[ryuken]

I am not sure what to think in such condition where all suppressed memories are hurting but the past is starting to bug me a lot.

When I was in school and high-school my parents never let me go on school trip or any type of trip. They also used to decide where to play and how many blocks to cross. I used to get punished for coming home late which is 5pm as per their deadline. I also had restriction of not meeting my relatives (like uncle,aunt and some others) without their permission, even to date they argue.

Now I see back in past, I feel I missed some fun in life. All of my friends enjoyed that moment but I didn't.

My parents never let me drive bike because they used to think i would get killed while driving bike. I never had money of my own during high-school so i couldn't buy one for myself.

They never let me buy clothes with my own choice, they used to take me to store and force what they like and used to pay. Never had pocket-money and never gave me money to spend or buy.

After graduation, when I checked the world around me, I realized I was alone and cut from their chains but still never had enough money to travel, or spend and barely managed to work on salary. I feel I can't even enjoy life as I am supposed to. They even dictate things by telling me to get married and have kids and they want to decide which girl to marry. They want to dictate everything in life and i can't refute because I don't have much money in pocket.

When I discussed this regret of past, they said " you're all your own and this is your problem". When I discuss with friends or family, instead of saying something positive, they just give smile and say nothing.

I know I should move away from them but low money and lack of jobs in the city makes me stick with them. I am however working enough to have some savings which may work in future for moving away. But till then parents are bugging on a lot and moving on becomes even harder.

How to deal with past with regret like this?

[NoCake]

Unfortunately you have to undo all of their mistakes. For some odd reason there are parents that believe in the horrible idea of reinventing the wheel and forcing you to learn things on your own that could be learned in a 5 second google search and probably learned in a superior fashion to their upbringing. 9 times out of 10 they were raised with the same foolish ideal so don't go too hard on them.

Whenever I asked my parents how to do something they would be too tired to teach me how. And when I took the initiative to learn on my own they gave me hell about it and used about every excuse in the book to stop me. This includes trivial things like learning to fry an egg, how to ride a train, how to do laundry and even taking a 3 mile walk which is a pretty good way to combat depression. I won't even comment on the time I moved to another state...

But now you are a man and things change. Your parents can dictate all they want - you aren't obliged to do any of it. Of course they do deserve respect as they are your parents but they can't tell you who to marry.

But I am also wondering - are you in a "traditional family?" That's important info to have because I know some people that had to deal with that. I knew a guy who wasn't even allowed to date in high school...

But if it's not that bad then you need to verbalize to your parents that you are an adult and that you have to make your own decisions.

I'm also guessing that there are a lot of life skills that you don't have. There are plenty of college freshman that can't do laundry. It's a damn shame but it is what is is. All you can do is start catching up and learning these things. You want to be able to cook, clean, drive (or at least navigate your city), learn about how to make a bank account, how to pay taxes, how to use basic tools (hammers, drills, saws) e.t.c; A lot of things like this can just be learned on the internet and require practice. I don't advise learning how to drive with just the internet.

The situation you're in isn't really your fault. You just didn't know. And unfortunately they have left a mess for you to clean up. But it can be done. You just need to start learning some of those things you missed out on right now. Our generation is horribly behind in this regard but you can get it done.

[ryuken]

Hi, thanks, your post relieved a lot on many points.

You're right that I am from traditional old value type of family. They never allowed to me to date in high school. And letting any girl (even if neighborhood friend) come in house was another restriction even though i have 2 elder sisters and their friends used to come in home. but my parents used to dictate what type of friends i should have and how they should look and talk (yes, that bad).

They have this mindset of having kids only for the oldage support. And they do all they can to mold them to keep them around themselves in fear not to lose them. I found this mindset out when they were doing the same things to my nephew like they do to me like suggesting not to go to trip and even for swimming etc.

However their actions do made me introvert to some extent and i did learned some skills on my own. I did learned about laundry, cooking, and some other indoor skills. I also started taking some work via web (outsourcing) when i was in 10th class and earned some money, so banking and financial skills learned on my own (yes, Internet helped a lot).

Sadly I don't know how to drive car. I do have license for bike (which i learned only for one day) and then never touched again till date. so yes, on that side i am falling a lot.

I guess I have to learn a lot of things and have to make up for lost time. I guess I'll be getting lot of things late including marriage because this type of torn mindset wont' help with new relationship.

I am just not sure whether to consult doctor for this because these thoughts don't let me concentrate and considering the issue at hand, this looks more of social emotion problem than psychological, so i don't know how come doctor will help for this.

Thanks.

[NoCake]

I guess you're also worried about missing out on things. Yeah it is unfortunate that you missed things but you're old enough now to just do them on your own. Your parents don't need to know everything you do any more.... And I wouldn't worry about marriage anyway. No one goes out looking to get married at your age.

Now for the parents I advise you to tell them how you feel. You need to be straight and tell them how bad the pressure is making you feel. Get graphic. Let them know that you understand that they are your parents and that you "appreciate what they're trying to do for you" (just say it...) but the pressure is becoming too much for you to handle. You have to come to them like an adult and express your concerns. And if they pull the silent treatment you should ask them what they think about it. They are treating you like a child when they do that and this isn't respectful to you. You have to try and have an actual conversation about this.

Don't feel bad about this. You're not happy about your situation but you're taking steps to make it better. You're starting to shape your life in the way you want to and that's something to be proud of.

