and the guilt returns..

so it was not their for a while... winter came, and i was like a lot calmer and stuff.

but now, it's almost summer of 2013- and the guilt of letting my life just pass me by is getting to me again

i actually can't explain it.. i know i'm ill, i know their's a lot of things i'll never be able to do- i accept that

but what i don't accept is that i'm now a year older, summer's coming back round, and all i've done is try to move forward with things.. but be pushed back by my mental and physical illness- why am i blaming myself?. and why always this time of year.

ugggg..

"move forward with things" is not exactly the most clear-cut of goals? Read an inspiring self-help book (I recommend Wishcraft, by Barbara Sher) and get started now and you can see progress before summer gets here?

i can't believe i just read that.

firstly, i don't have any goals or any idea of any kind of direction, and also.. i feel bad enough as it is- without someone beating something in to the ground... oh... read this and start today!

start what?

i've no idea what i want from life

Well, you know you want to change something, so that's a good start. Is there anything that interests you? Intrigues you? Makes you feel good doing?

Dear ShatteredS,

This is not only you, seasonal change effects me too!
And Sunday we change clocktime, spring forward means we will loose an hour but gain an hour of sunlight.
Sometimes if all you can say is that nothing bad happened, it was a good day.
Hugs,
H.

Self blame and feeling bad is a familiar place for you, and it is hard for you to give that process up. With time and dedication and strong determination you can move beyond that familiar place. The transformation may seem a bit to scary at 1st. but the joy and freedom you will experience with it, will make it well worth it.

Here is a preview of what I am talking about:

http://www.cavalia.net/en/odysseo/videos

Why this time of year? Perhaps you have S.A.D. -- Seasonal Affective Disorder, along with severe depression. You might want to look into it, and talk with your doctor.

S.A.D. is a real illness and when you combine it with depression you can really feel pretty awful. S.A.D. -- you probably know about it, but it's when you're severely effected by changes in the seasons; the darkness of winter throws you in to a depression. You don't begin to feel better until Spring. Summer is your best time and Fall begins the drop again into depression. Most people have a special lamp they use to sit under for a few minutes each day that helps.

And I assume you're still young - don't feel guilty for not having chose any special field or area to go into. Many people don't make that decision until they're in their mid 30's!!! Give yourself a break and don't obsess. In time, you'll find something.

God bless and please take care! Hugs, Lee