Borrowed Time?

Well, I'd been saying I would move out to Colorado, and I finally did. I drove out here from New Jersey in mid-January. Since then, I've been staying with my uncle at his farm, getting a sense of the lay of the land out here, and figuring out what I plan to do with my life. I am happy to report that, after about a month of fruitless job searching, I was hired at a company in northern Colorado. Now, I'm looking into leasing an apartment. I've also started dating again - nothing serious yet, but a few casual-but-nice dates. I'm trying to take care of myself, although I haven't the money right now for a gym membership, and the trial Zumba class I took downtown was a complete disaster. Also, I'm investigating the possibility of returning to school in several months to work in the pharmaceutical industry.

So, in the midst of everything seeming to come into place here, I'm still scared. It could all go wrong so easily, what if it does? Because it has before, many times... I've been on top of the world, and then suddenly it all comes tumbling down. My past experiences have taught me that I can't have faith in myself, because the minute I start to feel proud of what I've accomplished, it all gets taken away. I like it out here - I like it A LOT, actually - and I have promised myself that I will never, ever move back East. It simply is a terrible fit for me back home. So, I want to stay here, but I'm so terrified that I'm going to mess it up. All I can say to myself is, "You're such a total loser, it's amazing you're actually progressing as well as you are. It must be via some miracle, obviously." It's a horrible feeling to have, but I can't take the risk of being happy. Otherwise I will lose it all...

I see your status line says "petting a kitty" and that's great--in the present." try not to project too far in the future, so you won't be seeing failure everywhere.
You made the move ... N. J. To Colorado! Hey, that's a biggie! Congratulations!! You got a job ... how many folks can't manage that these days?
Stay with how you're doing now. Your past is oven & done with & won't ever be again. Colorado, the West! The west has always been magic for me. New Mexico is where my soul lives--I can hardly wait to get back.
The whole world is changing. Keep putting one foot in front of another. You're a different person than you were in N.J. Your future isn't borrowed time, it's your time--no one else's.
Don't plan too far ahead. Watch for your opportunities and go with the best ones.
roadie

I think what you did took an AMAZING amount of courage, and you should be super proud of yourself! And what in the world makes you think that things are going to flop? What proof do you have? The past is the past. The present circumstances say that you're doing GREAT! That's the PROOF. Don't EVER project into the future because we aren't even promised that. All we have is today.

So today, you're doing fantastic! And I'd take a bet that tomorrow you will be too, but I'm not going to project. LOL

You sound SO much better -- you really do. You sound like you love it there, and want to stay there. I don't hear the depressed Indigo. I hear the hopeful, happy Indigo, and that's wonderful. Stay that way, and nothing bad will happen. I promise. And even if some "small" little thing happens, you'll be able to handle it cause you have a better ATTITUDE and that makes all the difference. Along with FAITH -- I think you have more faith in yourself right now -- so KEEP it, and let's go from there, huh? I'm with you 100%. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee