carried into adulthood. Even when I struggled with my own sexuality, coming out rather late in life, I did it largely on my own. My Dad died without knowing I am gay. I didn't think he could cope with the knowledge so I protected him from it.

And I didn't want to be a bother to my girlfriend when she was in so-called crisis. Everyone's crisis is always more important than my own. Everyone's problems, depression, illness etc are far more important than my own because I am perceived as being the strong one, especially by my parents. Only this time, I'm tired of being strong. I want to say to her "What about me?" She told me I "only" had a broken heart to mend while she had an entire shattered person to fix. And I believed her pain was more important than mine. Which may be the greatest irony of all as I'm the one who's ended up all over the floor while she may not be in crisis at all. Or at least not in as much of a crisis as she led me to believe. I just don't know the truth about anything anymore. And if I'm wrong, I'll feel terrible for not trusting her and maligning her on here. All I know for sure is that my feelings of loss are manifesting themselves simultaneously on more levels than I'm ready to deal with. The loss of my gf, the loss of our love and our dreams, the loss of my Dad, the loss of the childhood I never really had, the loss of my hard-won lesbian identity (starting over again is not something I want to contemplate). Ugh! Too.much.stuff

My doctor now wants me on commercial antidepressants but I'm reluctant as I don't think I'm depressed. I'm just sad about my breakup. Aren't I? And I'm just on here wasting everyone's time.

[Leed]

Bless your dear heart. You have been designated to the bottom of the pile all your life. This is horrible. It is no wonder that your grief is manifesting itself in such a way that it is about to totally destroy you! You not only have the girlfriend who has potentially betrayed you but you have the loss of your dear father -- and you have your inner child who is scratching at the coffin screaming to get out!! No wonder you're in such shape!

I would agree with your therapist, and get on an antidepressant. It need not be permanent, but at least for now, please do as he suggests. One thing you need to know is you CANNOT stop taking them abruptly or you will put yourselfl in danger of seizures -- so do NOT stop them abruptly. Other nasty things can happen too, which are quite serious. You must be weaned off them. But please go ahead with the antidepressants. You will be surprised at how much better you will feel. Keep in mind tho that it takes about 6 weeks for them to start working. I don't know why it takes so long, but it does.

If what you suspect of your girlfriend is true, and she just betrayed you instead of having a crisis, then you are well rid of her. She doesn't have the integrity or honor that you deserve, and now you can look for someone who will love you and treat you with RESPECT! You deserve AT LEAST that! You haven't been treated with respect your whole life, and it's time you were!

Being pushed aside since you were a child is "normal" for you, and you must learn that your feelings are valid, and that anything you say is worth listening to! You've never had anyone ever pay attention to you before -- not really. You need to explore that with your therapist and as he said, talk to the "inner child" and find out what she has to say and feels. You'll find a very hurt little girl in there. It will be a very painful thing to go thru, but you MUST to it in order to heal. You inner child has been trying to 'come out' all your life, but you wouldn't let her. Many of us keep our inner child's from speaking or being heard because we're afraid. It's too painful, so we keep them hidden. Now is the time for you to release her and let her talk.

As far as the girlfriend, let her go. She doesn't deserve you. You need someone who does.

I wish you the very best. Get on the antidepressants, and best of luck in therapy. PLEASE PLEASE keep me posted on what happens, will you? I would really like to know. You can message me if you like. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

[Perna]

Originally Posted by northwardbound

Only this time, I'm tired of being strong. I want to say to her "What about me?"

That is what your inner child should be saying to you. You need to literally be paying attention to that inner child and not self-medicating, trying to suppress the pain and feelings but getting all that pus out. Grieve for your girlfriend, the relationship that wasn't/is no more, your childhood, the loss of your father, etc.

Yes, in a sense you do have to start over but this opportunity of learning to care for yourself better so you do not have to "crash" again in the future is a really good opportunity.

[tigerlily84]

Don't have anything more to add than what others have posted. Just wanted to tell you that YOU matter. I know it sounds corny. But you do. Going to therapy will help you in realizing that. Think of the antidepressant as a crutch to get you through this. But follow your doctor's orders on it ok? Give it some time, you will heal, and you will be a stronger person for it.

[northwardbound]

Thank you all for the messages and advice. I've done three things since I posted this thread.

First I'm seeing the doctor about proper antidepressants, not self-medicating on uncontrolled and huge doses of 5HTP

Second, I contacted my ex and asked her about her own therapy and about the other woman. She told me she is in therapy and the other woman is a friend (but obviously in a little more detail than that!). This is the first time she's answered anything I've asked her directly (and very promptly) so I believe her. I still love her but I am going to try my best to draw a line under our breakup. Maybe in 6 months to a year, when she (and I) are better, maybe we can salvage something of our friendship. We were the very best of friends before we had a relationship.

Third I've made arrangements to see my oldest friend for dinner and drinks. It'll the the first time I've gone out of the house on my own for about two months.

Baby steps no? Little tiny achievements each day to help me climb out of the hole I seem to have dug myself into. I will continue with my therapy. Now my therapist has opened a can of worms, I'm going to have to deal with the little blighters one by one. It will be hard but necessary for my sanity.

Thank you all so very much for taking the time to care x

PS: And as someone totally new to PC, what are all these little messages that have been appearing under posts? Ones that say "hugs" and "thanks for this".

[tigerlily84]

You're right -- baby steps are important. It's usually getting started that's the most difficult. I'm glad to hear that you are going to meet with your friend and also that you are continuing with therapy. It is essential to to go out, and not to isolate yourself.

The messages that appear under the posts ("hugs" and "thanks for this") are things that any person that's logged on to the site can do to give encouragement to the poster. You may see the icons labeled "thanks" and "hugs" under this post, for example. You'll see these messages under the posts when you click them respectively.

[DeathWish]

Love, you may think you are not depressed! but you are! and it is better to deal with it sooner than later! Depression is not something that will go away .....there are lot of factors that lead/contribute to it!
I am Manic Depressive, and seriously everyday is tug of war" want to" or"end it" thoughts....but the fact that i have 3 young ones, i realize, what hell i will be leaving them, if i dont get help!
Great that you have come out!
Your life is a gift, and your gist has a purpose on this planet .....however horrible the pain and suffering, and how impossible it may seem, do not despair.....i will walk with you, on this journey, i will hold your hand,, i will listen to you, i will hold you! so come on this road to recover and self discovery and Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[northwardbound]

@ Deathwish Yep. I'm fast coming to the conclusion that I AM depressed. I've been in denial for such a long time, being a staunch subscriber to the "pull yourself together and "maintain a stiff upper lip" schools of thought

And I will get help; more than I'm getting right now as I too have kids (2) and they need me whole and sane and healthy not the messed up ragbag that currently passes for their mother.

[DeathWish]

I am so glad to hear that you have made the decision to accept, Deal and get the help that i s required to move forward in life.....
That is the most difficult decisions to make......

Your children derserve to know their ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!their Foundation, and their whole universe and existence in enveloped in your core!!!!!!!!!!!1

Have you sought out a T?
Hope to hear from you soon!

[northwardbound]

@DeathWish. I do have a t. She's someone I saw during my whole coming out process so she knows me from way back. And my GP is lovely too. He's not averse to considering alternative therapies so I think I've got the makings of a pretty good support team.

I'm also trying to let my friends in to help rather than pushing them away. I had the most fantastic time out with my oldest friend last night! Altogether too much alcohol was consumed for a school night but it was damned good fun. I'd forgotten how to laugh and she reminded me that I have a "beautiful smile".

I just need to forget the gf and move on..... I mean "ex gf" of course