[roads]

Yea, NoCake! Yea, ryuken!
And never underestimate YouTube if you need a quickie lesson on something.
Take driving lessons from a patient friend or a Driving School ASAP. This is a skill that employers take for granted. You need to be able to drive.
Did you graduate from college? What work do you do?
NoCake has give you an excellent script for having some adult conversations with your parents; if they are open to talking with you, giant steps ought to results in creating a new, adult relationship among you. If this happens, and you keep these communication channels open, you shouldn't need to consult a therapist.
Best wishes, and stay in touch.
Roadie

[Anika.]

Ryuken,

No Cake gave really great advice, and talking to them about it as well. Also in the apoach No Cake gave to talk to them.

I grew up like that too. In an extremely controlled environment, very fundamental and old fashioned traditional expect to say also abusive. And this can be also considered a bit abusive even if that is not their intentions. I mean that in the sense of not allowing you to be a person in your own right. No friends, no TV, no "worldly" influences, no contact with any relatives except maybe 4 very rarely, private religious schools, free time filled with religious studies, and we moved about every 6 months, every aspect of our lives was controlled. If I was allowed to walk to the store my father would follow us without our knowledge.. no trust.

When I was 13 my family fell apart. My parents did a complete turn around at that point. By 14 I had been abandoned by both parents and was living on the streets with zero skills for that. But I did figure it out.... Eventually. Things got much worse in my case before they got better. But I don't think that will be the case for you. If I could turn it around, I believe you can too.

You are still young and you now do get to decide how you live. And you parents do not need to know everything now .. No Cake is right about that.

A doctor could perhaps help you get some therapy for the emotional issues. You might not need that like Roadie said, I had so many issues I really needed it to heal. That might be a big help to you if you feel you need extra help with that. Also probably working on your self esteem, it is not easy to have a good healthy sense of self if you were never even allowed to be a self at all.

Also if you do a google search for Jon Kabot Zinn, he has a lot of videos on youtube about mindfulness and a lot of good books as well. Mindfulness is extremely helpful in learning how to not live in the past, or spend our time worrying about the future. Learning just how to be aware and in the present moment right now. Also how to be aware of the emotions and how to let them go so they do not rule your life. This could really help you with the thoughts, stress, emotions and healing, not to mention give you the ability to handle the future well and at peace. Sometimes we just let the mind go where ever it wants in thoughts and that causes us so many problems, we can learn to become more aware and direct where and what the mind gets up too.

I hope you give that a try, it has helped me in my own life so much.

You have a lot more you can do now that you are an adult. You get to steer your own ship now. The possibilities are really endless. If we can change our perspective our reality also changes. I don't have a lot of money either, but don't let that hold you back. There is so much out there waiting for you to explore. I have a feeling if you reach and mold a healthy positive perspective on life and yourself that you will be able to change this and come to a content peaceful place with yourself and your life. You can become fulfilled, it is not hopeless at all, it is hard work yes, but work that will be worth it.

[Thunder Bow]

Gain self confedence. You are your own Warrior, even when you deney it. Your past is history, the imprints will fade of you just trust your own abilitys and powers!

[watevs]

actually i have the same problem!! my past is haunting me. my family made it worse. i had no life outside the school, i couldn't even ask to go on school trips. and now i am saving money to move away from everybody and leave everything that relates me to my past! i don't care how long it takes! just ignore until the day comes, forget about the past you'll soon have your new beginning.

[ryuken]

Thanks a lot nocakes, anika, roadie, thunderbow and watevs.

Your replies added more confidence

[studentofthegame]

ryuken i know what it feels like to think back at all the things you wish you'd done. i'm at that point now, the answer is to look forward and do all those things, and keep working on your own self development. do it!

[Chrysalis12]

Dear ryuken,

I can definitely relate to you. As a child, I was the eldest on my mother's side of the family. And they all expected me to be perfect, which gave me a lot of pressure. Instead of doing what I wanted, I thought about what they wanted. I studied and was isolated so that I would get good grades. But, as I grew older, I wondered what I was missing out on. I saw groups of girls sitting together and laughing while I was a fat little girl sitting far away because they thought I was awkward. At first, I just thought "I have my books as friends." This continued on throughout elementary and middle school. Once I entered high school, I wanted to become a different person because I felt so empty that I was overwhelmed.

And plus, I felt that my family was ashamed of my fatness, so I controlled myself to eat only fruit and exercise for two hours a day. When I got thinner, I still felt like I was crippled. Because, I lacked the experience to make friends. However, friends found me, so I was extremely blessed.

Even though I act with a lot more freedom now than I used to, my parents have accepted it to a certain extent. Sometimes, parents just need time. Some need more time than others. And every person believes they are right in their own mind, even if it's irrational. So, you need to let your parents know that you cannot be chained anymore, that you need to find your own path. Still, thank them for what they have given you and forgive them for what they did not give you. Because, every person needs forgiveness no matter how old they are. Every age is prone to its own mistakes.

And it's never too late for you to begin finding yourself. Take it one step at a time and reach out to someone like you. I was always happy when a person struggling with similar problems like mine took the time to talk with me. And, I am still afraid of the world around me and the future beyond high school. But, I have been blessed with people in my life who have listened to my complaining and helped me through it. I hope you find people like that in your life too.

The sun always rises for a new day and a new person. Become the best person that you can be and be proud of yourself.